Bertha

Have you ever wondered if, somewhere in the English speaking world, there is a labor and delivery nurse named Bertha (or Birtha)? I have. And that maybe she would be like the ultimate baby delivery nurse? “It looks like this could be a difficult delivery. Better call Nurse Bertha!” Or you could have Midwife Bertha. That could be some fun advertising. Call 1-800 BERTHA. Yeah, I know we’re short a digit there but we’d work that out…

What’s with the word Midwife? If someone asks me if I’m married, can I say I’m “midwife” (since I am indeed happily married)? Like midstream or Midland, right in the middle. Midland, while a dull name for a city (didn’t they have one person they could name the city after?) is never near the border. A midwife man is never near the edge of his marriage…

I’d name a town after my labor and delivery nurse before I’d name it Midland…

 

Holy Smokes!

I saw a woman today driving a church bus while smoking a cigarette. It was an older bus; we were out in the country and it was a beautiful September day; the scene was almost Norman Rockwellian. The woman’s hands gripped the wheel like a drowning man holding onto a life preserver, and the half smoked cigarette dangled from her tobacco stained lips as she maneuvered the bus around a narrow curve. She was a short woman, 5’2”, maybe 5’3”. She could see over the steering wheel but had to sit on the edge of the seat to do it. Her skin was like leather – like the faded texture of the seats behind her. The seats were lined up like jr high boys headed for the bath room….

I used to know a guy who didn’t have a defroster in his car so he smoked a cigarette and leaned forward a lot to melt the ice on his windshield. I tried not to ride with him in the winter…

 

Lefties

Have you ever met these people who started life left-handed only to have that beaten out of them by nuns in Catholic School? And it’s always the same line: “Yeah. She hit my hands with a ruler.” We all know these victims right? Didn’t parents know in advance that their kid was gonna get hit with the ruler by the nuns if he was left handed? I mean, I knew that and I’m not even Catholic. Nor am I left handed. Nor did I used to be left handed. And why didn’t this happen in public school?

So I guess there are no left handed nuns. At baseball games do nuns boo when left handers come to bat? I haven’t seen this but I bet it happens. Are there even left-handed batters’ boxes on the CYO diamonds?

Where do these nuns stand on switch hitters?

 

Birth Date Weight

What is birth date weight, you ask? It’s when your birth date is the same as your birth weight. It happens, yeah. Let’s say your birthday is May 11^th. If your weight at birth was 5lbs 11oz, then you’re a member of this club. I’m not sure if there are unique personality traits associated with this group. We’re still figuring out that part.

So yeah, it works mostly for people born in the late spring and the summer. However, twins can combine their weight which provides for late fall and winter possibilities. Lastly, it helps if you were born in the first half of the month.    

Feel free to use this to break the ice on Zoom calls.

 

The Washington Football Team

Washington DC needs a new name for their football team. Their sponsors decided it was no longer acceptable to use the name *******s. So we at Uncle Tommy are here to help find a new name. Here’re some suggestions:

• The Washington Apples – No. Wrong Washington
• The Washington Irvings – I actually kind of like this but he was more of a New York guy. (Did I tell you I’ve been to his house?) You get much south of DC and it becomes “The Legend of Sleepy Holler”.
• The Washington Supremes – After the Supreme Court. Sounds too much like a pizza or a doughnut. Or Motown.
• The Washington Judges – Sticking to the Supreme Court theme. Nah. Sounds like basketball.
• The No State Warriors – Winner

You read it here first.

 

2020 Vision

It’s been a tough week for the baseball hall of fame. First, Tom Seaver died. Now, Lou Brock has passed away.  Both of these guys were stars in my youth. While both of these names were easy to pronounce, one local sportscaster consistently referred to Tom as Tom Seavers. Yeah. It was obnoxious as all get out. This malady is not uncommon unfortunately. These plural people are out there. They are the ones who say “Walmarts”. Yeah, they used to say “K-Marts”.

The obvious solution here is to get these people to the eye doctor. Get ‘em checked out for double vision. They may actually be seeing two Walmarts (or thinking of two former K-Marts). Heck, they may think you’re a twin.

I blame the eye doctors. Whoever invented the term “2020 Vision” (with the two twenties next to each other) wasn’t thinking of these double vision guys.This term needs to be changed to 40 Vision.