The Jerry is Still Out

Labor Day is fast approaching.  It’s late this year so don't forget it and go to work. I’ve never watched the Labor Day Jerry Lewis Telethon but I’m sure I would have sent them money if I had watched it. This was gonna be the year for me to watch part of it at least. I was gonna watch it while I studied for my football draft. Now I hear the Telethon is cancelled and that Jerry wasn’t even on it the past few years. Nobody told me. No one. This better not affect my draft!

Nothing against Jerry, but what if all these years the telethon would have been hosted by the other Jerry Lewis, Jerry Lee Lewis? Whoah! How could you not have tuned in? Can you imagine how much money they would have collected? On second thought though, how could a guy nick named “The Killer” host a fundraiser to cure a disease? I guess that’s why they had Jerry Lewis host and not Jerry Lee Lewis.  

Maybe “The Killer” could host one of those documentaries during Shark Week instead.  That seems more appropriate. Call it “Come on over Baby, Whole Lotta Sharkin’ Goin’ on” or something. Yeah.  

Second Opinion

Once in a boring meeting I looked at the clock on the wall and I thought of this:  A clock has three hands, right? The big hand, the little hand, and the second hand. Wait. What? How can the third hand be the second hand? How confusing! The second hand really needs to be the “third” hand, doesn't it? So then, should seconds become thirds, as in “Hey, wait a third”? I don’t know how I ever learned how to tell time. On a recent prison visit I attempted to teach a young man how to tell time. We finally ended up busting the second hand off the clock to make it easier for him. He’s now punctual to all his activities. 

Your Uncle Tommy has used the above “three hands” demonstration many times when running a meeting and people come in late. An even better application may be to use it yourself when you come late to a meeting. It’s not without risk, but it can lighten the mood and allow you to convert the embarrassing moment of being late to the victorious moment of becoming the funny person of the group. Feel free to run with it. I probably wouldn’t use it more than once with the same group. 

It also can be extremely handy after one of those nasty time changes.

Automatic Flush Part I (One)

When I was young, my elementary school’s boys’ room toilets and urinals had automatic flushes every 15 minutes, whether anybody went into the rest room or not. Apparently some kid had “over flushed” or somehow abused the toilets, so we weren’t allowed to flush manually. (I’m guessing this kid may not have had working indoor plumbing at home perhaps.) Problem was, our class would line up and all go into the rest room at the same time, as was the practice in elementary school, at least back then. So, the every 15 minute flush really didn’t work so well. Having said that, I have to admit it’s pretty impressive that way back then the toilets were set up for automatic flushes. I still remember walking down the hall and all of a sudden hearing this massive flow of water and saying  to myself, “Hmm. Must be quarter of”, or perhaps, “I wonder if this is the year my family goes to Niagara Falls.”

Nowadays, of course, automatic flush is more sophisticated and it’s set up individually by stall or urinal. Part of my ongoing weight loss goal is to get so thin that I’m not recognized by automatic flush. So far, automatic flush is winning. There will likely be one day where I think I’ve finally won, but then all the toilets will flush at a quarter of.    

Gum Shoe

We likely would all agree that people do not treat each other with the level of common courtesy that used to exist in this society. So, in an effort to brighten the outlook of my many readers, I have attempted to find the rare positive out there – some aspect of society where we actually have improved how we treat each other.  Keeping that in mind, it struck me yesterday that it’s been quite a long time since I’ve stepped in gum. Years, maybe decades.  It just never happens anymore, and I have to say I do not miss it. Who can forget the heartbreak when you first notice the smell of something sweet emanating from your feet?  And then to think that the crud on your shoe had been in someone’s mouth! Spearmint gum was the worst for me – I still won’t chew it due to how many times I had to scrape it from my shoe. I mean, what person would not prefer to choose their own smell rather than carrying around someone's used gum on their shoe?

For whatever reason, gum chewers are now more likely to dispose of gum properly. I applaud whoever led the charge to get this horrid practice out of our society. Was this a Miss America project I missed? 

War Reenactment (What is it Good For?)

We have a restored War of 1812 military fort near our house. Per my recent conversation with an esteemed grad student at a large Midwest university, the place is highly regarded as a historic site.  A number of war reenactments are held there. These stray from the 1812 era; they have reenactments there ranging back over 1000 years. The reenactment concept often strikes me as funny when I drive by the fort. I picture them catapulting water balloons. Or, I imagine the conversations during some fake shooting skirmishes: “Um, that one got you, man.” “It most certainly did not. I got you.”  Eventually, a fist fight breaks out between the two and they have to stop the war reenactment to separate them…

One Saturday I stopped into our local grocery store and there was a guy in there dressed in Dark Ages battle attire asking where he could find some lighter fluid. Don’t get me wrong – I like hot dogs and marshmallows as much as the next guy, but if you’re truly reenacting the Battle of Hastings (1066), should you really have the advantage of lighter fluid?   Flint and steel would seem more appropriate.  

General Sherman said war is Hell. So no, I’m not in favor of reenacting Hell. As an alternative, I have started a Treaty Signing Reenactment group. It won’t likely be as exciting as war reenactments, but there will be less fake deaths and less arguing and fighting, and we'll still get to wear the outfits. And we’re gonna have some cool pens. If you should happen to see me in costume at the grocery store, it's probably because I'm purchasing lighter fluid for the peace pipe.