Livin' the Dream

Have we heard enough of the phrase “Living the Dream” or “Livin’ the Dream” yet? People still use it. “How ya doing, Mark?” “Livin’ the dream, man. Livin’ the dream”, Mark says. Well, what exactly does that expression mean? And is it an acceptable response? Regardless of what it means, it is so incredibly overused that it’s an insult to use it. The person asking the question may (surprise!) be actually concerned about Mark’s well being. By responding “Living the dream, man”, Mark is basically blowing off the question, and not giving an honest response to an honest question.

The exception to this, I suppose, would be our psychic friends, who may actually have seen their future (or yours!) in their dreams. So, yeah, we’ll make an exception for that people group.  

Fire Wall

Well, we’ve reached cold and flu season haven’t we? People are sniffling, tissue sales are up. I’ve always been a big fan of those nasal sprays. They’re quick, convenient, and there’s no mess. Unlike lip balm, I think you’re only supposed to use the sprays twice a day. For precautionary reasons, I never let anyone else use my nasal spray. (I actually had a guy at work ask me once if he could borrow my nasal spray. It was awkward. You don’t know where his nose has been...) This year, in an effort to stay healthy, I’ve stepped up my precautions on the nasal sprays. I now have a separate spray bottle for each nostril. The reason is obvious, I think. If one nostril is clogged, and the other is clear, this protects the healthy nostril from the germs in the clogged nostril. I call this my “Nostril Fire Wall” concept. To differentiate the bottles I simply write “left nostril” or “east nostril” on one bottle, or just keep one bottle in my left pocket and one in my right.

It really doesn’t take a genius to figure this stuff out.

Stung at the Spelling Bee

Have you ever entered one of those fundraiser Spelling Bees? I’ve done that a couple of times and it’s really hard. One time I did it as part of a group and another time I went solo. They give you this book to study beforehand. It lists every word known to mankind (sort of a dictionary with no definitions or etymologies (yeah, I spelled that right without spellcheck.)) Are you kidding me? I never got past the “A’s”. Both years I went “out” on the first word. I remember my word the first year was “Guatemalan”. Well, that was one word I had not studied (it wasn’t in the “A’s”). And I don’t use that word often. In fact, I think I can say I’ve never used it. Not even in Scrabble. (Nothing against my Guatemalan readers…)

The contest was televised both years I was there, and both years the news anchor from the station doing the broadcasting won the contest. Can you spell F-I-X-E-D? 

Happy American Thanksgiving!

The Knife Sharpener Truck

Today a friend and I were discussing knife sharpening trucks. Yeah, back before there were electric knives there was this guy who drove through your neighborhood and moms brought out the knives to his truck for sharpening. Not a bad way to make a living. I suppose with all those knives maybe he got robbed once in a while…

I only knew about knife sharpening trucks ‘cause I had this ABC Truck book when I was a kid and I’ve now passed it along to my kids. There was a different truck for each letter of the alphabet. So yeah, apparently the only truck they could come up with that started with “K” was the good old knife sharpener truck. I somehow learned my consonant sounds despite having a favorite book that used the word “Knife” to teach me the “K” sound...

I’m not complaining. I loved that book. Hey, if phonics can start with a “P”, I think it’s OK for knife sharpener truck to start with a “K”.

The Shield

I love bacon. But it’s a mess to prepare it, isn’t it? Yeah, you can microwave it (meh), but for best results you really gotta fry it. It’s best not to wear clothes you care about when you fry it, because eventually you’re gonna get splattered with hot grease. My kids grew up hearing their father yell “I’m hit!” when frying bacon.

Well, we now have a brand new kitchen. I’ve not fixed bacon in it yet and I’m not anxious to get grease all over the new counter tops. But we have all kinds of empty cardboard boxes around from the construction project. So I’ve been thinking: What about creating a cardboard shield for protecting the kitchen as well as the chef from splattering bacon grease? This shield would consist of a folded sheet of cardboard which would cover the open area on each side of the stove and come around the front as well. The shield would have arm holes for the chef as well as holes for the eyes.

The shield would preserve your clothes, eliminate the painful second degree burns, and keep your counter tops and floor clean. The TV commercial would show the “before” scenario (burn unit looking guy wearing old clothes yelling “I’m hit!”) and the “after” scenario (whistling guy with no burns wearing a suit using the shield). I think this would sell like, well, hot cakes.  

Prison Fare

Our sheriff has announced a new dietary program at our county jail. When he took office, each prisoner got a hot breakfast. You know, pancakes, waffles, bacon, that type of thing. Realizing they were eating better in jail than he was eating at home, the sheriff cut the hot breakfast out the budget. Now they get cereal. Next, he cut back the variety of dinners from 31 different meals a month to 7. All those varieties cost money. (And which ones would you eliminate in February?) When you’re talking 31 different meals a month, you’re getting into eggplant Parmesan and stuffed peppers and stuff like that, aren’t you? I mean, this was the Baskin and Robbins of prisons! Next, he cut out the purchasing of any fresh fruits and vegetables and he started a garden so the prisoners could grow their own produce. Good luck if it doesn’t rain, boys! Next, he eliminated beef from the menu. Now his goal is to cut back to two meals a day. He’s found a state law somewhere that allows for that. Way to save money for the taxpayers, sheriff! 

For his next step, I’d like to see him publish the weekly menu in the local paper like schools do. Put the same list in every week. This would be further incentive for people to be decent, law abiding citizens.