Turtles all the Way Down

 

I drove by our local dog daycare business the other day and got to thinking. They charge $23 per day. That’s $115 per week and over $450 a month. $450 is more than your parents’ first house payment. (They’ll tell you if you ask them.) But yeah, for $450 per month I’d like to see a couple things:

• A craft – No, I don’t expect them to build a bird house, but some paw print artwork, or paw painting or something would be nice. Some of these dogs may be talented.
• A trim, maybe a manicure (dogicure?) – C’mon, we’re talking about 450 bucks here
• A performance of some sort at the holidays.

How long before we start seeing daycare for other pets? Don’t hamsters and turtles need to socialize?

The Voice

I read an article somewhere recently about people who give voices to their dogs, saying things that they think the dogs might say. I suppose we do this because we see pets speaking in cartoons or we see it in the comics. This can be fascinating – and not just when I do it. But I think we missed an angle in this exercise which could have added a whole new element. That angle would be being a ventriloquist when we do our dog voices. It would be SO much more effective to have our lips not move when we’re doing the dog voice. And as a bi-product we would all learn ventriloquism. Sounds like a good hobby. A win-win.

Now if I could just figure out how to get the dog’s lips to move when I do her voice…

 

Cookie

I am happy to report that I picked up Chinese food for my wife and me last night. Yeah, I include the word “food” when I say that. Why do people leave that out? When you say, “I picked up Chinese” it sounds like you picked up a couple of hitchhikers. Speaking of which, whatever happened to hitchhikers? I haven’t seen them around – even before Covid I don’t remember seeing them. Did they all get picked up? Did they get their own cars? Scooters? Or do they just stay home now? How do they get to their appointments? But yeah, why am I happy to report about this Asian nourishment? It’s because we only got one cookie in the bag.

This is a great way to measure your food intake. Some people count calories. I count the number of cookies I get with my Chinese food.  If you order for two people and they give you 3 cookies, you’ve ordered too much. But if you order for two and just get one you’re doing great!

Now if I could just find a way to evenly split that cookie!

 

Muzak

Remember Muzak? That’s the company that sells the music that you hear in stores and offices and elevators and even bathrooms. It’s everywhere! The Muzak people approach employers and guarantee them that, by playing certain types of music, employee productivity will increase. And, if it’s a retail store or restaurant, they can get shoppers to buy more stuff. It’s true. They’ve got the studies to prove it.

Muzak’s been around 80 years so I figure (my studies!) that maybe they got this idea from the seven dwarfs (dwarves?) and that “Whistle While You Work” song. I figure that Doc and Happy and maybe Bashful were already pretty good workers. But music in the workplace made good workers out of Grouchy (unpleasant), Sleepy (apnea), Sneezy (allergies) and Dopey (handicapped).   

And let’s not forget, these guys only stood like 5’3”.

 

The Office

Have you ever gone into courtrooms or government building and seen the words “Private Chambers” on the door”? Yeah, I have too! Lots of times. Who is this guy, this Private Chambers? Or, who is she?  If he or she is only a private, why does he or she get an office? And why does he or she have offices all across the country? People don’t get stuff named after them when they’re still privates except Private Benjamin, but I think that movie was made up...

Remember Sargent Shriver? Yeah, he married one of the Kennedys, I think. He had a cool name, and a Sargent outranks a private, but you don’t see Sargent Shriver offices all over the country.

He ran for office, but unlike Private Chambers, I don’t think he ever got one.   

 

Cross Off Words

Here are some phrases we need to eliminate or at least modify in 2021:

• Mongooses – Needs to be mongeese. Maybe mongui.
• “Pretty ugly” – This one’s never made sense to me
• “Single family” – Isn’t this a one or the other type thing?
• “The new normal” – There seems to be a rule that the “new normal” can never be better than the “old normal”. What’s up with that? Get rid of it. It’s way too soon to be establishing new norms…  
• “I wouldn’t know him from Adam” - If the dude’s wearing clothes (or normal, non-leaf clothing), you’re gonna know him from Adam. The only place this saying might be appropriate would be at a nudist colony.

And, now that I think about it,

•  Nudist Colony – Think about it. Is it appropriate to lump nudists in with ants and lepers?