Slowgans

What is with the reply “Not if I see you first!” when someone says “See you later”? I have never understood that phrase. I mean, you’re still going to see them later even if they do see you first.  What exactly am I missing here? Let’s get rid of “Not if I see you first” in 2023.

Here are a couple of other common expressions we need to drop in ’23:

•          “All day”.  This is a tag line people use when someone asks, “Is today the 20th?” Someone responds, “All day.” C’mon. That’s not necessary. The person asking knows they should know the date. They already feel bad about not knowing. Let’s not punish them for asking. 
•         “Thanks for the warning”. This of course is another reply to “See you later”. This line is older than me, and, yes, it may have been amusing when Groucho Marx or Mark Twain or somebody originally said it, but it hasn’t been funny for like 100 years. It’s okay if your grandfather says it but not if it’s said by somebody under 90.

So, am I leaving you with a void, a cavity of sorts, taking away phrases without adding anything new to replace these worn out expressions? If so, and even if not so, be on the lookout for our New Words and Phrases for 2023 coming your way in a future post. See you later!

 

When in Romaine...

Ever struggle at the grocery getting those bags in the produce section to open? It’s not healthy. Why is it not healthy, you ask? Because, too often we give up trying to open the bag and we leave the store without buying any produce. That is not healthy. You need those rutabagas (rutabagai) and kumquats.

The secret to opening these bags is to get your fingers wet. You can dampen your fingers in the sprinkler over by the romaine. Dampening your fingers will allow you to open the bags.

Do not lick your fingers! Your fingers have been on the cart. That would be the same as licking the cart. And if the cart’s been out in the cold your tongue would stick to the cart anyway. Nobody wants that embarrassment!

See you at the romaine.

 

Squirrel Tale

I’m still dealing with squirrels trying to eat my house. They eat at the wood trim for some reason. But I think I found an answer. We had some rabbit repellent on hand and I’ve been spraying that on the roof of our house and that seems to keep the squirrels away.

I thought this might be a good time to offer a couple of tips to people who are perhaps new home owners and haven’t dealt with this type of problem:

1.       You don’t need to spray the actual squirrel. There’s no need to hide in the tree and wait for the squirrel or chase them around with the spray bottle.

2.       You don’t need to spray yourself.

3.       There’s no need to wear camouflage clothing when you’re spraying this around. But if you already have it on I suppose it can’t hurt.

 

 

Home Plate

We don’t use the term “doggie bag” at restaurants anymore do we? Is this because our dogs are all on special diets? Or is it an insult to our dogs that they would eat our leftovers? Or is it because we all carry “doggie bags” around with us now when we walk our dogs? Yeah, I think that’s it. Funny how these terms evolve over time, isn’t it?   

I knew a guy who said he was grossed out ‘cause his elderly mother let her dog lick off her plate. I told him that’s common and it shouldn’t bother him. He argued that the problem he had with it was when she put the plate back in her mouth.

 

Spew Review

I read a restaurant review recently where the reviewer stated that she vomited after eating at the restaurant. That’s right. She put it right there in the review for the world to see. But there’s good news here for the restaurant: The reviewer still rated the restaurant 3 stars out of 5. That’s right. Three stars. She said she liked the service. Wow, I thought to myself. I’m not sure but maybe this means they did a nice job of cleaning up the vomit. Or maybe they were attentive and gave her a doggie bag promptly so she could take the rest of her food home. The review didn’t say…

Regardless, how can this restaurant survive a vomit review? Easy. Put it out there front and center. Set barf bags at every place setting and attack this thing head on. Put the following on the bag: "Yeah, we're the restaurant that had the barf review. Use this if you need it. But seriously, you're gonna need it to take home your leftovers 'cause we have really large portions." Something like that. Yeah.

I took a Marketing class in college.