Guess Watt?

Let me start this by saying that I am not a fan of Abbot and Costello’s “Who’s On First” routine. But sometimes similar (and funnier) situations can surface in real life. For instance, I ran into our old friend Mrs. Watt over the weekend. Her last name is tricky. She gets in a lot of conversations that go something like this:

Person: What’s your last name m’am?

Mrs. Watt: Watt

Person: What’s your last name?

Mrs. Watt: Watt

Person (slightly louder): What’s your last name?

Mrs. Watt: Watt!

This confusion can go on for minutes. I doubt if this happens to the famous football player JJ Watt because people know him, but I feel bad for Mrs. Watt. She's been forced to take numerous hearing tests over the years.

We also had a friend named Jim Guess. He found himself in more than one conversation that went something like this:

Person: What’s your last name, son?

Jim: Guess

Person: Smith? Jones?

Jim: No. Guess.

Person: I give up. What is it?

Jim: Guess

Obviously, this can be frustrating for both sides and these poor people get beat up from time to time. Our asylums are probably full of people with names like Watt and Guess. I'm kinda busy writing these columns but somebody should maybe check this out.

Sleep Number

We have one of those older Sleep Number mattresses. Ours was made before they had actual numbers for the different levels of firmness. Ours has just “high” and “low” on the controls. It’s adjustable – you just don’t know how far you’re adjusting it. I would often fall asleep trying to figure out the right firmness. So, when I would hear all the hip people talking about their sleep numbers ("What's your sleep number?"), I would just clam up, ‘cause when I say my setting is “medium high”, people look at me funny, and exclude me from the conversation, ‘cause they didn’t think that a product like that could exist. In a social setting, it might’ve been better just to say we don’t have a sleep number bed rather than having to admit that we bought one without numbers on it. 

Well, we eventually got a new one and now we have that old one in the spare bedroom. I can’t wait to try to sell the old one at a garage sale someday. “OK. You’re saying this is a Sleep Number bed but there are no numbers on it? But you want me to write you a check with numbers on it? Right. How about if I give you $11 for it?” Well, I’ve already prepared a response should that happen: “Hey, at least it’s not one of those really, really old sleep number beds with the Roman Numerals on the controls”. That’ll fix ‘em!

Eye Spy

There used to be a tight end for the Vikings whose nick name was “Eye Chart” because the letter combinations in his name were so obtuse. Well, we used to know a guy who claimed that he had memorized the eye charts that the eye doctors all use. (I know. Get a life, right?) And yet this guy wore glasses. So, perhaps we can deduct that his eyes might have been fine but his memory wasn’t so good.

Well, as you know, I’m all about finding the fun side of things, so if you ever want to have some fun at the eye doctor, try this: when they have you read the eye chart (which of course is just letters) turn it into words or, better yet, sentences. Tell a story. And finish with something like “I can’t read the bottom. The numbers seem smaller”. And when you take the peripheral vision test when you stare straight ahead into the machine and those little lights flash in the corners, instead of clicking the gadget when you see the light, yell out letters. Yeah. That thing would be a useful test if you didn’t have a neck.

And while you’re there sing that "Doctor My Eyes" song by Jackson Browne. They don’t like that song. Nobody does. 

"I Think We can Take Him"

I was in my late 20’s when I was finishing up grad school. For my last class we had to do one of those group projects (you know, the one where the professor typically has no idea that one person did most of the work). My group consisted of four men, and we were all about the same age, and not particularly tough looking. One Sunday afternoon we met at the library to work on the project. There were no meeting rooms available, but we found one with only one kid in it. Our group leader went into the room and asked the kid if we could have it since there were four of us and only one of him. The kid said no. So then the leader guy said, “But we’re grad students.” At that, the kid got irritated and told us to get lost, more or less.

So, the four of us huddled in the hall. Our leader then said something that totally caught me off guard and makes me laugh, even to this day. He said “There’s four of us and only one of him. I think we can take him.” Of course, I didn’t laugh there, thinking he might want to “take” me. We eventually convinced our leader guy that we could meet elsewhere and we ended up working on the project at one of the guys’ nearby apartment. And we all graduated as opposed to going to going to prison for attacking an undergrad.

Looking back though, yeah, I think we could’ve taken him.

What a Fool Believes

April Fools Day (AFD) is fast approaching. One of the unwritten rules on AFD is that you can really only do it with people you know. It really doesn’t work on strangers.  For example, what if you pulled up at a red light next to a lady who was alone in her car except for a couple of dogs in the back seat? You could say “Hey lady! Your kids look like dogs. April Fool!” Chances are pretty good she would be gone before you could say the “April Fool” part, and you’d have to chase her down for that part and things could get awkward. So yeah, don’t try it on strangers. Stick with people you know. 

Practically speaking, AFD can be a useful, meaningful day. For instance, it can be a clever time for you single readers to ask someone out, ‘cause if she or he rejects your offer, you can just say “April Fool”. Very handy. You wash your hands of it at that point as if it never happened. If she or he says yes, you of course do not say “April Fool”. And in the business world, you can ask your boss for a raise or for a couple extra weeks of vacation. When she or he turn you down, you simply say “April Fool” and he or she will forget that you ever asked. The awkwardness is gone. 

So, rather than make April Fools just a time for witty chitchat at the water cooler, use this day as a once a year “ask anything with no consequences” day. You'd be a fool not to.

Code New

I was getting ready for a medical procedure at a brand new Dr’s office facility last week. It was just the second day they had been open. As one of the nurses was trying to start my IV (here we go with the Roman Numerals again), another nurse walked by, looked at the monitor behind me, and yelled out, “Look how big this guy’s numbers are!” Well, these are not the words you typically want to hear, unless you’re at a diving meet or maybe a bowling tournament. So yeah, my whole life flashed before my eyes. I thought I was a goner, maybe the first person to die in this new facility. (You’d think that would make you famous being the first person to die in a new facility, but, I asked and it really doesn’t help unless you’re already famous, in which case you become more famous. I consider myself “known” at this point, and certainly on the road to being famous, but perhaps not quite “famous”.)

Well, it turns out that the big number issue was a problem with the font size on the screen. I informed the nurse that she might want to dig into her Thesaurus and find some better words to use should that event take place again. I suggested calling it a “Code Font”.