Pro Bono

I was recently at a business gathering and this guy introduced himself to me as “Johnny”. No last name. Everyone else had first and last names on their name tags and this guy just went with “Johnny”. Apparently his last name is difficult to pronounce, so he thinks he can just go by his first name. I politely explained to him that he had to have a more unique name than “Johnny” to go by first name only. I mean, who does this “Johnny” think he is, Cher?  

So, what’s with these people who think they have a corner on a first name? Oprah, Madonna, Ichiro come to mind. Sting, Bono. Ringo maybe. And a bunch of current singers that I really don’t care about. They are first name only people or “FNOPs” because they have made up names, and nobody else has that name. And, of course, who in their right mind would really want any of those “names”? (You never hear a kid say, “Mom, why couldn’t you have named me Sting?”) The big question here is: Did Bono pick his name because Cher (formerly known as Cher Bono) had dropped it and it was in some celebrity-only discard pile? (“Well, if she really doesn’t want it…”)

What happens when two of these folks marry each other? If Cher and Bono married would she become Cher Bono again? Stay tuned!

Talkin' Collegiate Bean Bag Blues

Our daughter will be returning to college next month. Unfortunately she just received a notice stating that beanbag chairs are no longer allowed on campus due to these chairs now being considered fire hazards. (I'm guessing that a hungry student attempted to cook the beans while they were still in the chair, perhaps.) Regardless, this is a tough decision to hear as a parent. You see, the beanbag chair was always a source of comfort for parents of college kids. We knew that these colorful chairs, while certainly pretty worthless as a piece of  furniture, were a potential source of food for the kids if there was ever a bad storm or if their money ran out. The threat of having to eat the beans would force these young adults to be more responsible with their finances. A call home asking for money for food would be answered, "Well, did you eat the beans yet?" They would not typically ask again. As a side note, these beans do not have to be harvested all at once. The shrinking bags can be resealed with duct tape during the process and can continue to be used as small chairs or pillows.

For those of you still allowed to send a beanbag chair with your child to school, I would recommend giving each of them the following recipe to keep in their room as a reminder:

Uncle Tommy's Bean Dish

Ingredients: Beans, Tomato Paste (if available)
Remove beans from chair. Boil in large pot on hot plate for 25 min. Drain. Add paste (if available). Stir. Serve warm. Feeds 1.

The Accordian File

I’m seriously considering buying or leasing an accordion. I know, I’ve been saying that for years, but now my friend has actually located an accordion for me, so I may take the plunge. My dad had a cousin who played it and I think it may be in my blood. My goal would be to also buy a cottage on a small lake with a rowboat and have my wife or someone row us along the shore at night while I sang and played the accordion. I would learn some sea chanteys and pirate songs. 

                                          “Ring ding diddle iddle I de-o,

                                           up and down the shore we go."

The singing would probably get us invited to campfires and beach parties on the shore where I would sing, dance, play accordion, pass the hat and collect enough to pay for the accordion and the cottage. The entertainment could possibly include magic tricks. This would also be a great way to make friends with the local fishermen and trappers. 

If that plan turns out to be too aggressive, plan B would be to tour the county, singing and playing the accordion in the back of an ice cream truck, hawking Bomb Pops between chanteys. Regardless of whether it's by boat or by truck, you’ll know it’s me when I come through your town.

Deja View

Have you ever gone to a reunion or some type of family gathering where people bring out old pictures of previous gatherings and you’re wearing the exact same outfit today that you were wearing in the picture? You, my friend, are a victim of what we here at Uncle Tommy refer to as Deja View. This can be very embarrassing and can lead to a low self esteem. There are, however, a number of ways to mitigate these situations and restore one’s confidence. The first would be for you to simply move to a different table. This, of course, also gives you a chance to revisit the buffet. A win-win, sort of. A second method is to simply steal the picture being passed around when it comes to you. Do a fake sneeze and slip the picture into your sport coat pocket. If you get a “God Bless You” from someone you know you’ve been successful. (If you can generate a real sneeze on demand, this would be helpful.) If there is no “God Bless You”, move to another table or leave. A third option would be to run out the door, head for the nearest clothes donation box, take off your shirt and throw it in.  

Alas! There’s our answer to what that guy was doing on Conant St. on Father’s Day (see Outside the Box, June 24, 2015). We can now close that file. I know I’ll sleep better.

Beach Fashion Safety Tip

When you gals go to the beach, do you find yourself being rescued repeatedly by the lifeguard ‘cause you can’t swim? Has he tired of your scream? There’s only one thing worse than that experience while swimming: being rescued by the lifeguard while wearing a bathing suit that you don’t look good in. Well, how would you like to kill two seagulls with one stone? We here at Uncle Tommy are designing our incredible new inflatable, floating bathing suit. It floats, and you look good in it! In the past you were supposed to wear the orange life vest over your bathing suit. It was clunky and just not very stylish. So you didn’t wear it and the life guard had to rescue you repeatedly. See above. With our new suit, at the first sign of a swimming mishap, you simply pull the handy cord and feel the unit inflate. Instantly, you’re back to splashing with your friends. And, for a change of pace, you can replace the air in the suit with helium for para-sailing or even kiting. If you want to call us Uncle Tommy Hilfiger that’s OK with us! 

   

Please girls, don’t even once think that almost drowning is a good way to meet lifeguards. He’s not gonna think you’re cool. On the other hand, if he sees you flying on a string over his head, you've got a chance.

Shark Week

Somebody told me today that it’s Shark Week. Fortunately for the people on the Shark Network, there have been numerous attacks this year along the east coast, so ratings are up. I wanted to state right up front that it is not the intent of this blog to improve our ratings or to profit in any way from these good people who have been attacked. Rather, our intent here is to provide some safe swimming tips to you, the young ocean swimmer, so you don’t have to watch Shark Week. So tip number one would be to always wear a bathing suit. These sharks, unlike goats, are not fond of eating clothing, so, when possible, wear a bigger suit (Size XL (40)) than you would wear, say, at the city pool. A second tip would be to not wear a suit with any type of fish print. Sharks eat fish. Thirdly, and if you don’t remember anything else from this post, remember this: Men, wear your suit inside out. Yes, you read that right, inside out. This will expose the fine netting from the inside of your suit. Sharks do not like nets and will likely leave you alone once they see that.