On Dasher!

I love and respect Door Dash drivers. I do. That’s hard work. But do you ever drive to pick up dinner, and when you get to the restaurant your food’s not ready and you stand there with the door dash people, and one of your old friends or somebody from the club sees you there and they think that you lost your day job or your retirement’s not working out and you had to become a Door Dash guy? That happened to me last night. I was at a nice restaurant waiting for my food and saw some old friends. I couldn’t tell them, “I’m not a Door Dash guy”, ‘cause I was standing there with the Door Dash/Uber Eats guys and I didn’t want to embarrass them. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a Door Dash guy. I respect them. 

Actually this is how Door Dash gets you to use their service. They know you maybe don’t want to stand around with the Door Dash guys in restaurant lobbies. So you use Door Dash. Pretty simple. It doesn’t take a genius to figure this stuff out. Yeah. I took a marketing course in college.

Text Mess

Today I tried to call a business consultant I know. He didn’t answer but I immediately got a text from him before I could leave him a message. The text read: “Sorry I can’t take your call now. I’ll call you back very soon.” Well, I fell for it. I did. I always do. Yeah. I pulled the phone from my ear to read his text. By the time I got the phone back to my ear, his voicemail message was over, so I didn’t know if he was maybe in a meeting or maybe off skiing or something. (I’m not sure if he’s a skier, but he sometimes wears one of those cool tight ski caps.) And I missed the beep, so I didn’t leave him a message.

I’ll take partial blame here. Yeah, I shouldn’t be checking texts when I’m on the phone (driving or not!). But, do we need his text message if there’s already a voice message on his voicemail? At a minimum, the following needs to be added to the above text message: “And sorry if this text caused you to miss leaving me a voice message.”

Vows

Friends of mine renewed their vows on their 50^th anniversary last month. They did it on a beach in Mexico surrounded by family. (That “surrounded by family” bit sounds a little too much like dying to me but maybe that’s just me.) At any rate, it sounds like it was a wonderful ceremony. The beach, the sun, mariachi music, a nice meal afterwards. And they each wrote their own vows. I like that!

I didn’t have the heart to ask him, (and I don’t think he reads this), but are vow renewals in Mexico legal in the US? Do they even count? Do I offer to have them read their vows to me here in the states, at least on a zoom?

Sea Cruise

Today when I was doing a bit a shopping, I asked a friendly clerk if she was ready for Christmas. She said that, yes, she was, and she had better be because she was going on a cruise the week of Christmas. She proceeded to tell me that one of the stops was in The Bahamas. I asked her if she was aware that none of the NASA  rockets lifted off from Nassau in the Bahamas. She, totally missing the joke, told me the rockets take off at Cape Canaveral. Frustrating…

In hindsight I guess I could have asked her if all the Carnival Cruises ship out there at Cape Carnival…

The First Norelco

I love to travel. You learn so much. I saw my first holiday billboard for an attorney while traveling last week. The sign just said “Fa la la la Law” or something. Harmless, I suppose. Maybe one of the wise men was an attorney…

My favorite Christmas commercial on TV was the Norelco commercial where Santa rides the Norelco shaver down the slope. He hits a mogul and goes flying and comes down right in front of the lodge. At the end of the commercial they showed the name of the company, but they replaced the ”R” with a snowflake, so it became “No*elco”. It was a clever touch. People dug it. That commercial aired for like 20 years.

The most amazing thing about that commercial is that they selected Santa as the guy to represent their company, to represent their shaver. Yet, ironically, Santa never shaved – at least not that we know of. I wonder how hard it was to convince Santa to do the commercial. I bet him shaving his beard was part of the original script and he negotiated that out…

All the Trim(mings)

I went to the barber today for my Thanksgiving haircut. It’s a one chair shop. The guy ahead of me talked on and on about how his family got their Thanksgiving meal last year from Bob Evans and how terrible it was.  He said the meat was “just sliced cold cuts” and that the dressing was “inedible mush” (not the more edible Bob Evans corn mush I mentioned on this blog (3/16/25)). They had given up on Bob Evans and were getting their food somewhere else this year.

When it was my turn in the chair the barber asked me what we were doing for Thanksgiving. I told him we were having family over. I asked him what they were doing and he said they were getting food from Bob Evans. Well, talk about putting a damper on the conversation! It didn’t seem to affect my haircut but it was awkward.  When I left I gave him a half-hearted “Have a nice Thanksgiving”.

So, do I bring this up at my next haircut? I’m afraid to ask him what he’s doing for Christmas…

Wizards

When I was a kid the Baltimore Bullets were a good basketball team. Wesley Unseld, Gus Johnson, Jack Marin, Kevin Loughery. Oh, and Earl “The Pearl” Monroe. I wanted to play like Earl Monroe. I was disappointed when we read Steinbeck’s “The Pearl” in 7^th grade and found out it had nothing to do with basketball. Well, eventually the Bullets moved to DC and became the Washington Bullets. Then the NBA decided they wanted a less violent nickname for the team so they became the Washington Wizards.

The rest of the world needs to fall in line with appropriate name changes:

•                 “Wizards Over Broadway” – Woody Allen needs to change his movie title.
•           “Wizard” – Frank Bullit becomes Frank Wizard in the Steve McQueen classic
•            “Number One with a Wizard” – Yeah
•            “Red Wiz” Energy Drink – OK, we need to re-visit that one…
•           “Wizard Proof Vest” – Uh-huh
•           “Wizard Points” in a blog post – Uh-oh. You caught me…

We need to replace the black dots with little wizards. Anybody got a phone # for Microsoft?

Livernois

 

Last Tuesday I was in an important meeting with two other people at about 11:20 when my stomach started making that hungry gurgling noise. I call it livernois. I was on one side of the table and the other people were on the other side. So, like, what do you do in that situation? Here are the options:

1.           Acknowledge it, say it’s you. This can lead to a premature end to your meeting. They’ll think you’re hungry.
2. Invite them to lunch. This can also lead to a premature end to your meeting.
3. Try to flip the sound to them. Ask them if they’re OK.  It’s pretty challenging, but the higher the number of people in the meeting, the higher chance the potential the sound can be deflected.
4. Look behind you to non-verbally cast the blame on something behind you, perhaps a printer or something outside the window (“Those pesky squirrels are bad this year!”). If allowed to choose your seat, always pick the seat near the window for this purpose.

But the ultimate response in this situation is to check your phone immediately after each gurgle. This tells the other people in the room that your ring tone is on the “gurgle setting”.  This is guaranteed to work. You can thank me later. Maybe buy me lunch.

New York Jett

I saw Joan Jett perform once. Well, sorta. She was in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. But I was there in person. After 950 posts, you loyal readers thought you knew everything about me, didn’t you?

But yeah, Joan’s name came up recently. We were talking about hockey, and somebody wondered why the Chicago team is still allowed to be called the Black Hawks. It would take more than this humble blog to sort that all out. But I mentioned that, as far as I knew, Joan Jett’s band was still called the Black Hawks.  Well, despite having seen Joan perform, I was wrong. Her band of course is called The Black Hearts.

I, like many, associate Black Hearts with Black Lung Disease.  Not sure why anyone would name their band after something like that. Maybe the Black Hawks get to keep their name ‘cause it’s less offensive than Black Hearts…

Delay of Game

My wife and I have identical clock radios on each side of our bed. Today, after being out of town for 3 days, her clock was an hour behind mine. Hers had automatically changed with the time change while mine did not. I have no idea why. It had always changed automatically on the correct day prior to this.  I checked the date and the AM PM on the clock. It was all correct. I checked the AM FM thing as well although that probably was overkill…

So yeah, I’m on edge. I don’t know if or when the clock will automatically fall back an hour. Will it fall back on another Sunday morning? Or will it fall back on a week day? Will it fall back on an afternoon? Will it fall back more than once? Will it fall back at some increment less than an hour? Like I said, I’m on edge.

On the bright side, this whole episode has provided me with yet another excuse for being late. “Yeah, my clock turned back again on the wrong day.” I can’t wait to try this out.

Hey, Hey, You, You, Get off of my Lawn

 The Rolling Stones are still a thing. Mick is 82 now. Keith is 81. Ronnie Wood is only 78. They’re still recording, still touring. Their most recent album got minimal airplay. It got decent reviews, but I think the critics were being kind, not wanting to rip old people. Their concerts sell out, but the crowds are really old. So yeah, if these guys are gonna keep going, they need a boost of some sort.

That boost might be acknowledging their current fan base. How do they accomplish that, you ask? Here’s how:

•                        Get women their age on their album covers. They could do multiple album covers for each album like that singer Taylor Swift.
•           Replace their backup singers with 80 year old women.
•            Perform in Branson
•            Do a duet album with Cher

And end every concert with their 1971 hit “Can’t You Hear Me Knockin’”

Wieners and Losers

The Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile was in town a couple of weeks ago. It was parked in front of our local grocery store. People lined up to see it. The line ran right along a major highway, so everybody saw you if you were in line. There were quite a few people with kids in line to see the vehicle – they let you look inside and stuff and take pictures.

But I did not sense a pattern of people who beat a path into the store to buy hot dogs, no. And I think I know why. There was no mascot. No wiener man. A good mascot would have those lured at least the kids into the store to pick up an 8 pack of Oscars.

They would have no problem finding a someone to be the mascot, ‘cause most of us grew up wishing we were an Oscar Meyer Wiener. I know I did.   

Braking News!

I got passed by a student driver vehicle going like 85 miles per hour yesterday. And I knew it was a student driving ‘cause the driver had that stiff, way too good posture that student drivers have – they haven’t learned to slouch yet. So how could that be, a student driver going that fast? Well, I bet there are off the grid driving schools out there that teach fast driving. Their advertising theme is probably something like, “You know your child is going to speed. At the Earnhardt School of Driving, your child learns how to speed safely.” Developing…

I'm troubled by the fact that the driver’s education cars have a brake pedal for the teacher to use if needed. But parents are supposed to drive 50 hours with their child WITH NO BRAKE PEDAL ON THE RIGHT SIDE!! How is this right? And please don’t say “But you have airbags”.  No.

I bet the Earnhardt School of Driving vehicle has a parachute that can be activated from the right side.

Blessed Insurance

USAA keeps pushing their insurance on us in commercials. Their insurance is available only to military personnel and their families.  Their typical commercial shows a young person stressing over insurance prices. An older person in the room senses their stress and mentions that they are eligible for USAA ‘cause grampa served in armed forces at the Bay of Pigs or someplace. 

I really want to call USAA and ask some questions:

•                Does the Confederate Army count?
•          Does the Salvation Army count?
•          If my relative was a deserter, do I qualify?
•          If my relative was a deserter from the Salvation Army, do I qualify?

How many people apply for this insurance, only to find out that their relative lied about being in the Army, or worse yet, they were a deserter?

This could lead to a forfeiture of a military pension. Is there insurance for this type of incident?

Spocktacular

Do you ever encounter these people who call Mr. Spock from Star Trek Dr. Spock? Do these folks think that the Leonard Nimoy character wrote the Dr. Spock child rearing books? Boy, I bet they’re surprised when they order a Dr. Spock book and they don’t see Leonard Nimoy’s picture on the cover…

I bet Nimoy had a hard time getting other roles after Star Trek, what with those crazy ears of his. “Sorry Leonard. We can’t give you this role – everybody would think you were that Dr. Spock guy. But if we ever make a documentary about child rearing, we’ve got your number.”

Old Rick

 I’m not a fan of Dr. Rick of those Progressive Insurance commercials. He’s the guy who criticizes his clients for being too much like their parents. On a recent commercial he criticizes a guy for talking to someone who is in the bathroom when the door was closed. “When the door is closed, the conversation stops!” he scolds. Really Rick, you don’t have anything better to do with your time?

Meanwhile on an Old Spice commercial, a woman is yelling through a closed bathroom door at a man in a tub, asking him if he’s using all the Old Spice soap.

So, Madison Ave, which is it? Can we talk to someone in the bathroom when the door is closed, or not?

If any of you readers ever happen to see Dr. Rick in person, follow him to the bathroom and ask him through the closed door if he’s using all the Old Spice.  Ask him repeatedly. Thanks.

New Words and Phrases for 2025

 

Here are some new words and phrases we’ve stumbled across in the last few months:

• Stitious – Kind of superstitious, but not that much.  
• Fifth year senior citizens – Those senior citizens over 75, maybe 80. A voting block, no doubt.
• Sour Spot – the spot you hit when you miss the sweet spot
• Father in law Suite – Why don’t these exist?
• Twelve Pack – A dozen eggs
• Code Brown – Code language for a diaper change alert
• Lexiconception – Doing what we’re doing here. Doing what we do. Inventing words and phrases. 
• Snicker Doodle Doo - My cookie idea I'm proposing to the chicken restaurant chains.

Did I tell you I took a Marketing course in college? 

2026?

 

I was at the bank the other day and saw that the 2026 calendars are already available. That seems a little early, doesn’t it? We’re not even three quarters of the way through this year! They’re big calendars, but one would think that, with 100 days still to go in this year, they might get lost…

On the other hand, I recently noticed that our local grocery store still had the 2025 Farmer’s Almanac on the rack, between the National Enquirer and the Midnight Star.  That seems a little late for the almanac, I thought. Those crops are already being harvested, man…

Of course, the stores could just leave the same issue of the Enquirer out there all year and nobody’d notice.  Those UFO’s are gonna land whenever they want to. And Prince Harry will still be moping out in California…

I've Seen Earth Wind & Fire and i've Seen Rain

Earth, Wind, and Fire (EW&F) toured again this summer for like the 50^th time. Has anyone besides me not seen them live? What’s with their name? Is there significance to it? Shouldn’t we understand it by now? I don’t think we do.

Is one of the guys Earth, one of the guys Wind, and the third guy Fire? Are they supposed to be like Rock, Paper, and Scissors (RP&S)? (I never understood Rock, Paper and Scissors. Scissors cuts paper. And Rock destroys Scissors. But no way can Paper ever beat Rock. Rock would destroy Paper. C’mon. Sure, they’ll tell you that paper surrounds the rock. Yeah, right.)  In the case of EW &F I suppose Wind could blow out Fire, Fire could destroy Earth, but how does Earth destroy Wind?

Who wins a tag team fight between EW&F and RP&S? Discuss among yourselves...

Dust My Broom

In sports, when a team has won all the games in a series leading up to the final game of the series, fans supporting that team hope for a sweep, which is when a team wins all the games in a series. This leads fans to bring brooms to the final game; the brooms signify the sweep. Pretty clever, huh? I have a couple of observations on these events:

•           Fans only bring straw brooms, also known as corn brooms. I’ve never seen a push broom at a game. Somebody should bring one. And just once I’d like to see one of those Bissels at a game…
•           I’m surprised they actually let people bring brooms into the game. It’s a wonder nobody gets hurt. If I was in charge I’d limit it to whisk brooms. It’s hard to get hurt by one of those.

If I owned the team, I’d allow brooms at the game but I’d make it a condition that the fans sweep up around themselves after the game. Especially if it happened to be one of those bring your dog, Bark at the Park nights. C’mon. Is that asking too much?

Skin Care

Yesterday I heard somebody talk about getting goose bumps. Goose bumps are “a psychological reaction where your skin develops small raised bumps due to cold, fear, or excitement”, per Webster. I bet Eskimos get them, especially if they’re scared or excited.

People used to also get goose pimples. I know I did. But you never hear about goose pimples anymore. Why is that? Was a cure developed for goose pimples? A vaccine?

I’m thinking that global warming made them disappear. I’ll ask my dermatologist. I have an appointment next month.