Curbside Pickings

I drove slowly past a Chinese restaurant in a strip center at lunch today. I guess I was driving really slow ‘cause a young woman ran out of the restaurant and tried to give me a bag of food. That would have been kind of fun to get a mystery bag of food. Most likely I wouldn’t have been able to identify what it was but I’d want to know what it was so I could order it later. So I would have had to call the restaurant to find out what it was and then they would know it was me who took it. Then they’d have my number in their phone and they’d blacklist me and I wouldn’t be able to order food from there. Bummer.

Regardless, if this happens to you, and you “accept” the food, don’t try to do this more than once unless you have multiple vehicles.   

Flash Light

Do you get emails advertising the military flashlight? I get those sometimes – I’m not sure why. Is this some pre-draft thing? (Am I gonna get drafted?) While I can agree that you can never have too many flashlights around the house (you never know when “the big one” might hit), why a military flashlight? Is it multi-functional like the Swiss Army knife with the screw driver and nail file and tooth brush and all that? (Those need to have thermometers by the way…)

Is it camouflaged? That’s no good. I’ll never be able to find it. (OK, yeah, I could find it if it was turned on.) Is this flashlight what they start you on in boot camp? “Before we get to the artillery portion of your training, you first have to show us that you can handle this flashlight.”

The ad says I can pay for it by making 3 easy monthly payments. Seeing those terms is always a good sign. It means that they think the product is going to function for at least three months…

Hey Covid-19

Is the number 19 forever tarnished? Let’s take a look at some 19 related topics and see:

•  Product 19. America’s favorite cereal number (get it?). Kelloggs discontinued this product in 2016 so there’s no real Covid effect. Total was better.
• Hey 19 (song) by Steely Dan. Not one of their stronger efforts. I’ve not heard this on the radio in months. It is likely doomed. Rikki’s gonna lose that number.  
• The 19^th hole. Where you go to drink after shooting 18 holes. I think this stays. Having that little “th” after the number obscures it enough.
• The 19^th century. There’s those little letters again. Covid-19 is bad but I don’t think you can penalize a whole century for it.
• The 1919 Black Sox – Haven’t they already been punished enough? Say it ain’t so, Joe.
• The 19^th president, Rutherford B. Hayes – Meh.

This does not give you readers the right to topple any statues of President Hayes. Or Steely Dan.

100.4

I walked into a business last week and they took my temperature with that camera looking thing. I felt a bit violated and wanted to call out, “Hey! Give it back! My temperature!”

Speaking of temperatures, I think I’ve figured out what I want to do when I retire. I want to be the guy at the fair who guesses your temperature. Wouldn’t that be cool (no pun intended)? The winners would get a stuffed animal and the losers could get a thermometer with some advertising on it.

Or I could do “Guess Your Blood Type”. In order to compete they’d have to give a pint of blood which I could sell to the Red Cross. That would cover the cost of the stuffed toys and still leave me a little tip money.

These ideas replace my Drive-through Salad Bar idea which has pretty much been trashed by COVID. Can I get government bail-out money for a business I hadn't quite got around to starting?

Take the Skinheads Bowling

With all the closures, we’re all looking for some encouragement, aren’t we? Well, a while back one of the governors announced that restaurants, bars, malls and bowling alleys would be re-opening. Congratulations to bowling alleys for making that list. I would not have put bowling up there with the other three. I mean, you just don’t hear conversations like, “How’s the economy?” “Well, the bowling alleys are open.” No. That does not happen. Regardless, bowling made the list. Maybe bowling is an economic leading indicator.

I imagine they're using every other lane to meet the spacing requirements. But what if you're like me, and sometimes your ball goes in the wrong lane? What then?

Lost in Translation

We’re living in crazy times, aren’t we? We hear of statues being toppled, not just in the United States, but all over the world. For some reason, I was reminded recently of the statue of Freddie Mercury in Montreux, Switzerland on the shore of beautiful Lake Geneva. I have always wondered why there is a statue of Freddie Mercury in Switzerland, haven’t you?

Well, I think I’ve got it figured out. There are four official languages in Switzerland. So yeah, I think when the statue was commissioned, it was supposed to be a statue of the queen. (I’m guessing Switzerland must have had a queen at some point in its history.) Instead, due to a translation error, the sculptor thought it read, “The lead singer of the rock group Queen”. Yeah, that’s gotta be it.  

They probably have a statue of Prince over there somewhere too I bet.