Whiz Quiz

Questions to ask the dairy aisle stock dude at your local supermarket:

1. “Can you go in the back and get me some fresher milk?” (Yes, they will usually do this for you.) 
2.  “If sour cream is already sour when you buy it, how do you know when it’s bad?”    
3.  “Got any samples?” (How come there’re never any samples in the dairy aisle?)                            
4. “If I keep this cottage cheese long enough, can I use it as sour cream?”     
5.  “Do you have any medium curd cottage cheese?” (There’s no such thing but it’s fun to ask.).  
6.  “How long do I have to keep Reddi Whip before it turns into Cheese Whiz?”

Post Office Post

I went to the post office to mail my tax checks Tuesday. It was unseasonably cold so I chose the drive up mail box option. This is America’s original drive through. This started it all. You drive up, and there are always at least three blue mailboxes side by side, like Siamese Triplets. Even in the small towns there are three mail boxes I think. Why do they have three mail boxes? THEY ARE ALL THE SAME! Weird. That would be like having 3 identical drive-through ATM’s in a row, all in the same lane. Do we need three? Do these boxes fill up? I’ve never pulled up to a mailbox that had a “Sorry - Full” sign on it, have you? But yeah, you have to pull up to each one to see if maybe one has a later pickup or if one is for international or whatever. Then you have to back up to check the first one again and you have a car behind you. But rest assured. They are all the same.

I’m gonna put up two more mail boxes out by the curb in front of my house and see how the postal employees like dealing with that. C’mon!

Socks Education

Studies show that the average man loses four socks per year. That’s like a half billion socks a year floating around the United States, man. So, where are these socks? There’re really not that many places they could be. You need to check the following locations:

•          behind the dryer and behind the washer  
•          the backyard. Maybe your sock made it through the exhaust vent
•          the lost and found at the gym. This will burn some calories
•          your kids’ sock drawers. That will burn some serious calories
•          your kid’s dorm room sock drawer. This is typically not a popular option with the kid but it’s proven to be pretty successful in finding the sock. And it’s a great way to get to know his roommate better.
•          the roomate’s sock drawer

Good luck!

Beginning to See the Light

If you’re driving toward a traffic light on a 4 or more lane road, and that light is red or about to turn red, and you know that right turns on red are permitted at this light, and you’re going straight but you can see that there are cars behind you, and there’s nobody in the left lane, it’s your job to get out of the right lane. Then the people behind you can turn right on red. This should be common courtesy, yet it seldom happens.  Today I was driving along behind a woman who, despite a very light amount of traffic, stayed in the right lane as she approached the light which was turning red. She of course had no intention of turning right. As we approached the light, I gave her a little toot, but she failed to comprehend that the toot meant that she needed to get out of the right lane so that I could turn right on red. So we both sat through the whole traffic light cycle.

I bet those self-driving cars will figure this all out. As a bonus, the self-driving cars won’t flip me off when I toot.

Garbage Rap

Last Thursday morning the garbage truck came early. I opened the garage at 7:45AM and there it was, blocking my driveway and picking up our trash. Unfortunately I still had one bag to put in the container. Obviously I was too late. My options were:

1.        Try to throw it into the truck. That’s risky. What if you miss?
2.        Run down the street with my garbage and get ahead of the truck and put it in somebody else’s trash. Sorry. People video this stuff and once you hit Youtube it’s over. “Oh, you’re that garbage guy.”
3.        Put it in the recyclables. That truck comes later. Sorry. Our prisons are littered with these violators.
4.        Put it in my own, now empty receptacle and get a head start filling it for next week. 

Yeah. I was stuck with option 4. I hope we double wrapped those chicken parts ‘cause it’s gonna be a long week.