Christmas Eve in July

One Christmas Eve my wife called me at work and said we needed more wrapping paper and could I stop on the way home and get some.  “Sure,” I said, and I stopped at the local Dollar Store that afternoon on the way home.  (We were apparently OK with our supply of tape, bows and little name tags, so I didn’t need to get any of those.) This was a last minute purchase on Christmas Eve but it was really a no pressure purchase since it was just wrapping paper. So I was not upset when I realized the check-out line was moving extremely slowly.  When I finally reached the checkout, the clerk told me the reason for the delay. “We ran out of pennies,” she explained.  I, still being in good spirits and wanting to give her something clever to share with and perhaps amuse her family at their Christmas dinner table the next day and perhaps future Christmases, said with a smile, “That would be like the JC Penney Store running out of dollars.” Well, she didn’t get it. No laugh, no smile, no nothing.  So, I’m guessing that she did not share that story with her family.

I, of course, have shared the story with my family every Christmas.  And now, you can share it with yours.    

Outside the Box

While driving to my mother’s on Father’s Day I chanced to see a man standing alongside Conant St next to one of those old fashioned clothes donation boxes. This box does not have a charity noted on it; it just says “clothes donation box”. So it might just be some dude getting free clothes. Regardless, this guy standing next to it was taking off his shirt and putting it in the box! He had no undershirt, and he was not a young man, so it was not a pretty sight. He did not appear to be homeless, just shirtless. My first thought was that that this guy could be on the lamb. Since I was driving I was unable to take a picture but his image is permanently etched in my memory, like that stamp on your hand from the disco club that won’t wash off before church. When I see him again, and I know I will, I’ll know it’s him. When Mother and I drove down Conant later in the day, he was gone, but she believed me that he had been there. 

On a somewhat related note here’s a tip from your favorite uncle: I personally have found that taking my dress shirts to the Goodwill and buying them back is a lot cheaper than getting them dry-cleaned. They come back cleaned and pressed, and it’s a nice tax write-off. And studies have shown that the folks at Goodwill are less likely to wear your shirts than your dry cleaner.

Yarn Spinning

While watching an Ohio State football game on TV last fall, we saw a woman knitting in the stands. We couldn’t tell which team she was pulling for since we could not see the color of the yarn. But she was really into it. It was a December game and very cold. Perhaps she knits really fast and was making scarves or mittens to sell to people sitting around her in the stands, I thought. Regardless, it got me thinking.  Has anyone ever used knitting needles (and shouldn’t it be knitting kneedles?) as chopsticks? I thought that would be pretty, pretty impressive if I could pull it off, and pretty intimidating. I’ve now tried it, and it’s taken me a while, but I’m competent eating with them at this point, having only lost a few pounds while learning. My plan is to walk into a PF Chang, slap those big needles down on the table and shout out “Gimme some rice!”  That would result in prompt service and instant celebrity status. 

I’d want a special case for my needles like those guys have for their own pool cues. And white gloves maybe.   

Dog Day Care Afternoon

I have figured out why the dog day care industry is growing so fast. Everybody knows there are 7 dog years in a human calendar year. A dog year is 52 days long (365 divided by 7), right? So, a dog week is 1 human day long, assuming 52 weeks in a dog year.  Dividing the dog week by 7 days would indicate that a dog day is about 3.5 hours long.  So, when you leave your dog alone for, say, 10 human hours on a workday, you are really leaving it alone for about 3 days by their little clocks.  It’s no wonder they leave you a surprise on your carpet and try to eat your possessions when you're away. Dogs will go days (by their clocks) without eating or “going outside”. This is asking a lot of our pets. Hence the growth of the doggie day care industry where they better service our pets' needs. A proper understanding of the dog calendar is also required to properly groom your pet. Consult your groomer. She should be familiar with the pet calendar. An every week grooming is not out of the question. 

The producers of the movie “Dog Day Afternoon” apparently understood this calendar concept.  Take a “day” and watch it with your dog.

You Can't Feed an Old Dog New Trix

When my oldest son was one year old, I knew my wife was going out of town and I was going to be spending alot of time with him that weekend, so I stopped in the downtown Woolworth's Friday at lunch to try to find him something special. The store had been quite a place in its day but was nearing the end of its run. It had a lunch counter and lots of your basic five and ten stuff upstairs, but for the toys, games and pets you had to go downstairs. So, looking around the toy department,  I found this Mark Fidrych coloring book. It was covered with grime as it had been there a very long time. Mark had been a great pitcher for the Tigers but had had a very brief career due to arm problems and had retired 12 years prior. So I bought the book as a collector's item. It got me wondering though: if the toys were 12 years old, how old were those parakeets and why did the fish move so slowly. And none of the hamsters were using the wheel.

To be safe, I made it a rule not to eat at a store's lunch counter if they have a pet department.

Also, here's a pet tip from Uncle Tommy: When you purchase a dog on credit and the store gives you "one year same as cash", make sure you read the fine print. The free finance period may be a dog year.  

"Back up Honey, I missed the Garbanzo Beans"

Today I was waiting to use a drive-thru ATM when I realized I was behind one of those right hand only ATM users (RHOATMU, for short). This can be painful to watch (I try not to), and it can take a painfully long time for them to complete their transaction. These people are rare, but studies show their numbers to be holding fairly steady. The RHOATMU pulls up to the ATM like a normal customer, but then proceeds to use only their right hand to operate the ATM. This involves rolling down the driver's side window, opening the door, and then curling their bodies through the window of the open door to reach the ATM keyboard with their right hand. In some cases, the RHOATMU will keep their foot on the break pedal throughout the process. Obviously, these are people you want on your Twister team. Over time, a RHOATMU will eventually have a right arm that is up to two inches longer than their left. A keen observer might be able to identify one at the beach or in the gym.

When I eventually open my much anticipated drive-thru salad bar, proper signage will be posted encouraging drivers to use their left hands while going through the line. 

Sophomoric Humor

Sometimes it seems so simple. My wife and I did not name any of our kids Jr. One of the main reasons  - and I think this still may happen -  is that I thought a school might get named after me (or my son) someday. At least it was in the back of my mind. If it's an elementary school, I don't see a problem. But if it's a junior high or high school, be careful. Take Ken Griffey Sr. for instance. Pretty good baseball player, right? But if someone names a junior high after him it would be called Ken Griffey Jr High School. Now see, that sounds to me like it is named after his son, Ken Griffey Jr. But if it WAS named after his son, would it then be Ken Griffey Jr Jr High School? In the same vein, a Sr High School could never be named after Jr because then you'd have Ken Griffey Jr High School. You'd hear conversations at graduation like "I don't understand, Marge. You told me Ronnie was graduating from high school. He's 19."

I guess the answer would have been to name him Ken Quincey Griffey. Or Ken Andy Griffey. Or Archie. Merve?

Toga

My daughter needed a toga to wear to a party last year. Since mine was at the cleaners I said to her, "Let's be creative here. What can we do different? How do we set ourselves apart? How about a fitted sheet toga? That would be cool." I wondered if the ancient Greeks had fitted sheet togas or even fitted sheets. They were an advanced society, right? I'm thinkin' they maybe had fitted sheets. So I did a search on fitted sheet togas, and unfortunately, someone beat me to the idea. It was apparently an accident but it had been done. Some woman had gone to Walmarts to buy sheets for a toga and accidentally bought a fitted sheet from which she made a toga apparently. Disappointed that someone had beaten me to this idea, I felt like the Russian Cosmonauts undoubtedly felt after Neil and Buzz walked on the moon.

Well, as you, my readers, know, I am not easily discouraged. Therefore my Mattress Pad Toga is in the design stages and should be in the stores by Christmas. That one, by the way, is not on the internet. Til now.