Fed-Ex(ception)

‘Tis the season of packages being delivered to our doors, isn’t it. They get delivered by Fed-Ex, UPS, and even the post office. Sometimes the mailman puts the package in the mail box out by the street. They have done this occasionally at our house on Sundays. Of course we’re not accustomed to looking for mail on Sunday, so that package may sit out there for a day.

Lately, the post office has been delivering the package right to our door. So maybe that problem is solved. Now if we could just get the mailman to grab the newspaper in the adjacent box and bring that to the door with the package…is that asking too much? It’s not like I’m asking him to bring milk or eggs…

Feels like a Number

Anybody out there ever painted one of those Paint By Number kits? The kits were great. They included the brush, the paint and the canvas with the numbers on it. Each color had a number and you painted that color in the areas where that number was. There was no blending of colors. The result was a distinct work of art. And yeah, you would hang them around your house, ‘cause it was the baby boom, and there were so many people and not enough art. And you could claim that the art was not a Paint By Number, that you did it yourself, but everybody knew it was a paint by number ‘cause they all had the kits.

But who’s to say that Rembrandt and Van Gogh and guys like that didn’t use Paint By Number? Do we really know? Has anybody ever scraped back the paint on their paintings to see if there was a maybe a number back there? I bet there was Paint by Roman numeral…

The White Stuff

We had an early first snow. No one was ready. The robins hadn’t left yet. The rabbits are still brown. The leaves haven’t leaft. I didn’t have my snow blower ready…

I did the same thing I always do with the snow blower: Fuel, prime, choke and pull. And pull. And pull. Then I go get something to eat, come back and pull some more and eventually it starts. Now my right arm is two inches longer than my left. It will take a few days for it to suck back in…

When the snow’s coming everybody goes to the store and gets three things: milk, eggs and bread. Why do we all eat French Toast when it snows?

Late Snap

Have you ever watched the beginning of an NFL game where between plays in the first series they play a recording of each of the players introducing themselves? After a tackle, 11 players state their name, their position and where they went to school. And there’s always the guy who says “Theeee Ohio State University” really slow. And there’s always one guy (never the quarterback) who only went to high school. But you’re too nervous to listen to any of the introductions ‘cause you’re worried that they can’t possibly get all eleven intros done before the ball is snapped. However, like that dream when you’re falling and you never hit the ground, the ball is never snapped before the final introduction is made. Never. How is this possible?

I guess I’d be less nervous in 8 man football…

Nice Day for a White Wig

Next week I might be on jury duty. So I’ve been watching some Law & Order reruns and I’ve learned quite a bit about our judicial system. Here’s what I’ve learned:

• The jurists get the box seats. I like that.
• The jurists apparently do not typically wear the white wigs like Washington and Adams wore. Did those wigs go out of style all at once, or did it happen gradually over time? If the latter, who was the last guy to wear the white wig? Did Ruth Bader Ginsberg wear the white wig when she was first coming up through the ranks? If I show up in a white wig, I bet they make me foreman of the jury…
• The jurists do not get to yell “I object”.  There is one exception to this apparently. You can yell that during the jury selection process if you don’t want to be on the jury.

Long Day's Journey into Night

Today’s the day we get to add the hour. It’s the longest day of the year. You likely showed up an hour early for church today. Or maybe you, like me, woke up this morning and wondered how you got transported to Newfoundland or Bermuda or some eastern time zone…

So now it will be lighter in the morning; the kids will get on the right bus – no more free rides downtown, kids! But it will get dark even earlier now. C’mon, the days were already getting shorter, man. This is a jolt… 

You’ll be able to tell which of your co-workers have absolutely no life: those will be the ones who show up for work an hour early on Monday…

Make sure you don’t use phrases like 24/7 this week…