The Darndest Things

Remember that old TV show “Kids Say the Darndest Things”? There were multiple versions of it; the one I remember was hosted by Art Linkletter.  Looking back, they would video kids for hours on end waiting for them to say something cute. Then they would edit it and show a short clip on TV and make you laugh. Hopefully.

I would like to see a TV show called “Seniors Say the Darndest Things”. They could show it on The Hallmark Channel. (OK. Yeah, I could like be on it. OK.) Just yesterday I was listening to a baseball game on the radio when one of the guys calling the game (he’s 82) just blurted out, “Dan, what’s that smell?” Can you even say that on the air?  

There’s a whole camp out there who uses the word “darnedest” instead of “darndest”. Spellcheck likes “darnedest” but I’m sticking with Linkletter’s version. I’m not gonna argue spelling with a guy named Linkletter.

 

The Tommy Two Forks Test

Men, next time you’re out to a nice (anniversary?) dinner and your wife or significant other orders pie for dessert and you don’t, see if the waiter or waitress brings one fork or two with the pie.  If he or she brings two forks, congratulations, you’ve exhibited what we at Uncle Tommy refer to as the “love vibe”. You’ve passed the Tommy Two Forks Test (TTFT). If he or she only brings one fork, you’ve failed to demonstrate the aforementioned “love vibe” and probably need to up your game a bit. Failing the test can lead to awkward silences and can make for a long ride home. Of course, if your wife or significant other is not aware of the TTFT, you don’t have to worry about the awkward silence. But my guess is she reads this blog.   

Do not take the TTFT on the following days: Valentine’s Day, Sweetest Day or March 14^th. These are automatic 2 fork days at most restaurants. Also, do not expect a second fork with Spinach Pie or Chicken Pot Pie. Please note in the opening sentence that we referenced a nice dinner.

 

Joey Chestnut II

As I mentioned last week, hot dog eating champ Joey Chestnut was in town recently to attend a baseball game. He tours the country making celebrity appearances. If I had been able to attend the game I would have liked to have:

•          Bought him a hot dog.
•          Videoed him eating the hot dog. Interview him while he’s eating it. Probably a short interview.
  
•          Eaten a hot dog with him watching. I’d like his feedback on my technique.
•          Watched the hot dog vendors fight for his aisle.
•          Get him to participate in that race they do with ketchup and mustard.
•          Get his autograph in mustard

Mostly, I’d like to see if he can open one of those mustard packets without using his teeth.

 

90 Minute Evolution

My wife and I had an early dinner recently. I joked that we’ll be eating dinner earlier when we’re both retired. But that’s true, isn’t it? Retired people eat dinner earlier. So, do they eat lunch earlier too? I don’t think so. Why not? What about breakfast? Do they eat breakfast earlier? I’ve never heard that, have you? If they eat dinner at, say, 4:30, aren’t they hungry again at like 8:30? How’s that work? And aren’t these early retiree diners showing up at restaurants during happy hour? How’s that work? So many questions and so few answers…

I read somewhere that retirees eat dinner, on average, about 90 minutes before the rest of us. But there’s one bit of information I can’t find anywhere and it’s this: Does the 90 minute evolution happen all at once when you retire? Or do people in their 70’s eat at, say, 5PM but gradually move up dinner time to 4PM in their 90’s?

To get that answer, I’ve been asking senior types how old they are when I see them coming out of restaurants. My wife hates it when I do that…

 

Joey Chestnut

Joey Chestnut was in town last week attending a baseball game. He’s the hot dog eating champ. Dude wins every year and lives to tell about it. Nobody’s even close to his numbers. I did not make it to the game, but I wish I would have. I want to know what he does there. Is he like that old San Diego Chicken guy? Does he go out on the field between innings and “ham” it up with the players and torture the umpires? Does he drive a golf cart around on the field like that Chicken guy did? Or does he hawk hot dogs in the aisle during the game? Maybe he just sits in the stands and eats hot dogs...

I want to enter one of those contests. You just sit there and eat hot dogs, right? How hard can that be? And I think the hot dogs are free. For my training I’d start with Vienna sausages, then move up to those silly little hot dogs at Skyline Chili, and eventually move up to foot longs, so the hot dogs at the contest would seem easier to eat. I think that’s a good plan.

I just don’t want to be that guy who vomits on the stage in front of everyone. They never show him on TV but there’s always a guy like that I bet...

Summer Vacation Travel Games – Part I: The Gas Station Stop

Do you want to add some excitement to your summer travel experience? Here are some games to play with your family as you’re driving to your destination this summer:

1.       Guess what the price of gas is going to be when you stop to fill up.
2.       Guess the number of gallons of gas (within a pint) of how many gallons it will take to fill up your tank. (No topping off!)
3.       Dance in front of the car while the tank is filling. This entertains your family and is also good exercise. I know a guy who actually does this!
4.       As your tank is filling, run into the store and get a cup of coffee and see if you can get back to your car before the pump turns off. I know a guy who does this. It’s a different guy.
5.       Start a conversation with the guy on the other side of the gas island.

Don’t necessarily do these in order. You might want to do #5 before #3, for instance.