What Exactly Are We Celebrating?

 

Well yeah, there it was. I hope you enjoyed celebrating America’s 250^th birthday, ‘cause the 300^th won’t be celebrated nearly as much. Why, you ask? Because that date will be overshadowed by the celebration of Taylor Swift and Kelcey Grammer’s 50^th anniversary. People will say, “Oh yeah. I guess it is the 300^th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence”.  Yeah. You watch…

Yeah. Do these celebrities think about these types of things? Like, the effect that’ll have on fireworks sales? And yeah, forget about their 50^th anniversary, what about even next year? Will the fourth of July ever be the same?

What’s my wife gonna do with these leftover red white and blue paper plates?

TNT

More American history: We saw some great fireworks over the weekend. But no fireworks can compare to what took place in New York City over the weekend: Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift tied the knot. What a way to begin the next 50 years of American history. The couple will get to celebrate their 50th anniversary at America’s 300^th anniversary. I look forward to that. Apparently all kinds of celebrities attended the wedding. Adam Sandler officiated at the ceremony. (Adam Sandler?) Was the pope not available? C’mon, we’re talking Taylor Swift here…

My only regret was that her mother Loretta Swift (from M*A*S*H) passed away last year and was unable to attend.  

Axe to Grind

More US history: Some guy in the 1800’s wrote that our founding father George Washington chopped down a cherry tree when he was young. The legend has grown to the point that a good percentage of Americans believe it.  We don’t know how old George was (10?, 17?) and we don’t know the size of the tree. We don’t know if it was their only tree or if they had an orchard? We only know that George owned up to chopping down the tree. He could not tell a lie. OK, but apparently he couldn’t be trusted around cherry trees. When asked about the new stump in his yard, George’s father probably said, “Oh George did that. But he told us about it. We’re proud of him.”

Chopping down a cherry tree is kinda wimpy. This writer needed to enhance his story and make the tree a council oak or a redwood. C'mon, this is George Washington we're talking about here...

Lastly, isn't it crazy that America's best apples come from the state of, you guessed it, Washington? Oops, looks like I'm mixing apples and cherries. 

Happy 250th, America! 

 

Fun Time

More US History: We used to have a roller skating rink in town called Fun Spot. And guess what? I always had fun there. Always. Fun is a word that shows up a lot in advertising. I had a Fun Size package of M&M’s last week. It had 11 M&M’s in it. I thought that was an unusual number, so I opened another package. That package had 10 M’s (Do I really need to add the “&M”’s in this context?) in it. Regardless, I don’t consider 10 or 11 M’s “fun”, do you? You may not even get all the colors. And some say all the colors taste the same, but I’m not so sure. Shouldn’t “fun size” be the larger size?

Should we describe clothes sizes the same way? Petite = fun size. Should Big and Tall be “More Fun”?

The Dawn of American History

I know I promised to write about aspects of US history leading up to the 250^th anniversary of the United States next month. I'm trying. (See below.) I was in a record store over the weekend and the owner was playing a Tony Orlando and Dawn LP on a shabby little record player. I asked him pleasantly, “Hey, what’s up with the Tony Orlando record?” He said that his good stuff sells OK so he tries to promote his stuff that doesn’t sell. (Dude probably took a marketing course in college, I bet.) I did not question his strategy – hey, it’s a free country (for 250 years!). But I didn’t buy any Tony. Or Dawn.

Interestingly enough, (and here’s some interesting US history), Dawn was not a person. No. Dawn was a group, a pair of women, neither of whom was named Dawn. I couldn’t find any info on the choice of the name, like if they often woke up before sunrise, or whatever…

It dawned on me as I was writing this that there must be hundreds of guys in Orlando named Tony who go by Tony Orlando. I bet at least one of them is married to a woman named Dawn. I’m pretty busy running this blog but if somebody could look into that, that’d be great.

Getting Past the Gatekeeper

I called a business yesterday. When I asked to be connected to a certain individual, the receptionist responded with the line, “Will she know why you’re calling?” Yeah. When a receptionist asks this, it’s your job to take control of the conversation. You at this point need to flip the conversation to make it appear she is questioning her boss. I responded, “I don’t know if she’ll know why I’m calling. I don’t know her capacity for remembering stuff. I really don’t know her that well. Do you think she remembers things particularly well? You know her better than I do.”

This seemed to work. There were no more questions. She put me through to the person’s office. Bingo. This typically works. Try it!

1000th Post

We’d like to take the occasion of the 1000^th post here at UT to take a look back at the 250 year history of our country. We will continue looking at aspects of US history leading up the July 4^th celebration. Today we’re taking a look at the “George Washington slept here” signs you see in the northeast US. Some of these signs need some clarification:

• Was it just him? Didn’t Martha travel with him sometimes?
• How many nights did he stay there? Put that on the sign.
• Did he leave a review?
• Did he get the AAA discount?
• Do they sneak the name “Carver” in small letters after “Washington” on the sign?
• How do you define the word “slept”. Can they put the sign up if it was just a nap?

You’ll be walking on peanut shells awaiting these and other answers.

Overjoyed

Have you ever thought about the word “overjoyed”? Typically, that prefix “over” indicates too much of something. “He overate.” “She overcooked the pot roast.” “He overate the overcooked pot roast.” This word overjoyed reminds me of my friend in sixth grade who spent too much time in the sun at the beach and got sick. He overdid it. He enjoyed himself too much and thus overjoyed. (Yeah, this was the same guy whose mom gave him the Conway Twitty 8-Track tape. We may have over-listened to some of those songs. We overplayed that tape.)

So yeah, be careful with the word “overjoyed”. If someone tells you they’re overjoyed to see you, you’d be best to tilt your head slightly and ask them, “Have you ever taken a hard look at that word?”

A second, less used meaning for overjoyed, is when you're doing dishes and you use too much dish soap  and the bubbles are more than 12 inches above the water. If you're more than like 11 and you find yourself doing this it may be time to take a turn drying.  

300 Feet

Have you seen the 300 feet “no fireworks” signs? They’re in front of all major retailers around here lately. I saw the signs today at Kroger and Lowe’s. They state that you cannot set off fireworks within 300 feet of the door of the store. I’m not sure I understand the concept ‘cause most of these stores don’t even sell fireworks. Have parking lots become a popular spot to shoot off fireworks? What am I missing? Why not just ban the use of fireworks on their property? Can we at least change it to 250 feet as we celebrate that anniversary this year? Is that asking too much?

I bought some lighter fluid at Kroger yesterday. There’s no 300 foot rule on lighter fluid. Apparently I can grill in their parking lot. But I got carded. 

Do they really look at the ID if you look old? I think it’s a fake look at the ID if you look over 30. But maybe they make a game out of it and try to guess your age and then, if they’re really good at it over time, I bet they apply for a job at the age guessing booth at the carnival. Yeah.

Conway

One day when I was young my friend’s mom was out for a jog. A truck drove by and the driver threw something out the window. It landed well up into a yard.  My friend’s mother was curious as to what it was, so she picked it up. It was a Conway Twitty 8 track tape! Being the kind, thoughtful mother she was, she took it home and gave it to her son (my friend).

The tape worked and we played it to death. (It was the age of 8 track tapes.) We never figured out why the tape was thrown out the window; we don’t think the driver ever came back looking for it. Maybe he got tired of that Conway song “You’re the Reason our Kids are Ugly”.  I bet that was it.

This is just one more reason to get out there and jog, folks. It ain’t just about the exercise.  

Out House is a Very Very Very Fine House

Who came up with the term “out house”? I like it. I like it more than the term “pit toilet”.  Back in the day they made two holer, side by side outhouses. There was no dividing wall between the two holes. You just sat there with the other person. Maybe you talked. I can’t remember using one but I definitely remember seeing one as a child. It left an impression.

I’ve asked some older folks about this, and yes, people remember these two holers. There’s no agreement as to why they existed. Some think it was for efficiency.  Others say it was a couples thing. But I’m guessing these failed as a concept since there weren’t very many of them. There was never a three or more no-wall unit, to anyone’s knowledge.

Our research indicates there was no connection to this concept with the phrase, “Will you go out with me?”

You Say Torpedo, I Say Torpedo

This week I heard a famous 380BC quote from the Spartan warrior Dienekes. When told that the Persian enemy’s arrows would be so numerous that they would blot out the sun he replied, “Good, then we will fight in the shade!” So yeah, this quote has stayed famous for like, what, 2400 years? Not sure I get it. I’m not sure it ranks up with “I have not yet begun to fight!”, or, “D@$* the torpedoes, full speed ahead!”, or “I shall return!”. Or even, “I’ll be back!”. ( Was Schwarzenegger trying to quote General McArthur there?)

I mean, did Vince Lombardi or Knute Rockne ever fire up their football teams at halftime by shouting this Dienekes quote? Dienekes must have been a tremendous soldier and they wanted something to remember him by.That's gotta be it.

I’ll try this saying at the next sales meeting at work. Yeah.

7/10 Split

 

It’s ice cream season. I love ice cream. I love the novelties. Let’s look at some of these novelties as we enter the summer season:

• Banana Split – I know a guy who owns a bowling alley and he’s opening an ice cream shop. This may lead to some sticky bowling balls, but we’ll see. I told him he needs to call his banana split the 7/10 split. We’ll see if he takes me up on that. Maybe the 7/10 split is so undesirable in bowling that bowlers would stay away from something with that name…
• Bomb Pop – It’s red, white and blue and you eat it in red, white and blue order. Perfect for America’s 250^th anniversary. Get one now!
• Creamsicle – Popsicle with ice cream in the middle. Delish. Also known as the dreamsicle or jet bar. I get that dreamsicle and creamsicle could get confused with each other and the “C” and the “D” are close to each other so maybe it was a simple typo. But jet bar?

Perhaps the jet bar was invented to carry and drop the bomb pop. I’m pretty busy running this blog so if somebody with a military ice cream background could look into that that’d be great. Somebody who worked in the galley .   

It's Getting Butter All The Time

 My family and my readers are aware of my love of butter. I even received a beautiful yellow Butterie butter dish for my birthday!  The Butterie eliminates the daily chore of attempting to soften the butter to a spreadable texture by microwaving it. You simply leave the Butterie out all night and it’s there on the counter to greet you each morning.

Many of the letters we receive here at Uncle Tommy are signed “LOL”. Some people understand that to mean “Laughed out Loud”. Others take that to mean “Lots of Love”.  Some say it’s a combination of those two. We here at Uncle Tommy understand the real meaning of the phrase: “Land O Lakes”.Yeah. We know the code. 

You’d butter believe it.     

Smelling Bee

 It’s really hard to find good help what with the immigration crack down and all. Workers are being deported and those who remain are often over worked. We were at a restaurant last week where the waitress had to cover the whole dining room by herself and asked us multiple times if we could sneak her out of the building!

I’ve been covering this whole blog pretty much by myself lately and I made a big mistake on the previous post about drug sniffing dogs. Chalk it up to exhaustion. Originally I had erroneously typed dog sniffing dogs being out of work instead of drug sniffing dogs.  That’s a big difference. This error was in the original post and some of you may have read it before it got corrected.

Rest assured dear readers, your dog sniffing dogs are not being retired. Or deported. As far as I know, they’re out there in full force.  But if your dog is a German shepherd or French poodle, make sure its passport is up to date!

Oooh That Smell

Now that marijuana is being legalized in so many states, we are seeing more and more former drug sniffing dogs who are now out of jobs. These poor dogs went through meticulous training, sometimes lasting (dog) years. Remember that old saying: you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Yeah, these dogs can’t likely become seeing-eye dogs or sled dogs or something. Most of them can't be "untrained". 

So these dogs are retired. They stay inside on the couch watching animal planet. Or they end up at a shelter, or at the pound. (In Canada, do they call the pound the kilogram?)

At any rate, someone needs to start an adoption program for these guys, something along this theme: "Tired of being hooked on weed? Adopt this dog. You’ll never buy weed again.” Pretty simple if you think about it.

Tubby Time

We had an interesting conversation yesterday about tub access for seniors. One of the last calls you want to receive is the elderly relative or neighbor calling to tell you that they’ve fallen and they can’t get up. There’s a range of these calls, none of which are good. However, the worst of these is likely, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get out of the tub”.  Nobody wants that call. Even professional first responders don’t want that call.

So, should the elderly be required to wear bathing suits in the tub or shower after a certain age? I know this seems extreme and I have no idea how it could be enforced, but, for the benefit of society, I don’t think this is a bad idea. We may be on to something.

This could also be helpful when a senior receives one of those face time calls from the grandchildren.

 

Diaper Time

I’m going to a diaper party Saturday. It’s my first one - I’m pretty busy with this blog. I was familiar with toga parties when I was young, in fact I was in my high school’s Latin Club as many of you know (I was also on the Latin Club basketball team), and we had incredible banquets where we wore the garb. Julius Caesar had nothing on us. We ruled. But I hadn’t been to a diaper party.

Apparently there are big differences in the two parties. Whereas one wears a toga to a toga party, one does not wear a diaper to a diaper party. That’s a good thing to know and I’ll throw that out there for any of you who might attend one of these someday.

So yeah, you take a box of diapers to the party. And I’m told you don’t have to wrap them, ‘cause, like, everybody’s giving the same gift but the receiver would still have to act surprised and stuff when he unwrapped your diapers. And it’d be hard to tell in the pictures which gift came from which person. 

And don’t even get me started on sorting out the thank you notes.

Camels and Camo

 

While at the zoo last week I saw a couple wearing camouflage.  Yeah, I saw them. They likely did not want to be seen, but yeah, I saw them. You have to wonder in those situations if they were on the lam, hiding from some past misdeed of some sort. That was my first thought. But, as I sought out the security guy, I thought to myself, maybe they weren’t on the lam; maybe they did not want the animals to see them for some reason. Maybe they thought that the animals were more likely to come out from hiding if they didn’t see any people.

In hindsight, I bet they were simply trying to sneak into the zoo without paying. That had to be it. I suppose it’s possible they were hunters but let’s not even go there!