You Say You Want a Resolution

I like the idea of New Years resolutions but people generally are unsuccessful in reaching these goals.  I’m not sure how healthy that is. We too often set reasonable goals that we still just don’t achieve. Things like:

• I’m gonna lose 20 lbs
• I’m gonna finish that novel (or in some cases finish a sequel)
• I’m gonna learn to play the accordion

It’s frustrating when we don’t achieve our goals, isn’t it? It’s not particularly good for our self esteem. So why not give yourself a year with easier goals – stuff you already do perhaps – and see how you feel at the end of the year. Things like:

• I’m gonna keep going to the dentist twice a year
• I’m gonna keep getting my hair cut regularly 
• I’m gonna renew my Costco membership when it’s due

Wouldn’t we feel better at the end of the year if we aimed a bit lower and actually achieved our goals? Perhaps that could then lead to higher goals for 2017 based on our confidence from 2016.

Don’t thank me now. Thank me in 12 months.

Christmas Cardigan

I’ve not participated in an Ugly Sweater Party. I don’t think I want to. It seems to me like a cruel endeavor.  I would not purposefully ever buy ugly clothing for myself, so the alternative would be to wear something that was given to me by a loved one.  But those pictures get on Facebook, and even Grandma’s on Facebook now.  So no, I’m not going to wear a gift to the Ugly Sweater Party. And I’m sure not going to go out and buy one just for the party. So then I’d consider wearing another sweater that I kinda liked, but people would see me later at other events in that sweater and say “Hey! You’re wearing your ugly sweater!” So then you can’t wear that sweater again so that option is out. (At least these parties aren't like Tupperware Parties, where you go to the party to buy the ugly sweater.)

Well, I think I’ve found the solution. Have you ever had clothes that were so dated that you’re embarrassed to pick them up from the cleaners? (“What if Patrice sees me picking this up?”) I’ve talked to my Dry Cleaner about this. He’s got these sweaters in the back that nobody ever picks up. So yes, I see a market for ugly sweater rental.  For $10, you get a clean sweater and the dry cleaner lets you pick it up at the back door so nobody sees you with it. Another win-win?

Today’s Tommy Tip: If you go to an Ugly Sweater Party, after you get there make sure it is an Ugly Sweater Party before you start laughing at people’s clothing. Uncle Tommy got in a little trouble with that at a costume party once that turned out not to be a costume party.

The Clapper

One Christmas I gave my Mother and Father that thing where you clapped your hands and the lights or the radio or whatever turned off. It was called The Clapper. They had been falling asleep with the television on. (This was before the age of cable or remotes.) So, rather than having to get up during the night and turn off Johnny Carson, they could stay in bed, clap their hands twice and the television would turn off. It seemed like the perfect product to suit their needs. Everything worked great for about two months until my Dad caught a cold. Well, it turns out that my Dad had a loud, abrupt, perfect two syllable sneeze that The Clapper thought was two hand claps. So yes, the TV turned on or off every time Dad sneezed.  The clapper wore out before Dad got through his first box of Kleenex. 

When I tried to return it for a refund, the Grants Store wanted proof that The Clapper was activated by a man’s sneeze. Well, I wasn’t gonna make my Dad go in there (he was sick), so I wisely got some pepper from their lunch counter and tried to make myself sneeze. I of course did not have a cold and could not sneeze, but we found a stock boy in the back room who was pretty sick. But his sneeze did not activate the unit. So I did not get my money back.

Big Gym

While out Christmas shopping, I was thinking about some of the stores that aren’t around anymore. Remember back in the 70’s when all the Grants stores were turned into discos? Boy, those were crazy times, weren’t they? Now, a similar pattern is happening.  We’re seeing more and more Odd Lots/Big Lots Stores turning into gyms. One near us just converted. Typically, this process starts with the store buying up too much gym and workout equipment.  But shoppers don’t buy that stuff ‘cause you can get it cheap at garage sales, or people just join a gym. So the store eventually goes out of business and it becomes a gym.  The gym inherits the same gym equipment Big Lots had – people just use it now.  What people don’t realize is that you don’t have to wait ‘til the store converts. You can go there and work out on the equipment when it’s still a Big Lots. Nobody’s ever said anything to me when I was there.  And I get to watch one of the dented TV’s while I work out. Just be polite and buy some of that leftover Halloween candy on your way out.

The JC Dollar Store

(Uncle Tommy has been overwhelmed with his phone call from Santa program, so our Uncle Tommy Archivist dug into the Uncle Tommy archives and found a favorite Christmas Story.) 

One Christmas Eve my wife called me at work and said we needed more wrapping paper and could I stop on the way home and get some.  “Sure,” I said, and I stopped at the local Dollar Store that afternoon on the way home.  (We were apparently OK with our supply of tape, bows and little name tags, so I didn’t need to get any of those.) This was a last minute purchase on Christmas Eve but it was really a no pressure purchase since it was just wrapping paper. So I was not upset when I realized the check-out line was moving extremely slowly.  When I finally reached the checkout, the clerk told me the reason for the delay. “We ran out of pennies,” she explained.  I, still being in good spirits and wanting to give her something clever to share with and perhaps amuse her family at their Christmas dinner table the next day and perhaps future Christmases, said with a smile, “That would be like the JC Penney Store running out of dollars.” Well, she didn’t get it. No laugh, no smile, no nothing.  So, I’m guessing that she did not share that story with her family.

I, of course, have shared the story with my family every Christmas.  And now, you can share it with yours.

A Lexus for the Rest of Us

When I hear or see that someone drives a Lexus, I always ask them if their spouse gave it to them for Christmas. ‘Cause year after year we see those Christmas Lexus commercials where the guy gets the woman to come outside on the beautiful snowy morning and she sees the Lexus with the big red bow parked outside. And boy is she happy! These commercials always make me a little sad because I’ve not given my wife a Lexus for Christmas and, based on the number of years (decades?) this commercial has been on TV, I’m guessing thousands have done this and I may be in the minority. But let’s dissect what this guy’s done. He’s either:

1. Leased the car. Ok. Cheaper payments but severe mileage restrictions. Their prior vehicle may have had no mileage restrictions. Tough adjustment. Meh.
2. Financed it. Let’s say he has 72 payments at $450 per month. Do I really want a gift that I’ll be paying for ‘til 2021? Meh.
3. Paid cash for it. OK. This means they’re really rich. So the new car is not a big deal for them. Meh.

There may be a fourth option that may make sense of this situation.

1. Rent a Lexus from Enterprise for the day and put a bow on it.  She’ll be relieved she doesn’t have mileage restrictions or 72 monthly payments and you’ll confuse the heck out of your relatives at the Christmas gathering after arriving in style.

Sounds like a win-win.

(From Uncle Tommy's new book, “Living Low on the Hog”)