St. Louis Golden Arch

It would be awesome to own a McDonald’s franchise in St. Louis. When I approach the city from the east, crossing the Mississippi, and I see that giant arch, I always have to stop a couple times for Big Macs. There must not be many thin people in St Louis. I suppose maybe you get used to it over time… 

Like many families, our family toured the St. Louis arch when our kids were young. We went there with my in-laws. When you get there, the attendants put you in these tight little roller coaster-like cars inside the structure and take you up to the top of the arch on a rail. It’s a fun ride. Kind of like going into a coal mine except you’re going up. If you haven’t been there, I’ve got news for you. It’s a great view at the top, but there’s no McDonald’s up there. Perhaps I was presumptuous to assume it was a McDonald’s Playland attraction, but it was a major letdown for me when we got up there. No McDonald’s.  

I’ve been doing some research and apparently there’s no connection between the arch and McDonald’s. I really don’t get it. Who in their right mind would build an arch that big and not have it be a McDonald’s?

Macho Poncho

We’ve recently ruled here at Uncle Tommy that a poncho by itself cannot be a Halloween costume. Since releasing that post (See “Halloween Etiquette” October 4^th) we’ve received a number of questions regarding the poncho. Questions included: How do I wear it? Do they come with a lining? Do they make them for guys? Well, the poncho appears to be popular this year – they’re featured in a number of ads I’ve seen, and, as the weather cools, I anticipate seeing many ponchos being worn out on the town, mostly by women. I love a good poncho. One size fits all. You never have to take a poncho to the tailor for letting out the waist. That’s my kind of garment. Never needs ironing. The male (yes!) ponchos I’ve seen are more of the rustic variety – many of the ads feature a man wearing a poncho and holding a rifle of some sort. Pretty rough crowd, these Poncho people. Perhaps the thought is that a man in a poncho is more likely to be attacked.  Or maybe the ads are demonstrating that it’s easier to get to your “piece” if you don’t have sleeves to slow you down. 

I found an ad for one poncho that could be converted into a tent. That gave me an idea. Since I really can’t afford a poncho, and since I already have a tent, do you think I could just wear my tent as a poncho?  Let us know your thoughts here at Uncle Tommy. Thanks.

Corn Maze and Blue

Driving along the freeway in Michigan today I noticed a corn maze. Those mazes are fun – they make me feel like a little hamster. I only thought of this recently, but, in Michigan, shouldn’t they be called “Corn Maizes”? And isn’t the concept of a Corn Maze a bit redundant? I mean, corn is maize, right?  Kinda like my old friend Rex King. His parents may not have known that Rex means king in Latin. Or maybe they did. Rex was not on my Latin Club basketball team (see "Shorts Story" July 3rd).  Neither were his parents.

Regardless, seeing this corn maze gave me a couple of ideas for improving the maze business:

1. Why not enhance the maze concept and make it a “Pick Your Own” Corn Maze. Give each kid a bushel basket and turn ‘em loose.  Whoever brings back the most corn gets to do it again.
2. In those states where it’s legal, how about a “Pick Your Own” marijuana maze? (See "Marijuana Groupon" Sept 23rd.) Sure, the marijuana won’t grow very high, but these stoners are probably gonna get lost anyway.

As always here at Uncle Tommy, feel free to take these ideas and run with them.  Just don’t get lost.

Halloween Etiquette

Halloween is approaching and I hope you’re ready. Each year I try to address a different aspect of Halloween Etiquette. This year’s topic addresses the question of when is a child too old to trick or treat. As you prepare for the annual parade of young people coming to your front door, your “ineligible for treat” list should address the following:

•         Old Bald guys- too old. We are ineligible.
•         Smokers – ineligible unless they’re dressed as John Boehner which I would find clever. Give an extra treat if they cry for you.
•         Pregnant women – You’re on your own on this one. Some say a pregnant woman is too old to trick or treat. Others say give her double since she is “eating for two”.  There are all kinds of complications here like, what if I give her a Snickers or a Reese and it turns out the baby has a peanut allergy? For this reason, I keep some jars of baby food on hand in case a pregnant woman comes to my door. Get Gerbers Pumpkin if you can find it.  
•         Pregnant women smokers - Ineligible
•         Men with beards –Ineligible if real. Give it a tug. But get permission before you tug. 
•         Bearded smokers – Ineligible.
•         Double ringers. Those who ring the doorbell twice are ineligible. Greet them with a smile and tell them what they’ve done. Then, ask them to try it again.

Oh. And remember the poncho rule. If it’s raining, ask to make sure there’s a costume under the poncho. A poncho by itself is not a costume.  

Boxing Day

I was waiting for a pizza the other day at a local establishment after work. One of their big-screen TV’s was showing a boxing match. It seemed unusual to me to see boxing on TV at 6PM on a weeknight. I would have expected a highlight show, or maybe the Cubs game. Regardless, these two guys were boxing, and one boxer was wearing boxers (as you would expect) but the other boxer was wearing briefs. The guy with the boxers won the fight, which was no surprise. What was the other guy thinking, wearing those briefs (and shouldn’t they be brieves?)? Surely, the name “boxers” would indicate that boxers would be worn for boxing. Seems pretty clear to me. Was this young man a recent recruit from the swim team, filling in for one of the boxers? Did he just forget his gym bag, or did he maybe just forget to look in the mirror before he left the locker room? He looked like the underwear model from the old JC Penney catalog except he was in color. 

If I ever write a boxing blog it will be called “Boxer Briefs”.