Products with Women's Names

Today I met a guy who was looking for “Dawn”. I could not tell if he was looking for dish soap or a person. So I think it’s time we take a look at those products that have women’s names:

• Dawn – Was it named after someone? Do you just use it at daybreak? Who was this Dawn and did she get along with…
•  Joy – Who was this Joy? This conversation must take place somewhere: “Have you seen Joy?” “Yeah, she’s out by the sink.” I wonder if there have ever been sisters named Dawn and Joy? If she worked at a Nut Boutique would she be “Almond Joy”?
• Betty Salad – “I’m taking Betty Salad to the potluck.” “Who?”
• Pam – “the non-stick cooking spray”. Not to be confused with “the sticky cooking spray”. “Hey Dawn, please use some Joy to get that Pam off the pan.”
• Mary Jane – Slang or code word for marijuana at one time. I bet there were mix-ups back in the day: “We thought you were bringing some Mary Jane, man. Who’s this chick?” 

Gets confusing doesn’t it?

Costco Diet

We’re halfway through the year now. How’s your diet coming? Have you achieved your weight goal?  Most importantly (and I’m going to continue to come back to this issue) is your real weight lower than the weight on your driver’s license? I think that’s a healthy goal for all of us.

I’ve pretty much kept my weight down. And I know who to thank. Costco! You read that right! I’ve found some success of late being on a new diet that I’ve come to call the “Costco Diet”. This consists of skipping a meal or two daily and replacing it with a stroll through Costco. (I’m a member.) While strolling, I help myself to some of the fine samples there at Costco.Typically you can get all of your dietary needs met: your meat, your vegetable, your salad, a starch, fruit, maybe some fish, along with cheesecake or pie sample to top it off. And some cookie. 

So yeah. In this diet you’re getting exercise while you eat. It’s healthy for you AND for your pocketbook as well. And there’s no clean up afterwards. No fuss. No mess. Just don't try to drive through their gas pumps backwards. They hate that. 

Boat Names

It’s July, so let’s talk about boats! Everybody loves boats, right? Well, when I go to marinas, I see pleasure craft with some pretty tired names.  At one time these names were likely cute, but most of the names were old before the paint dried on the back of the boats. Names like Miss Behavin’, Sea Mist, Nauti Buoy, Money Pit and Aquaholic are popular. Aquaholic is by far the most popular name per internet statistics. None of these strikes us here at Uncle Tommy as being something we really want to commit to as a permanent name painted on the back of a $45,000 yacht. Our boats deserve something better, don’t they?

We here at Uncle Tommy have developed a solution. For a fee of $100, we will name or rename your boat for you. Just send us some information: what you and your spouse do for a living, how many kids you have, your hobbies, religion, nationality and any bad habits you might possess.  We will digest all this information and spit out a name that will set you and your boat apart. 

This will also make it easier for us to find you in the marina when we need an entertaining weekend.

Tears for Sears

So yeah, our local Sears store is closing. It’s the end of an era. No more caramel corn. So at our soon to be former Sears store, there’s still this little hut out in the middle of their parking lot. It’s their former key shop. Yeah, they had this (little?) guy who sat out there and made keys. Twelve hours a day he made keys. No air conditioning, no caramel corn, no bathroom. Just keys. Not sure what he did out there when he wasn’t making those keys. But, if you needed a key made darn it, you knew where to go. If they brought back the key hut, maybe Sears would have a chance of survival. And maybe they could have him sell some caramel corn out there…

Good or bad, the retail world is changing. For instance, you can order groceries from Kroger over the internet now and you can go pick them up or they’ll bring them to your house. But how would you stop them from bringing you bad produce – like those really really green bananas that nobody ever buys? And won’t they screw up certain products? Like, maybe you order some chocolate mousse and instead they give you hair gel? This concept sounds problematic to me…

Two Choices? Or Three?

Many years ago I ran a 5K race with my then 11 year old son. At least I thought I was running it with my son. It was a large, local event. We knew lots of people there, including, I'm sure, many of you, my readers. We had thought it was a parent/child type event, but it turned out that there were only like 3 adults in the race. I ran anyway, wanting the shirt. Once the gun went off, my son took off like a sprinter, leaving me behind amongst a mass of children. Languishing behind, and seeing my son disappear farther and farther into the horizon, I knew I had two choices: One, I could try to catch my son, and possibly vomit. (I saw one of my friends' dad vomit when I was in college and that still has an effect on me.) I really didn't want to be known as "the dad who vomited in front of us trying to beat the 10 year olds". Secondly, I could drop out of the race. Well, as you, my readers, know, I'm no quitter. So I continued to run, falling further and further back of my son. The sun began to set. It was then that I thought of the third option. Why not pretend one of these slower kids was mine? So I proudly ran the last two miles amongst a pack of children that I've not seen since.

I haven't run any more races with my son, but I still have that shirt. 

Peanut Butter Exchange at Menard’s

I, like many of you, like to “save big money” at Menard’s. That’s one heck of a catchy jingle, isn’t it? I sing that sometimes while tinkering around the yard. Well, my son and I had to make an exchange at Menard’s last week. While we were in line he noticed someone next to us exchanging two large jars of Skippy Peanut Butter. Hmm, we thought to ourselves, who returns peanut butter? And who even buys peanut butter at Menards? I’m thinking that maybe the guy couldn’t read, or at least couldn’t read English, and, being at Menard’s, maybe thought the Skippy was some kind of spackling compound or something. Wow. The last thing we want is kids being tempted to eat anything off the wall, what with the lead paint issue and all…

Would it be out of line to require illustrated warning labels on peanut butter for this type of thing?

Who's Mom and Dad?

Have you ever heard that hearing aid commercial on the radio where the woman says something about “Mom and Dad”, and then the old angry guy yells out in this gruff voice rather meanly, “Who’s Mom and Dan? Who’s Mom and Dan?” Now, I’m as sensitive to the elderly as the next guy. But for this guy to say in that tone that he thinks “Mom and Dad” is “Mom and Dan” might indicate that he has more issues going than just hearing loss. First of all, “Mom and Dad” is pretty hard to screw up, isn’t it? I mean, those words go together like apple and pie, or mental and health. Secondly, if you associate Mom with Dan, instead of Dad, maybe you have some family issues. Lastly, based on the guy’s tone, if this guy is my patient, anger management would likely take priority over the hearing aid.  

Happy Father’s Day!