The Five Stages of Shopping

How do you know when you’re spending too much time in the grocery store? When you’re in there too much, you’re in danger of reaching the following stages:

• Stage I: When you know the cashiers by name
• Stage II: When you get the store card. For instance, as some of you might know, I’m a member of Costco.
• Stage III: When you know where everything is
• Stage IV: When shoppers ask you where to find stuff
• Stage V: When employees ask you where to find stuff

 I’m in Stage IV. But I’m close. Really close.

Nasal Passages

I’ve had a cold this week. Today I had to go out and buy some Afrin nose spray. Here are some select thoughts when it comes to nasal sprays:

•          Don’t lend yours out. True story: I had a guy at work ask to borrow mine once. Huh-uh. Don’t do this.

• Preserve the firewall between the nostrils.  Get a spray for each nostril. We don’t want to spread germs from one nostril to the other.

• We should all encourage Afrin to develop scents or flavors for their nasal sprays. Sales would skyrocket. Imagine scents like Sport, Fresh, Spearmint, Maple. Since Afrin restores our ability to smell, it only makes sense that Afrin would want us to smell something nice when we can smell again. I don't think that's asking too much...

Love Cruise I

I have not done a good job of keeping up with the Mission Impossible movies. I've only seen some of the previews over the years. They always show that Tom Cruise guy running. Running running running. Well, Mr. Cruise and Mission Impossible may have finally met their match: the filming of Mission Impossible VII has been shut down due to the coronavirus. Yeah. We’re gonna have to wait a while for the movie to come out. That gives me a great idea for Mission Impossible VIII though: they should have Tom Cruise take on the virus. People would dig that…

Maybe during his hiatus Cruise can make an appearance in the new Love Boat movie. I hear that’s still afloat...

Reading to Dogs

We’re going to stay on a library theme this week. I drove by the library today and they were having signups for Reading to Dogs. Have you heard of this? Maybe it’s not new. Here are some select thoughts on this subject:

•          Why are there dogs in the library?
•          Won’t these dogs see this as a social event for themselves and ignore my reading?
•          Are these really old dogs ‘cause I would think the dogs would want to run around regardless of the quality of the book?
•          Do you get to choose the book, or does it have to be Clifford the Big Red Dog or Sounder or something? Could it be Dog Day Afternoon?
•          Is it OK to read in my cute dog voice?
•      Should we read in foreign languages? German (Shepherd)? French (Poodle)? Siberian (Husky)? Norwegian (Lapdog)? 

·         If nobody shows up to read can they do books on tape for these dogs? The library has lots of books on tape…

160 Pams

I was on our library web site today and noticed some things. They mention that they have drive-up book drops and that they are available 24 hours a day. Well, I have good news and bad news for you. The bad news is that I’ve been unknowingly dumping trash in that box the past 35 years. The good news is that the inside of my car is pretty clean. But if your kid’s book smells like burger kings it’s my fault.

The library also has 160 – that’s right, 160 – cake pans to lend out. That just seems like a lot to me. I realize maybe you do two at a time if it’s a layer cake but that’s still a lot of pans. I looked on Amazon, and I can buy a cake pan new for as little as $4. So I don’t get that. Maybe it’s a typo and they’re lending Pam. Maybe it’s pans and Pam.  

I hope people bring the pans back clean and don’t just toss them in the book drop.

A Brush in the Hand...

Has anybody seen the new commercial for the toothpaste that removes 10 years of plaque? It’s been on a lot lately. It may be a great product. But I’m not sure I like the commercial. Couldn’t a 9 year old kid see that commercial and figure something like, “Hey. I really don’t have to brush my teeth tonight ‘cause I can get rid of all the plaque when I’m 19”. Parents have to hate that commercial…

And they don’t tell you how long it takes to get rid of the 10 years of plaque. Is it one brushing? Or does it take 10 years to get rid of the 10 years of plaque in which case you would keep the plaque you already have and just not add any new plaque. Meh...

I wonder if they gave a plaque to the guy who invented this product?