Nut Job

Why in the world are people still giving out Snickers and Reese’s and other peanut related candies on Halloween? Where is the peanut allergy sensitivity folks? It’s kind of sick when you think about it. (“Yeah. I get a kick out of giving kids candy they can’t eat.”) Some people rationalize it by saying that the kids with the peanut allergies will just trade their peanut candies with their brothers or sisters. Sure. Have you considered that these kids might not have a brother or sister? Or that the brother or sister might have the same allergy? Hey, why not just go all out and give the kids a Payday? People are sick…

The solution here is to offer the child a choice between Dum Dums and Smarties. This process, while providing a more healthy choice to the children, also provides you a survey of the intelligence levels of the kids in your neighborhood.

Fantastic Four

What if you found out you were having quadruplets? Would you be prepared with names? Here’s some help:

•  John, Paul, George and Ringo – I had a prof who referred to Pope John Paul as Pope John-Paul-George-Ringo
• Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful – Yeah, there were four dwarves before the other three were born. What? You thought they were all in one litter?
• Davenport, Bettendorf, Rock (Island), Moline – You guessed it. The quad cities. Beautiful area. Wasn’t one of the last three dwarves named Bettendorf?
• Matthew, Mark, Luke and John – I like this better than Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus and Numbers.
• Levi, Wrangler, Lee, Jean – I think this is our winner. “Get over here, Wrangler!”

Re (home) run

There’s supposed to be a live Yankee-Astros baseball game on TV tonight but I guess it’s raining in New York so they’re showing a rerun of last night’s game. The problem with watching reruns of sporting events is that, unless you watched the game the first time, you don’t know it’s a rerun. So yeah, it’s a good time to check out the box score and then run down to the sports bar and make some bets with the guys there, ‘cause they probably aren’t gonna know that it’s a rerun either. Make sure you show plenty of enthusiasm and get others engaged as well. Bet early and often but collect your money and get out of there before the rain blows over and they start showing the live game.

You might want to check out a New York weather forecast before you go. Make sure it’s not a rerun.   

Tongue Out of Cheek

When I was a kid you would often see kids hanging out the windows of moving cars. We’ve come a long way and now we are very (rightly) protective of kids in moving cars. There are seat belts now and new, safer designs of infant car seats every year. And these seats are complicated. Motor Trend Magazine says it takes an average of 12 minutes to get a child strapped into a car. And you can’t sell an old infant car seat at a garage sale ‘cause the safety standards get updated and the old seat’s obsolete. So yeah, we’re rightly protective of our kids in cars. Meanwhile, we let our dogs hang out the car's windows with their tongues out. Where is the concern, America, about these dogs hanging out the windows?

The tongue thing is more of a manners issue that can be dealt with separately.

Downsized Sports

I keep hearing about 8 man football teams for high schools who can’t field a full 11 man team. So yeah, they play with a 27% reduction in the number of players. What other downsized sporting events might we anticipate? Here are some thoughts:

1.       The Indianapolis 364 (27% reduction) – More people might watch the whole race

2.       7 pin bowling – eliminates that awkward 7-10 split

3.       The Speedway – a downsized, shortened Marathon

4.       3 Square – but would it be square?

5.       3 Man Bobsled – Makes for roomier, more comfortable seating


On a side note, Marathon Oil's got a pretty sweet deal with all the free name recognition they get from Marathon runs. Not sure why they need to do any other advertising

Midnight Madness

I just read where a local mall got robbed. Thieves somehow got into the mall at night and took all the coins out of the fountain. Management estimates that the thieves got off with about a thousand dollars. That’s right - only $1000. So yeah, this story (unlike some of my other posts) probably won’t be made into a movie.

I bet that mall manager is in trouble for saying they only got $1000. I would have upped that estimate to maybe $20,000. I mean, you want people to think it’s a successful mall, right? At a decent mall you can get a couple hundred just sitting near the edge of the fountain with your Orange Julius and dipping your arm in.

So, yeah, check the arcades, check the Laundromats! Be on the lookout for some really jingly guys 

with gross wet sleeves.