Forty Three Monkeys Jumpin' on the Bed

 

You’ve all heard by now about the 43 escaped monkeys from the lab in South Carolina, right? Apparently 35 of the chimps have been captured, some of whom were given peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Fruit Loops for dessert. That leaves 8 monkeys still on the lam. The authorities are tossing out warnings, telling people to lock their doors and avoid going into the forests, stuff like that. We here at Uncle Tommy would like to amend the warning list with the following:

•           Empty your house of Fruit Loops. They were probably getting Grape Nuts at the lab and those Loops no doubt taste pretty, pretty good. And no bananas. No plantains.
  
• Do not watch any Planet of the Apes movies – We’ve got enough problems without giving these chimps ideas about taking over the world
• Don’t pick up any hitchhikers – I don't care how cute they are. Even if they offer you gas money

Oh, and hide your tools – These monkeys can wreak havoc with their favorite wrench!

Cart for Cart's Sake

I was at a grocery store the other day where they have the regular carts and the little carts. I took a little cart ‘cause I only needed a few items. I question the need for these smaller carts – it’s not like we’re saving fuel (and saving the planet) by using them. I mean, what are we accomplishing with these smaller carts? Eliminating a traffic jam in aisle 3 maybe?

The real problem with the smaller carts is, if you’re unfamiliar with the store, you don’t know if it's for adults or if it’s a child’s cart. There’s nothing worse than going all the way through the store with the little cart and then finding a child pushing one in the dairy aisle next to his or her mother and her cart. At that point I suppose you can abandon the cart and maybe the employees will think a kid left it there.

For this reason it’s best not to use these small carts if you're buying liquor and cigarettes.  

Tired Blood

 

I saw a sign for a blood drive recently. Same old, same old. They haven’t changed much over the years. They still give you orange drink after you give. That’s fun. But folks, we need to have even more fun with the blood drives. If you make them more fun, and/or more convenient, more people will give blood. Some ideas:

•                     Halloween themed blood drive – “Ve vant your blood!”
•          Church blood drive – “Nothing but the Blood Drive”
•          Half Pint blood drive – “Don’t have time to give a full pint? We’ll take your half pint”
•          Drive through blood “drive” – “No shirt? No shoes? No problem!”

I sent these ideas to The Red Cross but haven’t heard back yet. I guess they’re not a first responder…

Fish Tail

Did you hear about the fishing contest a while back where the winners got caught putting lead in the fish to make them weigh more so they would win the contest? Yeah, these guys are looking at jail time – and they have to give back their trophies. (Not sure if they got to keep the fish.)

I know they won some money, and they were sneaky dishonest and all, but jail time for a fishing contest?  That seems a bit extreme. No Houston Astros went to prison for the garbage can lid cheating scandal back in ‘17...

Maybe they can set up a less strict prison for these fish crime guys. Make ‘em eat fish that’s supposed to be de-boned but it still has bones in it. Make them eat mackerel for 3 months.

Reduce their sentence but put ‘em in small cells and pack ‘em in like sardines.  

Big Boned

 

Have you seen these giant skeletons people are putting in front of their houses? This is a relatively new phenomenon, at least around here.  These things are like 20 feet high. It’s like having the skeleton of the Jolly Green Giant in your front yard. Where do people store these skeletons in the off season? Granted, I’m sure they come apart, but one of these dudes could easily fill a good portion of your attic. It would be great if you could transform the parts into a slide for your kids or something. That would solve the storage issue. Somebody should invent that.

Speaking of the Jolly Green Giant, what's with him always saying “Ho, Ho, Ho” in that really low James Earl Jones-like voice? “Ho, Ho, Ho” is a Christmas saying, but the giant was always out in a sunny July-like garden. Granted, Green Giant made frozen vegetables, but that “Ho” connection was never made clear.

Or was it “Hoe, Hoe, Hoe” and he was barking out instructions to the laborers in the field?  

Sweet Talk

 

The World Series is happening. The Dodgers won the first two games. And since Halloween is this week, I thought we’d take a look at baseball themed candy.

•           The Baby Ruth Bar – To avoid paying Babe Ruth any royalties, the candy company said this candy bar was named after President Grover Cleveland’s daughter, who had died 15 years prior to the introduction of candy bar. Yeah, sure. They named it after her!  
• Oh Henry – I always thought this one was named after Henry Aaron, who beat the Babe’s home run record. Wrong again. It was not named after him. The origin of the name is unknown.
• The Reggie Bar – Reggie Jackson thought the two above were named after Ruth and Aaron so he demanded a candy bar in his name. And he got it. But it had short life.  
• Junior Mints – These delicious treats were not named after any player, not Ken Griffey Jr or Cal Ripkin Jr. It would have been cool for one of them to claim that the candy was named after them. That would have been some fun controversy.

And with the Dodgers back in the World Series, I think it’s time for the Reese people to honor long time shortstop Pee Wee Reese with some type of candy. Maybe that's just me...

As an aside, always check the expiration dates on your candy, kids. At some point those Junior Mints become Senior Mints.