On the Beach

You know those times when you’re on vacation with someone you love, and you want someone to take your picture on the beach and you give them your phone? Well, it’s 2023, folks. People steal stuff. Here are some precautions you need to take:

•          Take a picture of the person taking your picture with your spouse’s phone. That way if they steal your phone you have a picture of them. This just makes too much sense.
•          Hold their phone while they take your picture. If they don’t have a phone, make them give you something of value: their watch? Maybe a pet? Of course this adds the pet to your picture -you’ll have to explain that at bridge club…
•          Do not ask the person to take videos. If you do, keep the video under 5 minutes.
•         Don’t ask somebody wearing a Speedo. Those guys can be fast runners. You won’t catch ‘em.
•      You likely should not wear a Speedo either. These pictures find their way onto the internet.  

Should non-Speedo bathing suits be called Speedon'ts? Send us your ideas!

In Hot Water!

It seems like every business still needs employees. A restaurant we like a lot almost always has a sign out that reads “Cook Wanted”. Fortunately, this restaurant is small, so we’re actually better off without the cook, ‘cause that means the owner is cooking - he’s the one back there slingin’ hash. And he’s the one who started the restaurant - ‘cause he was a good cook. So don’t let those “Cook Wanted” signs scare you – unless you see one in the post office!

Last week I saw a sign at another restaurant that simply read, “Dishwashers Wanted!” Well, using the exclamation point worked. No, I did not apply for the job. But it caught my eye and here I am writing about it days later. (Actually, I’m better at drying dishes. That’s an underrated job – you gotta know where everything goes.) But I don’t get the “Dishwashers wanted!” sign. Why don’t they just buy one?

 

To Dial For!

I’m pretty impressed with these Dial by Name Directories you get when you call some companies. You call a company, no once answers the phone, so you eventually dial “1” to use the Dial by Name Directory. A voice tells you to dial the first three letters of the person’s first name. These directories work pretty well, but there can be issues:

•          What if the person you're trying to reach spells their name wrong? If Isaiah spells his name Isiah, you could be in trouble.
•          If the person’s name is, say, Tommy, do you type Tom or Tho?
  
•          What if they have a two letter name? Is this process fair to Bo and Cy? Does Ed get any messages? 
•       What do you do with the AJ’s and the JR’s? Do we need to know their middle initials? 

And what’s with dialing “1” for the Dial by Name Directory in the first place? Wouldn’t it make more sense to dial “A”? Is that asking too much?

 

Dumb and Dumpster

I heard someone today refer to a situation gone out of control as “a dumpster fire”. We’ve all heard that expression, right? Maybe we’ve said it once or twice. Well, one of the guys in the conversation today happened to be a fireman. He said the term “dumpster fire” is a bad choice of words because:

·         A dumpster fire is typically contained. It’s within a dumpster

·         The only thing burning is trash

·         The dumpster itself will not burn.

·         Dumpsters are not typically close to buildings that could catch fire

·         A dumpster fire generally smells better than a dumpster

·         Most dumpsters don’t have people living in them

Now that I think of it, I’ve never seen an arsonist hanging around a dumpster, have you?

 

 

I Come to the Garden

I love those big, shared salads at Olive Garden. They bring a family together, those salads. But for years they only put one black olive in their shared salad. Well I, for one, love black olives. So I would go to Olive Garden hoping to get that lonesome olive. I knew it was in that salad somewhere. I was polite and I never talked about the olive, hoping it would elude the other dinner guests as the salad was passed around the table.  For me, it was like sharing a box of crackerjack, watching it being passed around by a table full of guests, knowing that there was only one prize…

I’m guessing that the single olive policy led to some fights at Olive Garden, ‘cause now they put more than one olive in the salad. I guess now they can change their name to Olives Garden…

 

The Return of the FNOPs

Remember FNOPs? That’s right! First name only people. You know. Madonna, Bono - all them. Well, after all these years, I may have gained some insight into the origin of these FNOPs. Today I got fan mail from someone whose last name is Nunn, and everything clicked. My theory is this: When people with the last name Nunn originally came to this country through Ellis Island in New York City or Galveston or wherever, they were likely asked some questions. When asked to state their last name, they undoubtedly said, “Nunn”. When the immigration workers heard “Nunn” they likely assumed the person had no last name. So the immigration workers did not give them a last name on their green cards. That’s gotta be it. So there’s a good chance that these FNOPs are all related! Crazy, I know!

Just thought I’d Cher that with you!