Beet Treat

Continuing in this summer's meat theme, I was with a bunch of people at lunch today. One woman ordered an Italian Beef sandwich of some sort. She did not have a speech defect that I could detect. She spoke clearly and had good eye contact. But when her food came, the waiter gave her a beet salad. I suppose the waiter’s “f” looked like a “t” and maybe his abbreviation of “sandwich” looked like “salad”. But what a disappointment! I mean, you’re looking forward to some red meet and they come back with red beet. I have to give her credit though. She did not mention it to the waiter and she ate the salad.

I know what you’re thinking here. No, the woman was not overweight and this was not the waiter’s way of telling her to shed a few pounds. C'mon!

Red Light Special

Well, that eclipse was sweet, but recently, I witnessed something even more rare than an eclipse. We witnessed a red light ice cream sale. Yes. This is an extremely rare event. Not only had I not seen it – I had never heard of it. Have you? It works like this: a car and an ice cream truck pull up to a red light. A person jumps out of the car, gets the attention of the ice cream dude, buys ice cream, and gets back in the car – all before the light turns green. The following pieces have to “align” for this to happen:

• The person buying the ice cream must be nimble
• If the buyer is the driver, the car should be in park
• You must have an ice cream dude eager to make a sale
• Correct change is helpful
• Don’t forget to tip
• This will not work on roundabouts.

As an added benefit, this event does not require special glasses. Nor will it leave you blind.   

Total Eclipse of the Head

So, tomorrow is the big eclipse. I assume this is one of those deals where the moon comes between the sun and the earth. Don’t look at it! I can relate to this situation because, believe it or not, I’ve been that moon. Wait. What? You’re asking yourself, how could your Uncle Tommy be the moon? Does he mean The Man in the Moon? Well, let me explain. As many of you know, I play the piano. As with any musician, I rely on light to be able to see my music. I used to play in this place where there was a spotlight shining on the piano from behind me. So, when I played, the spotlight shone brightly on the back of my head, which perfectly blocked its path to my music on the piano. I had become the moon in this solar model. Yes, a total eclipse of the head.

Oh yeah. I can play “Total Eclipse of the Heart” on the piano if the lighting is right.   

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=us0rPzPm4rY

Weinermobile

Continuing on our summer transportation theme (and also continuing on our recent meat theme), have any of you ever seen the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile going down the highway? I think I saw it once. Well, it turns out it’s not so rare to see it ‘cause there’s like 6 of them. (Do you think this is what gave the pope the idea for the Popemobile? “Hey that guy’s getting some pretty good exposure in that Weinermobile…(in Latin)”).  Regardless, I recently saw a picture of one of the Weinermobiles that had been in an accident. The damage did not appear to be too bad. There was only bun damage. The meat looked OK. That’s really all Oscar Meyer cares about. 

Do you think that when it’s not in use, one of the Oscar Meyer employees gets to drive it home at night? “Herb, you’ve put in a long day here at the plant, why don’t you take the Weinermobile tonight.”

Wrong Number?

Do you ever call someone by accident when you’re trying to call someone else? Don’t feel bad – we all do it. So what do you do when this happens? Here are your typical options:

·         Hang up. Nope. You can’t just hang up. Everybody’s got caller ID now. They’ll know it was you.

·         Pretend you were really calling them and create conversation and hope it goes somewhere.  Meh.

·         Fess up and tell them you were really trying to call someone else. This will not make them feel very good. Huh-uh.

These are the standard options. We here at Uncle Tommy have uncovered a 4^th option. (This is what we do.)

·         Pretend you’re a guy who stole your phone. This requires quick thinking but may be the best option. Say “I stole Tom’s phone and I’m checking out his contacts.” Something like that. It helps if you can talk like a gangster, like Bogart or Edward G Robinson. “I stole this guy’s phone, see,….”  

Of course, when that person calls you back, you have to either continue being the Edward G Robinson character or be prepared to explain how you got your phone back.

Meat Post #9

As you know, we’ve been on a meat theme of late. Well, I like Kevin Bacon movies. Always have. And he and his brother are in a rock group. Yeah. But, I read today that Kevin  and his wife Kyra Sedgwick, after decades of marriage, have now apparently learned that they are cousins. Wait. What? I didn’t read the article. (People who write blogs don’t have time to read every article that comes down the pike). But this type of situation seems avoidable in my estimation. For example, often the bride to be has a shower given by one of her relatives and a shower given by one of her fiancé’s relatives. Now, if the same women come to both showers, you might have a problem. A second sign would be if people come to the wedding and can’t decide which side of the aisle to sit on.

So yeah, kids, this sounds simple, but it’s a good idea to ask your parents if you’re related to your girlfriend or boyfriend before you pop the question. And parents, don’t hover over your children too much, but if they’re dating your niece or nephew, let ‘em know.