The Knife Sharpener Truck

Today a friend and I were discussing knife sharpening trucks. Yeah, back before there were electric knives there was this guy who drove through your neighborhood and moms brought out the knives to his truck for sharpening. Not a bad way to make a living. I suppose with all those knives maybe he got robbed once in a while…

I only knew about knife sharpening trucks ‘cause I had this ABC Truck book when I was a kid and I’ve now passed it along to my kids. There was a different truck for each letter of the alphabet. So yeah, apparently the only truck they could come up with that started with “K” was the good old knife sharpener truck. I somehow learned my consonant sounds despite having a favorite book that used the word “Knife” to teach me the “K” sound...

I’m not complaining. I loved that book. Hey, if phonics can start with a “P”, I think it’s OK for knife sharpener truck to start with a “K”.

The Shield

I love bacon. But it’s a mess to prepare it, isn’t it? Yeah, you can microwave it (meh), but for best results you really gotta fry it. It’s best not to wear clothes you care about when you fry it, because eventually you’re gonna get splattered with hot grease. My kids grew up hearing their father yell “I’m hit!” when frying bacon.

Well, we now have a brand new kitchen. I’ve not fixed bacon in it yet and I’m not anxious to get grease all over the new counter tops. But we have all kinds of empty cardboard boxes around from the construction project. So I’ve been thinking: What about creating a cardboard shield for protecting the kitchen as well as the chef from splattering bacon grease? This shield would consist of a folded sheet of cardboard which would cover the open area on each side of the stove and come around the front as well. The shield would have arm holes for the chef as well as holes for the eyes.

The shield would preserve your clothes, eliminate the painful second degree burns, and keep your counter tops and floor clean. The TV commercial would show the “before” scenario (burn unit looking guy wearing old clothes yelling “I’m hit!”) and the “after” scenario (whistling guy with no burns wearing a suit using the shield). I think this would sell like, well, hot cakes.  

Prison Fare

Our sheriff has announced a new dietary program at our county jail. When he took office, each prisoner got a hot breakfast. You know, pancakes, waffles, bacon, that type of thing. Realizing they were eating better in jail than he was eating at home, the sheriff cut the hot breakfast out the budget. Now they get cereal. Next, he cut back the variety of dinners from 31 different meals a month to 7. All those varieties cost money. (And which ones would you eliminate in February?) When you’re talking 31 different meals a month, you’re getting into eggplant Parmesan and stuffed peppers and stuff like that, aren’t you? I mean, this was the Baskin and Robbins of prisons! Next, he cut out the purchasing of any fresh fruits and vegetables and he started a garden so the prisoners could grow their own produce. Good luck if it doesn’t rain, boys! Next, he eliminated beef from the menu. Now his goal is to cut back to two meals a day. He’s found a state law somewhere that allows for that. Way to save money for the taxpayers, sheriff! 

For his next step, I’d like to see him publish the weekly menu in the local paper like schools do. Put the same list in every week. This would be further incentive for people to be decent, law abiding citizens.

Spree

In the hustle of the Halloween rush I ran across some Spree candy today. I enjoy an occasional Spree. My daughter loves Spree. It’s a chewy tart candy with real fruit flavor. You can’t eat just one. So you try to eat just one of each color. But you can’t stop there either. Good stuff. My problem with Spree is the word “Spree”. Do we really need to be creating product names that are the same word plural that they are when they’re singular? As in, “Can I have a Spree?” and “You’ve had too many Spree!” The English language is hard enough already without intentionally adding “trick” words like this to it.

Yeah, I know. You’re saying “What about taffy? There’s no “s” in the plural form of taffy.” Good question. But taffy is grandfathered in. It’s been around long enough to do whatever it wants. Yeah. I’m OK with taffy.

Rock, Paper Scissorhands

We needed a new electric knife this year so my wife ordered one from Amazon. It turns out that you cannot order just one knife. You have to order two. Now what am I gonna do with two electric knives? We hardly ever use one - it’s not like we use it to spread peanut butter around. Is there some group of people out there who maybe use an electric knife in each hand at the same time? Kind of an Edward Scissorhands look? I’m guessing that maybe there is. I might try it at Thanksgiving this year. Cut white meat and dark meat at the same time. I’ve got three weeks to practice.

So yeah. On Thanksgiving we’ll have the parade in the morning, the Lions’ game in the afternoon and now Uncle Tommy’s dueling electric knives at noon. Come early for a good seat!

Halloween A La Carte

I saw a golf cart carrying around parents following their kids trick or treating this year. Really? Is it that hard to keep up with the little kids with their little legs? C’mon. Then there’re the parents who drive their kids from house to house in their SUV’s, endangering things for everybody. Is walking really that hard? These folks don’t seem to have a problem walking their dogs. As a result many families have thin dogs and obese children. It doesn’t take a genius to figure this stuff out…

People worry too much nowadays about their kids at Halloween. We somehow forget that, yes, even if the kids get lost, they're carrying enough food to nourish themselves for months...