Spruce

Bruce Springsteen is everywhere these days. I keep seeing ads for him. He acts pretty tough, doesn’t he? Looking back over his career, if I was him, I would have changed a couple of things to toughen my image:

•          His first name – Bruce? That name doesn’t sound so tough. I never knew of a big time wrestler (or any tough guy) named Bruce, did you? There was no Bruce in West Side Story. No Bruce in The Outsiders. Bruce is a golf name.
•          On Born to Run, he needed to change the lyric to, “Baby we WAS born to run.” That sounds way tougher. Using correct English sounds lame.
•          I never studied his face but I bet he needs more scars. Maybe some acne.
•          He needs to have driven a cab, tended bar, stopped dying his hair.
•          He needs to have spent some time in the joint.

Oh, you say he’s trashed a few motel rooms and that makes him tough? It appears we all do that since the maids stopped coming in every day…

 

Canada Won the War of 1812?

Doesn’t that phrase sound like it should be sung to the tune of “Joshua Fought the Battle of Jericho”? Canada won the war of 1812, 1812, 1812…. But yeah, we’ve got a guy in town who thinks Canada did indeed win the War of 1812. He’s Canadian. And I kinda see where he’s coming from, to a point. He says that, had the United States won the War of 1812, we would control all of Canada, or at least Quebec and Ontario.

My primary problem with his argument is that Canada did not become independent until 1867, 55 years AFTER the war. So, like, they probably didn’t win the War of 1812. Yeah.

I guess that’s why the song hasn’t caught on.

 

Cut Corner Dental

Do any of you folks go to Corner Dental? I get the name. Yeah. They’re supposed to be like the family dentist office down on the corner where your Grandma went as a kid. Well, they’re not on the corner. They’re located in strip centers. Top notch strip centers. But they’re not even on the corner of the strip center. I’m told they like to up charge, selling you services you don’t need. Ouch!

Back in the 20^th century, the dentists took a different direction. Rather than charge you for work you didn’t need, they did the work you needed but tried to cut corners on the cost. I had a cavity once back in ‘81, and the dentist just started drilling. No Novocain. No mention of it. When I asked him about it afterwards, he said, “You didn’t want to go back work numb, did you?” Hmmm…   

Friday was Veteran’s Day. Thanks to those who served. I bet there was no Novocain in the army back in the 20^th century. Those drill sergeants just had at it.

 

Pet Sounds

They have started playing Christmas music on the radio. Have you noticed? They start out with the more secular seasonal tunes like “Happy Holidays”, “Let it Snow”, and maybe “Frosty”. But before you know it, they’re playing the hardcore stuff.

They sneak these tunes in right after the time change. Have you noticed?  They know we’re all discombobulated for a while after the time change, and, by the time we snap out of our discombobulation, there are the Christmas tunes. Happens every year. I turned on the radio this morning trying to get election results and got nothing but Christmas music.  

Whatever happened to that dogs barking “Jingle Bells” record?  I always enjoyed that. Those guys should tour.  

 

Time Out for a Measurement

Our granddaughter had her one year checkup last week. She has really grown! I asked my son how big she was. (You can ask about a woman’s weight right up to about age one but I wouldn’t go beyond that.) The doctor’s office measured her weight in lbs but measured her height in cm. What in the world is up with that?  

I can see using the lb/metric measurement mix if you live near the Canadian border in say, Niagara Falls, or Sault Ste. Marie. Or if you live in El Paso I have no problem with the measurement mix. Same thing if you live in Juarez on the other side of the border. Or Windsor. But no, my son and his family do not live near a border. So yeah, wake up, man! Can we use inches here in the states please?

Speaking of Sault Ste Marie, who would win a fight between actress Eva Marie Saint and singer Buffy Sainte-Marie? No, I don’t know their weights…    

 

Goofball

I’ve got a friend who always refers to Jack Nicklaus as Jack Nicholson. Yeah, the names are similar, but those are two pretty distinct individuals. To my friend’s defense, I think the word Nicholson (for him) might be some weird combination of golfers Nicklaus and Phil Mickelson. That’s got to be it, although Phil is left handed and Jack is a righty.

What if you accidentally invited Nicholson instead of Nicklaus to your golf fund raiser? Would Nicholson:

·         Yell “Heeeeeere’s Johnny!!” before every shot?

·         Would he, when his ball was in the rough, and his partner’s ball was in the fairway, yell out “You can’t handle the rough!!”?

The outing would need to be videoed and the resulting documentary would of course need to be called “One Golf Ball Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”.

Hey, it doesn’t take a genius to figure this stuff out.