Bun Fun

So yeah, on the fourth of July, this woman ate 48 hot dogs in the Hot Dog Eating Contest. The old record was 41. And Joey Chestnut (I love that name!) ate 71. That’s a lot of dogs. I would like to be able to eat my age in hot dogs…

But, folks, why do we stop there? We’ve seen this contest for a few years now and it’s fun but I think it needs to be expanded. Besides, Joey always wins – it needs to be tougher. And ESPN has no sports to cover now. Let’s give them something! I’m proposing the Hot Dog Triathlon. First, eat the hot dogs, then swim for a mile and finish with a half marathon.

They could show it commercial free – sort of. All the commercials would be crammed into the 20 minutes between the eating and the swimming.   

Chick Post

Everybody’s removing anything they can find relating to the confederacy. Statues are being toppled. The Dixie Chicks (I guess they’re still around) are now just “The Chicks”. I’m sure some find the word “Chicks” offensive as well. I bet pretty soon the group will be known simply as “The”.

Well, I’m worried about Dixie Cups. When I’m at the dentist and it’s time to swish, that’s what I reach for. There’s no washing, no drying – you just throw them away! And never think about them again. Did you ever have the Dixie Cup dispenser in your bathroom? I can’t remember if we did but those things were cool. I’m gonna miss ‘em.

Somewhere, I bet Dick Cheney is saying, “That’s OK. You can call me Dick C.” 

"It's me, Tommy"

When I’m wearing my mask at work, I always tell people who I am. While this may get old with some coworkers, I think it’s a safe and polite thing to do. It removes any fear or guesswork on their part. I don’t do this with my wife, but I rarely wear a mask at home. If you do wear a mask at home, don’t forget to tell your pets who you are. And whatever you do, don’t switch masks…

To alleviate the awkwardness of always having to tell people who you are when wearing a mask, I’ve invented the Name Mask. You guessed it - your name goes right over your mouth. Problem solved!

Bonus: Have you ever noticed how awkward the word “awkward” is? A “w” before AND after the “k”! Wild! Do you think that was intentional? Is there such thing as Onomatopoeia for a word’s appearance?

Open Up!

Things are, or at least they were, opening up somewhat. I saw my first ice cream truck last week. Sure enough, the truck played the song “Turkey in the Straw”. That’s been the tune the truck played pretty much my whole life. While there’s nothing wrong with “Turkey in the Straw”, shouldn’t the Ice Cream Man play something that’s more dessert oriented instead of concentrating on the main course?

But yeah, the Ice Cream Man was coming by our house just when I was opening our garage door to go out and get the mail. He stopped ‘cause he thought I was coming out to buy something. I hate it when that happens...

It was a warm day and my bomb pop melted all over my wife’s catalogues…

Droning On

We’ve got tension all over this summer. And technically it’s barely even summer. There have been near-riots in multiple cities around the country. Very sad. Meanwhile, I read that Harry (who still has no last name) and Megan are out in California and have had to call the police because they’ve had drones fly over their house a few times. Really? 

If I’m that dispatcher receiving that call to the police the conversation would go something like this:

Caller – “We’ve got drones flying over our house”

Dispatcher – “Your name please?”

Caller – “Harry.”

Dispatcher – “Your last name, sir?”

Caller – “Um, I don’t have one.”

Dispatcher – (Click)

If you want police protection I don’t think it’s too much to demand someone have a last name. Is that asking too much?  That may have worked in the UK, but…

Dessert Storm

I have been told I have a spelling problem. I’m hearing about it everywhere. I used the term “Desert Truck” in my previous post about food trucks. I often misspell dessert with only one “s”. One would think that the first "e" in “desert” would have the long “e” sound since it is followed by a single “s”. And in turn, one would think the first “e” in “dessert” would have the short “e” sound since it is followed by the double “s’s”. But no, it’s the opposite. How in the world do we expect people to learn this language? I live here and can’t even figure it out.

In defense of what I wrote, I’d be fine with getting my dessert delivered to me in some type of desert truck. I suppose that could be a beach buggy of some sort perhaps…

Just don’t get any sand in my cobbler.