Best in the Long Run

Marathon Oil gets free advertising whenever there’s a Marathon race. Undoubtedly, people fill up their tank after running in or watching a Marathon. We all do it. This free advertising gives Marathon an unfair competitive advantage. Our thought here at Uncle Tommy is to allow other corporations the opportunity to sponsor other races of various lengths. Some suggestions would be:

• 6 mile race sponsored by Motel 6. There would be a light to run toward at the end.
• 57 mile race sponsored by Heinz. (“You’d better “catch up,”” people would yell...)
• 7, 11 or perhaps 18 mile race sponsored by 7/11
• 401 Kilometer race sponsored by Fidelity (this one might be for cars or something)
• 22 mile race sponsored by Smith and Wesson. (Instead of a gun going off at the beginning of the race a gun would go off each time a runner finishes).
• Seventeen mile race sponsored by the magazine
• 4 mile race sponsored by an IV company
• 24 mile race sponsored by Kiefer Sutherland
• 19 mile race sponsored by Moderna. The volunteers for the 19 mile race would be known as “Boosters”.  

I think it’s worth a shot.

 

Who's on First after a Bundt?

Have you heard of these food deserts? No, it’s not the sweet item you eat after your meal. It’s not pudding. Not jello. Not cookie. That would be a food dessert. A “food” dessert, as a type of dessert, might differ from a coffee dessert or an after dinner cocktail. But yeah, a food desert is an urban area with no grocery store with affordable or fresh food. People who live in these “deserts” can’t get fresh food.  That’s not healthy.

Due to the similarity and resulting confusion between the words desert and dessert, I would have chosen a phrase other than food desert for these areas. I bet some people who go to meetings about food deserts expect cooking demonstrations involving cobblers or Bundt cakes and maybe some samples. That’s gotta be disappointing when they find out the meetings are about the absence of food.

We need to find a way for these desert people to desert the desert for a place where they can get some dessert…    

 

Getting Nosey

I hear ads for the Navage Nasal Irrigation System on the radio every day.  The ads tell us that your nose blocks germs from “invading” your body, that the nose is “the body’s natural air filter for trapping allergens, dirt and viruses”. Apparently Navage flushes out the nose and restores free breathing, prevents snoring, and promotes deeper sleep.

I’m not trying to be difficult, but, if my nose gets cleaned out, doesn’t that leave it open for the germs to invade? Wouldn’t it be better if my nose was clogged, and thus preventing germs from invading my body? Isn’t that what I want?

Or do you leave one nostril open as an exit for those germs that got in?

 

Beard

I’m thinking of growing a beard. Just for kicks – no real reason. I’m not looking to hide a new tattoo or anything. I’m sure there’s a joke out there somewhere where a guy wakes up in the tattoo chair and looks in the mirror and says, “No!!! When I said I wanted it on the cheek, I didn’t mean my face!” (I’m thinking that there must be tattoo chairs…)

I think it would be easier to grow a beard when you’re away somewhere. Like, if you went to prison, it would be a good time to grow a beard. I’m guessing razors are hard to find in the joint. I just hope that when people see me with a beard that they won’t think I’ve been in prison…

I’m thinking that I won’t like it at first but that it will start to “grow” on me eventually… 

 

Land Ho!

I am returning from a refreshing boating vacation. It was great. But adjusting back to normal life is hard. Here are a few things to look out for when making that adjustment:

• Don’t put a life jacket on before you get in your car.
• You don’t need the floating key ring for your car keys
• You typically don’t need to dry off your seat before you get into the car.
• Unlike boating, you don’t need to wave at every car going by
• You don’t need to check the wind before you pull into your driveway
• There’s no need to tie your car to your garage.

If you really miss boating you can pull a skate boarder around your neighborhood behind your car. Strangely, you don’t need a spotter for this. I verified that with the sheriff at Rotary.

 

Out of Office Mess

Do you have co-workers or business associates who put the following message on their email or voicemail message: "I am out of the office through September 11th and will not have access to email..." Wait! What? Are you kidding me? This is 2021. Do those no reception geographic zones still exist? I don't think so. If you're gonna put that in your out of office message you might as well just say you're gonna be vacationing in Shangri-La. Or Atlantis. Brigadoon. Someplace like that.

I'm not unrealistic about this. I have no problem if Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin put that in their out of office message.

Having said that, I'm going on vacation. I'll be back in mid-September with new material. If you need a fix while I'm gone, read one of the old ones. There's 600 of 'em. You readers can be pretty demanding and I need a break.