Uncle's Got a Brand New Bag

We were walking out of the hospital recently and noticed that they have tear off rain hoods to use. Wow, what a nice touch, I thought. Who wants to get rained on when they’re just getting out of the hospital? But then I looked closer at the hoods. These “hoods” were nothing more than giant versions of the tear off produce bags they have at your local supermarket. Seemed pretty dangerous to me – what if the bag slips down over your face? I guess they figure you’re already at the hospital if something goes wrong…

I was at the grocery recently and saw a guy putting his bananas in one of those produce bags. Really? Bananas? Yeah, let’s put our canned goods in individual plastic bags too…

Have you seen the produce bags at Costco (where I’m a member)? No, I haven’t either but I bet they’re full size garbage can bags. Or tear off dry cleaner bags maybe…

Turnpike of the Future

We were on the turnpike yesterday going into Pennsylvania. The sign at the tollgate says “Cash Only” but you can use a debit card if you want. They just don’t tell you. (I had to ask.) The debit card takes longer to process and the cars pile up behind you and the toll dude gets mad. But I didn’t want to use my cash so it was what it was. I may have gone too far though when I asked the toll dude if he could give me “cash back” when I paid my toll. I told him I thought that’d be a nice way to promote people spending money in Pennsylvania. He just raised the gate and motioned for me to go ahead. But I could tell from his facial expression that he knew I was on to something and that it would probably come to fruition in the not too distant future.

Knowing the future is not all about bringing joy to people. Some people hate the future.

Show Off at the Gym

We ate at a nice restaurant the other day and could look out the windows and see the nearby gym. The gym had huge windows and you could see people working out inside. I think seeing these people work out made me order less food at the restaurant. We did not get dessert. I’m not sure that these two businesses complement each other very much…

Some people evidently prefer these gyms with the large windows so people can watch them working out from the outside. I bet you have to be approved to work out in front of the windows. You never see the sweaty fat guy with the gray sweat pants in the window...

Aren’t these people in the windows like that one monkey at the zoo who draws the huge crowds ‘cause he plays to the crowd? The other monkeys pretty much hate that monkey, don’t they? 

Makin' the Crime Scene

Some people read the comics. I say, “Why do we need comics in the paper when we can read about real life?” Today I read the crime report in the paper. The very first one listed was a guy whose house had been broken into. The only item stolen was deodorant. That’s what it said. I’m not making this up. Uncle Tommy doesn’t do that. So, yeah, we know that nobody’s gonna break into a house just to steal deodorant, right?  

Well, here’s what I think happened. Some guy thinks his girlfriend dumped him ‘cause he smelled bad. So he faked a break-in at his own house, to make her think that his deodorant had been stolen. It’s gotta be that, doesn’t it? It doesn’t take a genius to figure this stuff out…

I’ll ask the sheriff tomorrow at Rotary.  

Dog Phriendly Pharmacists

Have you ever gotten a prescription filled for your dog at the pharmacy and when you tried to pay for it  you found out it was free? No charge. Nada.  How’s that work? Do dogs get the expired medicine? Do they get the orders people never pick up? Do they get the experimental drugs that the FDA hasn’t signed off on yet? (“I don’t know if I like it or not. Why don’t you try it out on somebody’s dog?”)

Next time you buy dog food at the supermarket, try to pay for it at the pharmacy cashier and ask if maybe they can give that to you for free too. I would if I had a pet. And get one of those dog sweaters too. Winter is coming.

Corn Beef

I just found out that when you buy corn on the cob at our local supermarket, the cashier counts your ears even when you tell him or her how many you have. That's a new policy. They used to just ask you, “Is this a dozen?”, or “Is this eight?”. Now they count it in front of you, all serious like. Like prisoners in the joint counting cigarettes. C’mon. Is there no trust left in this country? It’s just corn, man! What’s the big deal? From now on, I’m always gonna tell them it’s one more than it really is, and we’ll see how honest they are when they find out it’s only seven when I told them it was eight. The test will be on them. See how they like it. I’ll stand there with my arms crossed with one brow raised…

This is what we’ve become in this country…