Dentist the Menace

I’m due to see the dentist soon. I think I might be due for x-rays. Those x-rays are intense. Does your dentist still make you wear that heavy shield for your body while the x-rays are being taken? The shield is so thick I always wonder if the hygienist is going to be able to lift it. She puts it on me and then, much like the gas chamber, she leaves the room before throwing the switch. So, like, yeah, I often wonder, what is that x-ray doing to my body? Should I have worn more clothing? (“No, I’ll keep my parka on, thank you.”) What if I gained too much weight over the holidays and I’ve got a little fat exposed that’s not quite covered by the shield? As I sit in the chair I often imagine the headline in the paper after they kill me: “Man With Good Teeth Dies of X-Ray Exposure”. So then the doctor comes in and looks at the x-rays and they’re black and white! What is this? The 50’s? I mean, we have cars that drive themselves but we can’t come up with a color x-ray? C’mon, man.

And then they give you a free toothbrush at the end of the appointment to try to make you forget about the x-ray exposure. At least the toothbrushes are in color.