Brief Post

Have you heard these commercials on the radio for Tommy John men’s underwear? I heard one twice today. They claim 75% of men are not pleased with their underwear. Really? Then why do we have that type of underwear? Do we receive it as gifts? “Yeah, my kids gave it to me so I have to wear it. I might work on the fridge tonight and they might see it.” Have you received underwear as a gift?

So yeah, apparently 75% of men are unhappy with their underwear. Does Tommy John conduct a survey over the phone? “Dad, some guy on the phone wants to know if you’re pleased with your underwear.” Or do they sit in the mall with clipboards and watch men walk? “Yeah, that guy’s walking funny, put him down as an “Unhappy””.

Lastly, why the name “Tommy John”? Was “Fruit of the Loom” not already bizarre enough?

Domino's

Did you see where Domino’s is now doing a guarantee thing where if you drop your pizza you get another one free? I’m intrigued by the concept. But I could see this causing problems at home, as in,

Johnny: Mom, I dropped my plate, we need to get a new pizza.

Boyd: Mine’s fine, Mom. I’m not giving mine back so he can get a new pizza! I’m hungry. Besides, Coco already ate that piece you dropped, Johnny.

So, no, you wouldn’t want to find yourself in this position. The likely outcome? Mom’s gonna have to go back to Domino’s and get another pizza ‘cause Johnny (and apparently Coco) needs to eat. And she’s gonna have to pay for it ‘cause Boyd and Coco won’t give their pieces back. A win-win for Domino’s.

Domino’s knows what they’re doing. It doesn’t take a genius to figure this stuff out.

Buffalo and Behold

I saw the Buffalo Bulls play in the NCAA tournament. They played well. I was hungry when I watched them play so, during the breaks in the action I started thinking about buffalo meat. I’ve had buffalo a couple of times but it’s been a while. It’s been described to me as “it’s like beef, only tougher”. (There’s an advertising slogan for you!) But yeah, as I grew hungrier, I thought of the following potential buffalo recipes:

•  Buffaloaf – it’s already out there. (I’m not the first to think of everything.) Anybody ever had it?
• Buffalo Ribs – Served at long tables? One per table. Buy ‘em at Costco.
• Buffalo-mein – “We’re going to need a bigger wok”
• Buffalo New York Strip – I like the sound of that.

Apparently you cannot order buffalo at a Buffalo Wild Wings. “Wild” my foot. They probably don’t even use free range chickens.  

"We're Number Two!!"

I read today that Iowa just got voted “Best State”. What’s with their nickname “Hawkeyes”? The Iowa Hawkeyes. I love Iowa. Lots of corn. Home of the Hawkeye Cauci according to Rush. But, I got to thinking lately, is a Hawkeye what I think it is? Why would you choose the body part of a bird as your mascot? Is this in the same boat as “Eye of the Tiger”? Will we eventually see the University of Missouri Tigers become the Tiger Eyes? As I mentioned above, there’s lots of corn in Iowa. But it would appear that Nebraska already got the “Cornhuskers” nickname, so that was gone. So did the Iowa folks say, “Cornhuskers is gone. Let’s take Hawkeye?” (Kansas (Jayhawks) already had the whole bird.) I give up, Iowa. What were you thinking?

I think they should be the Iowa Tests. Their mascot can be a huge #2 pencil. Yeah.     

Bullpen Cart

Major League Baseball is bringing back the bullpen cart – that golf cart that relief pitchers ride when they come in from the bullpen. This will supposedly speed up the game. Let’s take this cart idea to another level, ‘cause that’s what we do here at Uncle Tommy. Here are some ideas:

•          Have a giant cart sponsored by Costco,
•          Use a wiener mobile to bring the pitcher out. This will promote hotdog sales,
•          Let a fan drive the pitcher to the mound. The fan pays $100 for the privilege and his money goes to a team themed charity. For the Tigers, maybe a zoo, for the Indians, a reservation, for the Brewers, a local AA chapter,
•          During bench clearing brawls, have the relief pitchers all cram into the cart and ride to the fight in the infield,
•          Between innings: “Bullpen Cart Demolition Derby”.

Baseball attendance is gonna soar. 

Fall Gal

When I worked downtown I parked in a garage two blocks away and walked the two blocks to the office. One snowy day this woman I worked with named Sue fell on the ice while crossing Jefferson Avenue. The fall broke her arm. When she came back to work she was awarded the nickname (you guessed it) “Sue Falls”. That nickname stuck to her like one of those “My Name Is” blue name tags you wear at big meetings (and then a person calls you by your name when you stop at the Party Store on the way home and you can’t figure out how that guy knows you and you rack your brain trying to figure it out. Then you get home and see the name tag on your shirt.)  

Sue kept that nickname ‘til she filed the lawsuit. Now she’s knows as “Sue City”.