Donkey Tales

Pin the Tail on the Donkey (PTTOTD) is a horrid game. It was played at just about every birthday party when I was a kid. First we would get blindfolded. I get that. But then somebody’s mom would spin you, get you all dizzy and all. Then you would stumble around the room, trying not to vomit, and eventually pin the tail on your friend’s dog or something. This was somehow considered fun. And of course you always had the kid who peeked and pinned the tail right on that burro. I was never that kid. If you think of the kid from your neighborhood who ended up in the joint, odds are he’s the kid who cheated at PTTOTD...

Nowadays we’ve progressed to having blindfolded kids swing a baseball bat at a piñata. Not sure what lasting effect this has on kids, but can it possibly be good? I’ve never heard of a baseball or softball player being discovered at a piñata game, but I suppose it could happen. (“Did you see that level swing?”) 

False Alarm!

It soon will be that time of year when it gets cooler and we start hearing car alarms go off all around us. Do we see more car break-ins in the fall, you ask? Heavens no! Fall is the time when we men have to switch back to wearing our jeans which are typically tighter than our shorts we've been wearing all summer. When we bend over in our jeans, our car alarms go off because we have our keys in our pockets. I set off my alarm repeatedly unloading our dishwasher last fall.

So yeah,  I can tell you that, as I lay in bed at night and hear these alarms going off, I’m comforted knowing it’s just a few of my neighbor friends who gained a pound or two over the summer. They're  maybe tying their shoes or reaching to grab the remote. You guys know who you are.

New Psychic at Costco

We get letters from you readers from time to time asking questions and/or making suggestions. Somebody recently asked: “How come you don’t write about Costco anymore? Did you let your membership expire? You could maybe write about it in really big font or something!”

Well that’s a good question and a good thought.  Speaking of which, have you heard about the new psychic at Costco?

•                    She reads the palms on BOTH of your hands

•                    She tells you your future AND your past

•                    She uses two decks of tarot cards

•                    Her crystal ball is the size of a medicine ball

•                    She’s 6’8”

Mail Box Post

Have you ever driven home at night and turned onto your street only to find a car seeming to be coming at you on the wrong side (your side) of the road? As you slowly drive forward you realize that it’s one of your neighbors pulled up to their mailbox getting his or her mail. So yeah, your fear and shock fades to anger. Why do they need to drive to get their mail, you think to yourself. In this age where everybody has a gym membership of some sort, does it make sense that these folks drive to their mail box? Are these maybe the same folks who fight for the close up parking spots at the YMCA?

We need to eliminate this practice. I’ll allow for two exceptions: (1) if you have a handicapped parking permit, or (2) if your driveway is called a “lane”. If it’s a lane, you can drive to get your mail but you have to have a really nice car. 

Tribute Crab

What’s up with imitation crab? Is it a knockoff crustacean who acts like a crab? But who would want to pretend to be a crab?  If they want to be a crab what must their life be like? To put this in perspective, you don’t see humans imitating Don Rickles. Nobody imitates that crab.

Or is it some man made creation that is supposed to taste like crab? Is this how we get our kids to eat crab? “Timmy, that’s imitation crab, I think you’ll like it.”

Are there imitations of other foods? Why, for instance, don’t we see imitation beef? (What do you mean, go to McDonald’s?)

I think the only time it’s OK to have imitation crab would be when you’re going to one of those tribute band concerts where the guys dress up and imitate The Beatles. Go get some fake meat after the fake concert. You can fake having a good time.   

Outdoor Plumbing Night

I heard today on the radio about a minor league baseball team in West Virginia that had an “outdoor plumbing” promotion for a game recently. Yes, all of the regular bathrooms were locked and they brought in porta-potties for the evening. Not sure that would entice me to attend the game…

I suppose this is good practice though in case we were ever to lose our water supply. I wonder if we should be having outdoor plumbing drills in our schools. “OK kids, line up! I don’t care if you don’t have to go!”…

Those porta-potties aren’t that bad really. They’ve got little mirrors now, and hand cleanser. But there’s no guy in there handing out towels or selling candy. I would miss that. (See Kit Kat Kan post dated June 13^th.)