Drive-in Church

When I was growing up our church used to help conduct worship services in the summer at the local drive-in movie theater. Our congregation got to lead worship one Sunday morning every summer. The service was set up for those folks in the community who might be on vacation or otherwise did not want to dress up on Sundays in the summer.  So people came to the service (they really did!) but stayed in their cars, which was the basic concept. Crazy, I know.  The concession stand was not open, not even on Communion Sunday. Hymns were sung – I think there was some type of portable organ. I was in the choir and we led the singing from some wobbly scaffolding near the front of the lot.  People sang along in their cars, or so we hoped. The pastor’s message was pumped into the cars through those heavy drive-in speakers you attached to your window. An offering was taken when the people drove out – there was a guy with a bucket for offerings at the exit. But now that I think of it, we never knew that guy. We were told he was from the district. But he could have just been some guy with a bucket. 

Fast forwarding into the 21^st century, if you go to a movie at the drive-in some Friday or Saturday night and there’s some dude singing hymns in his car, tell him he’s got the wrong day, maybe the wrong era. Better yet, let him sing, and maybe, just maybe, he’ll give you some money at the exit on his way out!      

Marijuana Groupon

Marijuana is in the news every day it seems.  Legalizing it, growing it, storing it, selling it, it’s everywhere.  It is projected to be a $1.5 billion industry. My question is: how will it be marketed here?

• Will you order it through Amazon?
• Will it be available at produce markets along the road, listed on their signs between "melons" and "cukes"?
• Will there be infomercials late at night hosted by Cher? (“Just $9.99 per month for 4 months. Plus shipping and handling. Money back guarantee.”)
• Will there be “pick your own” marijuana?
• Will I be able to buy it in bulk at places like Costco or Sam’s? (“Take the van when you go to Costco honey. We’re out of marijuana again.”)
• Will there be a marijuana man who comes to your door? (“You want the usual this week, Mrs. Winters?”)
• Will children sell it door to door for band fundraisers? (Man: We really don’t need any more, honey. Woman: C’mon Walt, they seem like nice kids.)
• Will women have marijuana parties at their homes similar to the Tupperware parties of the not too distant past? (“I wish I had kept some of that old Tupperware to store this marijuana.”)
• And of course, will there be marijuana Groupons? Check your inbox!

All this talk of marijuana reminds me of the new marketing slogan of Colorado: “Come visit Colorado. You won’t remember to leave.”

Noisy Neighbor

With so many young people moving back to college recently, I was reminded of the time years ago when some friends were helping me move into an apartment. Unfortunately the unit next to mine had loud music blaring most of the time we were moving in. It was discouraging for me to say the least. I didn’t want to spend my days and nights living next to loud music that I had no control over. My friend suggested a way to defuse the situation, and I’ll throw this out to any of my readers who may encounter this situation in their lives. He said that I needed to knock on my neighbor’s door, and when they answered, say, “Your music. It’s loud. You’re going to Hell. You’re not taking me with you. Turn it down.”  Five short, effective, well crafted phrases. Reminds me of “Stop, drop and roll”, sort of. Well, I never had to use this approach as the music soon went away and never really came back. In fact, that neighbor and I became friends.

While I’ve never had to use that approach, I’ve kept it in my tool box of remedies. Who knows? I may need to use it someday at a red light, or in a nursing home.    

Arnold Palmer

I saw on the internet that Arnold Palmer turned 86 the other day. Great golfer, great business man, great guy. He has succeeded in the transition to business while many other great athletes have failed miserably. Doesn’t he, like, own Pennzoil? The website promoting his birthday wanted me to watch a 9 minute video of how he invented the Arnold Palmer drink. Hey, I love that drink. I like the flavor. It’s refreshing yet light. But I don’t have 9 minutes to spend watching a video about it. I sure don’t. Too many other things to do. I’ve got a job, a family, a house, and a bunch of readers clambering for new material on a regular basis. Rather than watching a video, I much prefer reading, where I can quickly skim through an article, and then at least kid myself that I understand its content. So I didn’t watch the video. I’m guessing that he accidentally poured lemonade in his iced tea and came up with a fantastic product, something like that? Kinda like Mr. Reese? Or Mr. Neapolitan?  

Of course, with all my responsibilities, I’m nowhere near the athlete Arnold Palmer is. While he is more and more of a threat to “golf his age” (shoot an 86), I’m still trying to bowl my age.      

Automatic Flush Part II: The American Standard

An older friend and I went shopping for a toilet the other day. We visited several stores and kind of made a day of it. At each location however, when we entered the store and asked where the toilets were, they directed us to the restrooms.  Frustrating!  We, of course, had no desire to buy a demo, if that’s what they were trying to sell us. We refused to take that plunge, so to speak.  

To reduce this type of confusion going forward, I have recommended to Lowe’s and Home Depot that they consider moving their plumbing department to a part of the store near the guest restrooms. This makes way too much sense from a customer standpoint. And as a side benefit to the store, this could also serve as a boost to sales. “How would you like to see one of these in action, m’am?” Sounds like a win-win to me!  

Let’s make this practice the American standard.  

Prune Juice Happy Meal

I went to McDonald’s with my wife and daughter recently.  I noticed on the receipt that I was given the senior discount for my coffee.  That made it a bit of a landmark day, I’m afraid, as it was my first such discount.  My wife thought it was funny and put it on facebook. That’s mostly ‘cause she was not given the senior discount.  At the same establishment two days earlier I had not been given the senior discount, so I may be aging at some freakishly accelerated pace.  (I know, at this point you’re thinking Uncle Tommy’s doing way too much fast food, especially for a senior citizen, and maybe that’s why he’s aging so fast. But it was mostly coffee.) As a result of the most recent episode, I’ve concluded I look old but I’m thinking maybe that the “old” look lasts only until I've had my coffee.  Just to be safe, I’ve decided, at least for now, to apply the money I save with my senior discount toward a face lift or at least some youthful looking tattoos. It’s not worth looking old just to get a 33 cent discount on coffee.