Dental Anguish

I have an appointment with the dentist tomorrow. They called today to remind me of the appointment and told me the following:

•  Wear a mask. Wait. What? How’s he gonna see my teeth? Is there a special mask with a hole for the mouth, I wonder? How’re they gonna know it’s me?
• I have to wait in my car ‘til they call me in. I like this idea. That way, if I’m late they won’t know. I’ll say I’m on my way in and drive fast. On second thought, why can’t the dentist just come out and look at me in my car? Is that asking too much?
• They’ll take my temperature when I get there. Makes sense. I’m supposed to take my temperature every morning for work. Why hasn’t somebody invented the toothbrush with the thermometer in the handle yet? That only makes sense…

Remember when The Dental Drive-Through Window used to be a far-fetched concept?

Minnie Post

Have you heard the ads on the radio for “The Minnie Pearl” necklace? I heard it again today. Is this item:

1.        A miniature pearl necklace, or.        
2.     A necklace endorsed by the late Minnie Pearl? Or,
3.        A miniature pearl necklace endorsed by the late Minnie Pearl?

Since it’s a radio ad, I don’t really know what the thing is. That’s the problem with radio ads. But yeah, I picture Minnie with her big hat with the price tag still on it wearing a nice necklace probably with the price still on it as well. Are her kids trying to make money off her name?

What's next? The Neil Diamond bracelet? The Pete Rose Quartz watch?

The Future of Bowling

Remember when Nixon had the bowling alley installed in the white house? Sure, Dick, every president going forward is gonna love bowling. Right. What was he thinking? He probably didn’t even have the automatic scoring. I wonder if he had shoe rental.  I wonder if he tried to get foreign dignitaries to bowl. “C’mon Leonid. Let’s go knock down some pins. I’ll get Kissinger.”

Bowling’s gonna have a tough time coming back after COVID.  The last thing I want to do right now is put on some rented shoes. Or use somebody else’s ball. Maybe if someone invents a bowling glove...I recently saw an ad for a lawn bowling set. Yeah, like that’s gonna work. My lawn’s decent but not flat enough for bowling. It would be hard just to get the pins to stand up.

And who’s gonna dig the gutters?

500 Posts

With this continuing covid-19 thing, we here at Uncle Tommy worked through our 500^th post with nary a comment. My young staffer reminded me of it, but she’s getting married this month, so she’s got other things on her mind.  When we think of 500 we think of course of The Indianapolis 500. I wonder if there’s ever been a driver who lost count and just kept driving. Like maybe he was on metric or something…

The entertainment throughout the crisis really hasn’t been too bad. We’ve seen a flood of free concerts by various performers on YouTube and such. I can see my favorite performer sing or whatever and I don’t have to leave my basement. And I don’t have to buy the T-shirt…

So yeah, I’m toying with going on You Tube and reading my posts out loud, maybe with video or maybe just with my picture on the screen. Then you won’t have to read them. Would that make things easier for you and help you get through the crisis?

And you wouldn’t have to buy the t-shirt.

Krafty Singles

This no contact era has to be tough on America’s singles. Imagine yourself being single (if you’re not) during these times of social distancing and masking. It’s gotta be tough sledding. Here are some suggestions for lines to use to enhance in-person masked conversations (from the proper social distance, of course):

•          “So, like, are you cute?”
•          “Are we at the point in our relationship where we would be holding hands if it were allowed?”
•          “Are you smiling?”
•           “Is that gum you’re chewing? Or tobacco?”
•          “If it’s gum, and you didn’t have a mask, you wouldn’t be blowing bubbles, would you?”
•          “What is your skin like?”

Keep in mind, Zorro and Batman wore masks and they stayed single. But they didn't have this blog to advise them.

Close Shave

I finally got a haircut. I called my barber last Friday and he had me come in through the back door of his shop. It was literally a hair raising experience. The lights in the shop were low, it went really fast, there were no magazines, but overall it was a pretty good haircut. You don’t want to get caught during the haircut ‘cause I hear when you get caught the police don’t let the barber finish the haircut. So you end up going to prison with half a haircut and the inmates make fun of you… 

While I was in the chair, the first of the month tornado siren test went off. We both thought we were toast. I’m lucky I didn’t get my ear cut off like Van Gogh...

And if you lose an ear, good luck wearing a mask.