Ballad of the Thin Skeleton

My granddaughter and I were out for a walk in the neighborhood today when we stumbled across one of those large yard skeletons. It was large, perhaps the size of the Jolly Green Giant. Maybe it was the size of Gentle Giant, the progressive rock group from the ‘70’s. I never listened to their stuff and I don’t know why they had that name. But maybe they had a giant on their stage during their concerts.

Maybe it was the size of Goliath, the legendary Philistine warrior who was defeated by David. David and Goliath is a great story. What most people don’t realize is that not only did David defeat Goliath, he did it with a broken arm. Yeah.

Where do you think he got the sling?

Blood Simple

Forty years ago we had businesses where you could give blood and get paid for it. These places became hangouts for down and out people who desperately needed cash. Needy folks would sell their blood as often as they could to generate spending money. These businesses no longer exist; in place, we have the Red Cross who miraculously manages to convince Americans to give their blood for free.

Or do they? In order to incentivize us to “give” blood, the Red Cross over the years has instituted the practice of giving “donors” gifts and often adding a gift card of some sort. Last time I “donated” they gave me a tee shirt and a gift card. The tee shirt says I “gave” blood. I can’t get myself to wear the tee shirt ‘cause I didn’t give blood. No. I sold it.

The solution here is this: the Red Cross needs to design tee shirts that say “I sold blood”. This addresses the truthfulness issue of “selling” versus “giving” blood, while also advertising that they do indeed pay for blood. Spreading the word that the Red Cross pays for blood will lead to increased donations. Bingo!

Did I mention that I took a marketing class in college?

Greetings!

I saw 3 people over the weekend who I thought I knew. In each case, when I greeted them, they did not know who I was. Now these types of things happen, but three times in two days? You really start to question yourself. Questions like:

1. Am I not making any impression on people?
2. Is my appearance rapidly changing?
3. Is my appearance rapidly changing for the worse?
4. What kind of people am I hanging around with?

If this ever happens to you, here are a couple of tips:

1. Don’t give up on these people. Greet them again next time you run across them. Give them another chance.
2. Realize that people can and do have identical twins

If they don’t remember you on the next greeting, it would then be appropriate to ask them if they have an identical twin.

My wife tells me to quit saying I know people when they don’t know me. Good point. Know means know!

Gimme Animal Shelter

We bought a puppy from a shelter in ’02 when our kids were little. She was a great dog. She was labeled a “mixed” breed but she was part Petite Bassett Griffin Vendeen and part something else. Seeing as how Petite Bassett Griffin Vendeen was apparently already a combination of four breeds, I guess the shelter didn’t want to add a fifth word to her breed and simply labeled her “mixed”.   

I think that’s pretty inconsiderate.  If a breed can be four words, I don’t think a five word breed is out of the question. Then the dog can have the dignity of knowing that she is a member of a breed.

When we moved to a better neighborhood in ’08 the dog was uneasy to go because she thought the dogs in the new neighborhood were all pure breeds. She eventually adjusted but if the shelter had had the decency to call her mix a breed this stress could have been eliminated.  

When you get a dog license, can you invent the breed? Maybe that’s the answer. Has anyone tried that?

Fast Food for Thought

I had some lab work done recently and I had to fast for 12 hours prior to the appointment. For those appointments you walk into the waiting room and see all these sad, fasting/starving faces staring at you. There aren’t many smiles in that waiting room. After the appointment you can go next door to Bob Evans or Cracker Barrel and see a lot of the same people, only now they’re smiling. So yeah, ideally you want to do the Bob Evans piece of the process to enjoy the full experience...

When you go to Bob Evans you break the fast. That, of course, is where the term “breakfast” comes from. A lot of you knew that. What you (and I) don’t know is how the term “Fast food” fits in here. Is this food that you eat during the fast? If so, is it still a fast? Or is this food that you are tempted to eat during a fast? Like, maybe other people eat it and tempt you while you’re fasting? Or is it a minute portion of food that you’re allowed to eat during a fast? “Here’s some fast food to carry you over ‘til we get to Bob Evans.”

When the lab tech asks you if you’re fasting and you reply “Yes, except for some fast food” they’re probably going to give you what’s known as the “fast exit”.

 

A Fine Print Mess

 

We walked by a shop a while back that was conducting a retirement sale. Having recently retired (from my day job – not from UTST’s!), I strolled in. To my surprise there were young people and middle aged people in there. Wait. What? I thought this was a sale for retired people. There must have been fine print in the sign out front. Always read the fine print, I told myself. The problem is retired people can’t read the fine print.

My doctor used to have copies of large print Guideposts in the lobby. If large print Guideposts had fine print (which I don’t know why they would), would the fine print be the size of their regular print?

And hey! Why doesn’t my eye doctor have large print periodicals in his waiting room? That would make too much sense. You know that eye doctors monitor how you read when you’re in their waiting room, right? Like, how far you hold the magazine from your eyes, whether you read the magazine right-side up, that type of thing. It’s part of your exam and it’s all in your file. It’s in there. But it’s in fine print.

Senior Discount

 I bought some good barbecue takeout a while back. I was behind a local former news anchor. She had retired a couple of years ago.  She is pretty famous.

When it was time for me to pay they gave me a senior discount. This was a nice surprise and it saved me some money. For me, the pleasure derived from the money saved outweighed the disappointment of being labeled a senior. I mean, yeah, I am a senior, but I’ve kinda been hoping that it wasn’t that obvious….

After getting the discount, I kinda wanted to know if the famous anchor woman got the discount. I wanted to know if they made the same age assumption with her that they made with me. It’s only natural to be curious about that kind of stuff. So, like, is it proper for me to ask the cashier if she got the discount? If yes, is it proper for the cashier to give out that information?

Now I kinda want to go work there and see if this issue is addressed in the employee handbook.