Jugglenaut

 I found out a last weekend that a friend of mine can juggle. That’s a cool skill. When I was a kid I worked with a guy who could juggle. We were bag boys at the grocery store. He would juggle people’s oranges and apples as he was bagging them. People frowned on his antics, but in hindsight, he was pretty good. He never ran off and joined the circus, but he could have. Yeah. He was good.

So, like, do people run off and join the circus because they’re skilled at circus acts, or do they learn the skills after they join the circus? Like, did the lion tamer work at the zoo and practice after closing time with the lions when nobody was around? Did the trapeze guys work as a lineman for the power company and practice swinging on the wires at lunch?

Is the fortune teller at the carnival a former economist? 

Merry Christmas as you juggle all your activities over the holidays!

Bold Prediction

Mitt Romney was in the headlines this week. Apparently he made a bold prediction. He predicted that Vice President Elect JD Vance is going to be the Republican presidential nominee in 2028. Wow! And what’s even more amazing is that the media reported it. A slow day for news, perhaps?

We here at UT have no beef with Mitt – no, this is not another meat post - but Mitt needs to take this a bit further and make a couple more bold predictions:

·         Trump will not run again in 2028

·         Joe Biden will not run again in 2028

·         Hunter Biden will not run in 2028

There should be presidential pardons for people who just say the wrong things. Maybe Joe can pardon Mitt for this gaff.

Meat Post IX

Remember when we used to do meat posts here at UT? Well, I love Chinese food. But menus at Chinese restaurants can be really long and time consuming. By the time you're done reading, you've drunk all your tea. When ordering Chinese food, be sure to check for the fine print on the menu. It’s easy to get fooled. For instance:

•              Almost Boneless Chicken – You may order this thinking it’s Almond Boneless Chicken. Be careful!
•     General Tso and Tso’s Chicken – ‘Nuff said. General Tso in general outranks Colonel Sanders on the Chicken Chart but make sure there’s only one Tso.  (Is Cap’n Crunch the highest military rank in cereal?)
•     Sesame Street Chicken – Don’t order this (thinking it’s Sesame Chicken) unless it’s on the children’s menu. By the way, has anybody seen Big Bird lately?

Yes, this may be that one post that you don't read to your children. We want a Happy Family.

 

Step Right Down!

I took a fall last week coming down the steps. I’m OK, just banged up a bit. I tripped over a box on the third step and next thing you know I was down in a heap. I asked people at work how many steps you had to fall before you could say you “fell down the steps”. They said it had to be at least four steps before you can say “fell down the steps”, but for a senior they said it could be three steps. The nurses I asked said that there was no set rule for that in the medical community.

I didn’t turn the stairwell light on and that likely contributed to my fall. I had asked an eye doctor a while ago if, as I age, my pupils adjust slower to the darkness or light, say, when I go in the closet. His response to me was, “Why don’t you just turn on the light?”

I bumped into the eye doctor last week and I told him about the stairwell fall. He said if it happens again he’s gonna put me on a twelve step program.

Fake Diamond

There’s a concert coming up soon at one of our local theaters. I saw it advertised on a billboard along the freeway. It’s one of those billboards that lights up. It’s a picture of Neil Diamond and it says “concert” or something like that. I assumed it was a Neil Diamond tribute concert.  But I saw a friend of mine at a restaurant Friday night and he said it was the real guy, that Neil was coming here to perform. Now Neil’s 83 years old, but hey, I thought, Frankie Valley is still performing in Vegas at 91.

So I did some research, and no, it’s a Neil Diamond tribute thing. But the tickets are like $118! That’s where they fool you. Here’s their strategy: if you price the tickets high enough, we consumers think it’s the real guy and we buy the tickets.  I think this is brilliant – Why didn’t I think of this?

These tickets, if used as a Christmas present, could prove to be a problem however. I could see this one sided conversation happening: “No, instead of giving me a diamond for Christmas, he gave me Neil Diamond tickets. Only it’s not even the real Neil Diamond.”  Be careful.  

Dr. Rick

I caught myself using the phrase “neck of the woods” on Thanksgiving. I wonder if that’s a phrase that that mean, parent hating Dr. Rick guy in the Progressive commercials would not allow young people to use because they would sound too much like their parents.  That Dr. Rick’s got me checking just about everything I say. I’m constantly looking over my shoulder for that guy. I personally have no problem with the phrase. But I think it could be enhanced to make it more specific such as:

•           Upper Torso of the Woods – This refers to a larger area. Let’s say the guy you’re talking to lives in Montana, for instance.
•  Adam’s Apple of the Woods – When you want to confine your request to a smaller area, like maybe one zip code.
•  Esophagus of the Woods – Again, a more specific area.  Perhaps more secluded than Adam’s Apple of the Woods.

Use these modified phrases and that mean, parent hating Dr. Rick will leave you alone.

Where do you stand on the word “bully”, Dr. Rick?