Funky Fundraiser

I was looking at the entry form today for one of those bike for charity benefits. You’re supposed to ride like 100 miles and people give to the charity based on how many miles you ride. These benefits are great: the riders get themselves into great shape and the charity gets donations. And it’s a charitable deduction for the sponsors. A win-win-win, right? Well, not for me, at least not now. I’m not in good enough shape to ride 100 miles (I gotta run this blog ya-know), and, oh yeah, I don’t own a bike. That makes it tough.

So, like, why can’t I tell my potential sponsors that yeah, I’m not riding this year, but I did ride 100 miles 35 years ago and you can support me this year based on what I did 35 years ago? Is the IRS gonna say, “Sorry, you can’t deduct that donation, that guy rode his bike 35 years ago”? I don’t think so.

It would be even funnier to do the 35 years ago thing if I was really fat now…    

Backyard Field of Dreams

We get letters from you readers from time to time asking questions and/or making suggestions. Mitch from Holland writes: Where do you stand on hummingbirds? Great question, Mitch. Some people invest in hummingbird feeders, hoping to attract them to their backyard. Sometimes the birds show up, sometimes they don’t. You can’t count on them. Not at all. Often the feeder just fills up with bugs. Well, I’ve taken an unusual and sometimes unpopular stance with the hummingbird. I’ve decided that, yes, I will put out a hummingbird feeder, but only AFTER the hummingbird(s) start hanging around my deck. Why should I always have to take the initiative?

I will build it if they come.

Drive-In

While on vacation recently we drove by a drive-in movie theater. There was a guy in line to get in who had boat on top of his car. I hope he was parking in the back row…

But the drive-in? What a great American concept. You get two (2) movies for the price of one and a great halftime show with dancing refreshments – at least we did where I lived. Two movies!! People would show up an hour before the first movie so their kids could play on the playground and then they'd stay for two movies and the halftime show. That’s like a five hour commitment. And there was a refreshment stand usually somewhere in the middle.  And your friends would move the car to another spot when you were getting your popcorn.

Or did that only happen to me?

New Words and Phrases for 2019

We’re only 6 months into 2019, but it’s been a busy year in new words and phrases. Here are just a few of what we’ve found:

• Pizza Tenderloin – On a round pizza cut into squares, it’s the pieces in the middle. Lots of cheese. Always let someone else take their pieces first. They’ll take outside pieces, freeing up  a path to the gooey center for you. 
• Documentia – Condition brought on from the over analysis of contracts. I get this about 6:15PM.
• Strollered – Just what it sounds like. My computer says it’s not a word. Let’s change that…
• Make an A line – A direct path from here to there; more direct even than a B line
• Alefe – singular of Aleve. “I’ve got a slight headache from too much pizza tenderloin. Can I borrow an Alefe?”

Same as before, feel free to use these. Let’s get ‘em out there.

Sunrise Sunset

We used to have this guy at work who drank a bit. He was young, and people figured he’d grow out of it. And he did. But one night, when he was still very young, he had some drinks on his way home, and when he got home he immediately fell asleep. When he woke up he looked at his watch, and saw that it was 7:30, so he hurried to work. He arrived at the office at 7:55. He had made it! But no one else was there, and by 8:15, no one else had come in. Looking out the window to see what was going on, he finally realized that the sun was on the wrong side of the building. Yes, it was 8:15PM.

If you have any AM / PM mix up stories, or maybe tales of you going to bed during an eclipse, we’d like to hear them here at Uncle Tommy.  

Kit Kat Kan

What’s the deal with restaurant restroom attendants? Can we not find the paper towels on our own? There used to be a restaurant near here where the restroom attendant would not only give you a towel, but he would offer to sell you a candy bar as well. That just always seemed like a strange combo to me. The problem with these restroom attendants is that when word gets out that they’re in there some people don’t go in there ‘cause they don’t have money or they don’t want to spend money on the towel or candy. That’s not healthy. If you gotta go you should go. I read that once in college…

How do we even know if these towel/candy jockeys are even legit, or if they’re just some guy who walks in with a suitcase and sets up shop in there? Always ask for identification.