Medium Rare

A new psychic just opened a shop near our local casino. We don't see that many of them around here. I’m guessing that she caters to gamblers coming out of the casino who are trying to decide whether they should go back into the casino and try to win some of their money back. Or, maybe she deals with people trying to determine how their spouses are going to react to their financial losses at the casino. Maybe people just ask her for winning Lottery numbers. I always wanted to be a radio show palm reader. “Just fax your hand to this toll-free number.” “Your future is very blurry, very uncertain.” That could be a fun show. Or, how about giving a psychic a spot on the weather channel? “Let’s go over now to Madame LaRue for her read on how long this storm’s going to last.” People would eat that up. 

I hear these psychics are cash only. I would be more likely to believe a psychic who is willing to accept my personal check. Can’t they look at my check and know that it’s going to clear? C’mon! Put your money where your mouth is, Madame!

Father Nose Best

I knew a guy in high school who thought that the human respiratory system had two parallel pathways, running separately from each nostril to each lung. Well, we now know that is not the case. We also now know that we men have it made when it comes to nasal congestion. With our larger noses, it takes some pretty serious congestion before we’re clogged. Women on the other hand have it rough when it comes to having a cold and are much more likely to suffer from nasal congestion. Since women have dainty, smaller noses, they incur nasal congestion much earlier in the cold cycle than men do and can become congested in a lower level of cold. In fact, they incur congestion in some colds where men, at the same level of colds, are not even affected. So men, let’s be sensitive to our wives, daughters, mothers, grandmothers, nieces and aunts and others females in this cough and cold season. 

For all levels of colds, Uncle Tommy recommends keeping plenty of horseradish on hand for clearing those nasal passages. It’s a nature based treatment and it won’t cost you an arm and a leg. Horseradish by your bedside can lead to a congestion free cold season, for men or women.  

Hefty Holiday

I went to the bakery today. When I got there I realized it's Fat Tuesday, also known as Paczki Day. The place was crazy. There were two camera crews there from local TV stations videoing us as we approached the counter. I did not happen to be buying any paczkis. Nothing against them. I am fond of them. But they're really rich, especially for someone like me still trying to lose weight from Christmas and New Years. And I have no children at home to buy for. So yeah, it was awkward being in front of the cameras NOT buying paczkis on Fat Tuesday. And I think I looked right into the cameras a couple times. I hope they don't make me the butt of their story ("Of course there's always one kinda fat guy at the bakery who does NOT buy paczkis on Fat Tuesday...").

Losing weight is already tough, but what if Fat Tuesday fell on Valentine's Day? And what if that was also your birthday? That would be the Trifecta of sweetness and that's too much sugar for one day. Can you imagine how much weight you'd gain? This would have the potential of a health crisis. And you'd, like, get clothes for your birthday and none of them would fit. That's no fun. I hate trying to coordinate the gift receipts.

I think the easy answer here is this: if Fat Tuesday does ever fall on Valentine's Day, that we move Fat Tuesday to Monday. Awkward but necessary. Local news needs good lead stories on Mondays too. 

Iron Man

One of the Valentine's gift ideas I stumbled across this week is the Personal Branding Iron. Gals put their guy’s initials on it, or “I love Dad” or something like that on it. You heat it for seven minutes in the coals of your grill or on your spare burner, and then you burn your brand onto your steak. I guess maybe that prevents anyone else from eating it. (I always thought the brand went on the cow out in the barnyard a little earlier in the process). Now, this sounds to me like one of those kind of unnecessary gifts, like the pet rocks from 20 years ago. (“What are you gonna get Roy for Valentine’s Day?” “Well, he doesn’t have one of those branding irons Edna.”) Doesn’t this just sound like trouble though? I picture a conversation between lovers like, “Darling, I don't have any money, and the tattoo parlor stopped their 90 days same as cash program, but I have this branding iron my old girlfriend gave me.” I’m telling you, I just don’t like these branding irons. 

At least when the police come to the ER and ask “Who did this to you?” they’d have some clues.

Contraction Action

What’s with contractions? Ideally, they’re handy time savers that make speaking and writing a bit more efficient. But some of them really don’t (well, there I go) save you any time.  Take “didn’t”, for instance. I did the same number of keystrokes as typing out the full “did not” and both versions take two syllables to say. So, I think we can render “didn’t” useless. Same with “isn’t”, “couldn’t” and “wouldn’t”. Get rid of ‘em.  “We’ve” is nice, but we usually say “got” after it, so get rid of that one.  I do like “can’t”, “aren’t”, “won’t”.  “Ain’t” is fine as far as I’m concerned. It’s more efficient than “am not” or “is not”, but the grammar folks tell us we can’t (there I go again) use it and I respect that. But that makes absolutely no sense because “ain’t” replaces two different phrases (“am not” and “is not”) making it that much more cool of a contraction.  Of course contractions are never used by someone who is mad at you. “I did not!” People go all King James on you when they’re (there’s one!) mad. 

“Don’t” is great because the phrase “Do not” is too often confused with the word “doughnut”. You’ll notice that there are a lot of Dunkin’ Doughnut shops at downtown corners near the “Walk/Doughnut Walk” lights. Check this next time you're downtown. They sneak that advertising in wherever they can.  

Honor Roll Sticker Shock

I don’t think those bumper stickers which say “My Child is on the Honor Roll” of such and such school have contributed to any vast improvements in the quality of education systems in our country. Frankly, it puts a lot of pressure on the young student. ‘Cause if their grades drop in the next quarter, they’re off the honor roll and that sticker’s gotta come off the car. (Yes, the parent associations monitor this stuff.) Rather than go through the arduous task of removing the sticker, parents will often use this as an excuse to “trade up” and get a new car at this point. In effect, their message is “Yeah, my kid’s off the honor roll, but I’ve got a new Lexus.“ And then, the kid makes the honor roll the following quarter, so a sticker has to go on the new car. It’s a crazy cycle. (Actually, that would make a nice Lexus commercial, wouldn’t it?)

But with so many high school kids having their own cars, aren’t we missing a huge opportunity? Think about it. What kid would not be proud to put bumper stickers on their cars trumpeting their parents’ accomplishments?  Sales awards, credit scores, a hole in one maybe? The opportunities are endless.  Developing…

Say "Yes" to the Camo

We’re seeing more and more camo in the fashion world.  It used to be something you wore only in the military or when you hunted. It was something you wore when you did not want to be seen. In researching for this post, I noticed that the use of camo has broadened considerably in recent years. I gathered that it still has a lot to do with not being seen. Here are some examples of camo use:

• Camo bedding/camo pajamas  - Kids can hide in bed and not have to do morning chores.
• Camo Prom Dress - “OK Chip. I’ll go with you but I don’t want anyone to see us.”
• Camo sweat pants - You’re a little overweight and you don’t want anyone seeing you jog.
• Camo towels - “I laid out fresh towels for you if you can find ‘em.”
• Camo shoes - C’mon. Now I really won't be able to find my shoes.
• Camo desert ride - No. Wait. That’s Camel.
• Camo clothing for teens - worn by kids to have a higher chance of sneaking past Mom and Dad when they come home after curfew.
• Camo clothing for parents - worn by parents to help catch their children sneaking home after curfew.

Just like when camo is used in the military, everybody's looking for an edge.