Finger Hut

While on the coast last week, I had a chance to talk with one of the lifeguards. There were people at the beach from all over the world. I didn’t ask him, but I’m guessing the lifeguards have to understand phrases like “Help”, or “I can’t swim”, or “Do I really need to wait 20 minutes after I eat before I can swim?” in multiple languages. I made it a point going forward, that as we travel to different beaches, to determine upon arrival if the lifeguard speaks English. If he or she does not speak English, I won’t go out as far.

The beach we were at had a cool hamburger stand where they also sold chicken fingers. I didn’t have any but they sure smelled good.  There were sea gulls circling above waiting to swoop down and steal unattended chicken fingers. They were aggressive. I kinda felt like Tippi Hedren.

It might be just me, but isn’t it disgusting that sea gulls eat chicken? I mean, like, what’s up with that? That’s a little too close in the food chain for my comfort. And we wonder why cannibalism is on the rise…

 

Soap Opera

While on vacation last week on the Atlantic I thought about those folks (some of you!) on the other shore. And yeah, I thought of that country whose name contains two soap names. You know who I’m talking about. Yeah, I’m talking about Ivory Coast. We’ve always had Ivory soap here in the US. But was it fair to Ivory Coast (or to Ivory Soap) to allow another company to name their product “Coast” when there was already an "Ivory"? A little insensitive maybe?

This did not end well for the country formerly known as Burma. They are now Myanmar. They no doubt got tired of hearing about the Burma Shave commercials in this country.

Don’t be surprised when Ivory Coast changes their name. Caress that for a while…

 

The Darndest Things

Remember that old TV show “Kids Say the Darndest Things”? There were multiple versions of it; the one I remember was hosted by Art Linkletter.  Looking back, they would video kids for hours on end waiting for them to say something cute. Then they would edit it and show a short clip on TV and make you laugh. Hopefully.

I would like to see a TV show called “Seniors Say the Darndest Things”. They could show it on The Hallmark Channel. (OK. Yeah, I could like be on it. OK.) Just yesterday I was listening to a baseball game on the radio when one of the guys calling the game (he’s 82) just blurted out, “Dan, what’s that smell?” Can you even say that on the air?  

There’s a whole camp out there who uses the word “darnedest” instead of “darndest”. Spellcheck likes “darnedest” but I’m sticking with Linkletter’s version. I’m not gonna argue spelling with a guy named Linkletter.

 

The Tommy Two Forks Test

Men, next time you’re out to a nice (anniversary?) dinner and your wife or significant other orders pie for dessert and you don’t, see if the waiter or waitress brings one fork or two with the pie.  If he or she brings two forks, congratulations, you’ve exhibited what we at Uncle Tommy refer to as the “love vibe”. You’ve passed the Tommy Two Forks Test (TTFT). If he or she only brings one fork, you’ve failed to demonstrate the aforementioned “love vibe” and probably need to up your game a bit. Failing the test can lead to awkward silences and can make for a long ride home. Of course, if your wife or significant other is not aware of the TTFT, you don’t have to worry about the awkward silence. But my guess is she reads this blog.   

Do not take the TTFT on the following days: Valentine’s Day, Sweetest Day or March 14^th. These are automatic 2 fork days at most restaurants. Also, do not expect a second fork with Spinach Pie or Chicken Pot Pie. Please note in the opening sentence that we referenced a nice dinner.

 

Joey Chestnut II

As I mentioned last week, hot dog eating champ Joey Chestnut was in town recently to attend a baseball game. He tours the country making celebrity appearances. If I had been able to attend the game I would have liked to have:

•          Bought him a hot dog.
•          Videoed him eating the hot dog. Interview him while he’s eating it. Probably a short interview.
  
•          Eaten a hot dog with him watching. I’d like his feedback on my technique.
•          Watched the hot dog vendors fight for his aisle.
•          Get him to participate in that race they do with ketchup and mustard.
•          Get his autograph in mustard

Mostly, I’d like to see if he can open one of those mustard packets without using his teeth.

 

90 Minute Evolution

My wife and I had an early dinner recently. I joked that we’ll be eating dinner earlier when we’re both retired. But that’s true, isn’t it? Retired people eat dinner earlier. So, do they eat lunch earlier too? I don’t think so. Why not? What about breakfast? Do they eat breakfast earlier? I’ve never heard that, have you? If they eat dinner at, say, 4:30, aren’t they hungry again at like 8:30? How’s that work? And aren’t these early retiree diners showing up at restaurants during happy hour? How’s that work? So many questions and so few answers…

I read somewhere that retirees eat dinner, on average, about 90 minutes before the rest of us. But there’s one bit of information I can’t find anywhere and it’s this: Does the 90 minute evolution happen all at once when you retire? Or do people in their 70’s eat at, say, 5PM but gradually move up dinner time to 4PM in their 90’s?

To get that answer, I’ve been asking senior types how old they are when I see them coming out of restaurants. My wife hates it when I do that…