Grouponomics

We still get groupon emails all the time. Here are some of the current offers:

• Electric toothbrush – Regular price $199, now $39.99. For that price, it’s gotta be used. They don’t tell you that it’s not.
• Sofa Style Orthopedic Dog Mattress – What, no sleep number? (K9 would be my sleep number if I was a dog.)
• High Intensity Massage gun – Looks a “bit” too much like my electric drill. I’d be afraid of getting them mixed up.
• Five Layer Covid Masks – Reminds me of those old Gillette commercials where the second blade cut off what was left by the first blade and the third blade…

There’s always models for these face mask ads. I’m not sure I’d want to be that person. I mean, what’s that say about your face? “Well, I don’t really want to hire her but I suppose she could be the model for the face mask.” I’m not sure if that’s something a model wants on her resume.

 

Car Detailing

I took my car in for an oil change today. The mechanic asked if it was OK if he updated my records on their computer. He proceeded to ask me if I still owned any of the 12 cars they had in my file including my son’s ’93 Nissan Sentra. (Like I’d really be driving a 29 year old car! Maybe if this was Havana…) He asked about each of the cars individually, and was very serious throughout the process. I decided to have some fun with it and gave him the reason we got rid of each car. The Malibu? Rust. The Olds? Didn’t want to pay for the body repair. The Nissan? Rotted brake lines. Etc. I’m not much of a car guy but it was fun remembering the cars…

At multiple times during the process I told him that when we were done he would able to write my “Auto biography”.

 

Pop Culture

Back in ’89 when my wife was pregnant, she and I were driving one night and she got a sudden craving for a Sprite (the lemon lime soft drink - not Sprint the phone company). We stopped by the closest gas station and I went inside. It was a tiny structure and it was filled with smoke. There was just one employee and he sat behind the cash register with a lit cigarette. The only soft drinks he had were some 2 liter bottles in a cooler. I asked him if he had anything smaller – something that could be drunk in the car. He said, “Get the 2 liter. That’s what I do.”

So, looking back, yeah, this guy apparently drove with a 2 liter. And probably a lit cigarette. The good news? He probably didn’t use one of the plastic straws that pollute the environment. Like you do.

 

White Christmas

We had a family gathering on New Year’s Eve Day. (Is Eve Day really a thing? I used to date a girl named Eve Day.) As part of our festivities we had a white elephant gift exchange. We were in the middle of the exchange, having a grand time, when we learned of Betty White’s passing. The party continued, but a damper lingered – not a dark cloud, but a damper nonetheless. A white cloud, perhaps. Afterward, we decided not to sing as we often had in the past.

In honor of Betty, we’ve decided that our future White Elephant Exchange will be renamed The Betty White Elephant Gift Exchange. Mark it down.

Wintry Mix-up

With global warming here (at least for now), being a weatherman has gotten way easier. Nobody second guesses them about snow ‘cause it hardly ever snows anymore. So they don’t get blamed like weathermen of the past for underestimating snowfall.  No, today’s weathermen, when they predict participation, just say we may experience something called a “wintry mix”. That, my readers, is way too easy…

So, like, when did wintry become a word? I introduce the new words every year and I don’t remember that one. When I first heard that term on the news, I thought it was a lead in or a commercial for a new Oprah special. Wintry.

 

Big Boy Theory

I met up last week with a couple of guys I knew in high school. We got to talking and got on the topic of a fellow student who we’ll call Steve. Steve was an unusual guy, yet very personable. He lived on the right side of the tracks so to speak – his house was rumored to have had 14 landlines coming into it. (There were no cell phones then, kids). Steve was a good athlete and a good student. He and I were together when we found out the military draft had ended. Now that’s a good memory.

What I did not know about Steve (what I learned last week) was that he once ate 7 Big Boy burgers in one sitting. And Big Boys were bigger then. That’s impressive! How did I not know this? How was this not in the yearbook?

Eating 7 Big Boys repeatedly over time maybe couldn’t keep you out of the draft but I bet it could keep you out of active duty. I bet that was his motive. That's my theory.