Hey, Hey, You, You, Get off of my Lawn

 The Rolling Stones are still a thing. Mick is 82 now. Keith is 81. Ronnie Wood is only 78. They’re still recording, still touring. Their most recent album got minimal airplay. It got decent reviews, but I think the critics were being kind, not wanting to rip old people. Their concerts sell out, but the crowds are really old. So yeah, if these guys are gonna keep going, they need a boost of some sort.

That boost might be acknowledging their current fan base. How do they accomplish that, you ask? Here’s how:

•                        Get women their age on their album covers. They could do multiple album covers for each album like that singer Taylor Swift.
•           Replace their backup singers with 80 year old women.
•            Perform in Branson
•            Do a duet album with Cher

And end every concert with their 1971 hit “Can’t You Hear Me Knockin’”

Wieners and Losers

The Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile was in town a couple of weeks ago. It was parked in front of our local grocery store. People lined up to see it. The line ran right along a major highway, so everybody saw you if you were in line. There were quite a few people with kids in line to see the vehicle – they let you look inside and stuff and take pictures.

But I did not sense a pattern of people who beat a path into the store to buy hot dogs, no. And I think I know why. There was no mascot. No wiener man. A good mascot would have those lured at least the kids into the store to pick up an 8 pack of Oscars.

They would have no problem finding a someone to be the mascot, ‘cause most of us grew up wishing we were an Oscar Meyer Wiener. I know I did.   

Braking News!

I got passed by a student driver vehicle going like 85 miles per hour yesterday. And I knew it was a student driving ‘cause the driver had that stiff, way too good posture that student drivers have – they haven’t learned to slouch yet. So how could that be, a student driver going that fast? Well, I bet there are off the grid driving schools out there that teach fast driving. Their advertising theme is probably something like, “You know your child is going to speed. At the Earnhardt School of Driving, your child learns how to speed safely.” Developing…

I'm troubled by the fact that the driver’s education cars have a brake pedal for the teacher to use if needed. But parents are supposed to drive 50 hours with their child WITH NO BRAKE PEDAL ON THE RIGHT SIDE!! How is this right? And please don’t say “But you have airbags”.  No.

I bet the Earnhardt School of Driving vehicle has a parachute that can be activated from the right side.

Blessed Insurance

USAA keeps pushing their insurance on us in commercials. Their insurance is available only to military personnel and their families.  Their typical commercial shows a young person stressing over insurance prices. An older person in the room senses their stress and mentions that they are eligible for USAA ‘cause grampa served in armed forces at the Bay of Pigs or someplace. 

I really want to call USAA and ask some questions:

•                Does the Confederate Army count?
•          Does the Salvation Army count?
•          If my relative was a deserter, do I qualify?
•          If my relative was a deserter from the Salvation Army, do I qualify?

How many people apply for this insurance, only to find out that their relative lied about being in the Army, or worse yet, they were a deserter?

This could lead to a forfeiture of a military pension. Is there insurance for this type of incident?

Spocktacular

Do you ever encounter these people who call Mr. Spock from Star Trek Dr. Spock? Do these folks think that the Leonard Nimoy character wrote the Dr. Spock child rearing books? Boy, I bet they’re surprised when they order a Dr. Spock book and they don’t see Leonard Nimoy’s picture on the cover…

I bet Nimoy had a hard time getting other roles after Star Trek, what with those crazy ears of his. “Sorry Leonard. We can’t give you this role – everybody would think you were that Dr. Spock guy. But if we ever make a documentary about child rearing, we’ve got your number.”

Old Rick

 I’m not a fan of Dr. Rick of those Progressive Insurance commercials. He’s the guy who criticizes his clients for being too much like their parents. On a recent commercial he criticizes a guy for talking to someone who is in the bathroom when the door was closed. “When the door is closed, the conversation stops!” he scolds. Really Rick, you don’t have anything better to do with your time?

Meanwhile on an Old Spice commercial, a woman is yelling through a closed bathroom door at a man in a tub, asking him if he’s using all the Old Spice soap.

So, Madison Ave, which is it? Can we talk to someone in the bathroom when the door is closed, or not?

If any of you readers ever happen to see Dr. Rick in person, follow him to the bathroom and ask him through the closed door if he’s using all the Old Spice.  Ask him repeatedly. Thanks.

New Words and Phrases for 2025

 

Here are some new words and phrases we’ve stumbled across in the last few months:

• Stitious – Kind of superstitious, but not that much.  
• Fifth year senior citizens – Those senior citizens over 75, maybe 80. A voting block, no doubt.
• Sour Spot – the spot you hit when you miss the sweet spot
• Father in law Suite – Why don’t these exist?
• Twelve Pack – A dozen eggs
• Code Brown – Code language for a diaper change alert
• Lexiconception – Doing what we’re doing here. Doing what we do. Inventing words and phrases. 
• Snicker Doodle Doo - My cookie idea I'm proposing to the chicken restaurant chains.

Did I tell you I took a Marketing course in college?