What a Fool Believes

April Fools Day (AFD) is fast approaching. One of the unwritten rules on AFD is that you can really only do it with people you know. It really doesn’t work on strangers.  For example, what if you pulled up at a red light next to a lady who was alone in her car except for a couple of dogs in the back seat? You could say “Hey lady! Your kids look like dogs. April Fool!” Chances are pretty good she would be gone before you could say the “April Fool” part, and you’d have to chase her down for that part and things could get awkward. So yeah, don’t try it on strangers. Stick with people you know. 

Practically speaking, AFD can be a useful, meaningful day. For instance, it can be a clever time for you single readers to ask someone out, ‘cause if she or he rejects your offer, you can just say “April Fool”. Very handy. You wash your hands of it at that point as if it never happened. If she or he says yes, you of course do not say “April Fool”. And in the business world, you can ask your boss for a raise or for a couple extra weeks of vacation. When she or he turn you down, you simply say “April Fool” and he or she will forget that you ever asked. The awkwardness is gone. 

So, rather than make April Fools just a time for witty chitchat at the water cooler, use this day as a once a year “ask anything with no consequences” day. You'd be a fool not to.

Code New

I was getting ready for a medical procedure at a brand new Dr’s office facility last week. It was just the second day they had been open. As one of the nurses was trying to start my IV (here we go with the Roman Numerals again), another nurse walked by, looked at the monitor behind me, and yelled out, “Look how big this guy’s numbers are!” Well, these are not the words you typically want to hear, unless you’re at a diving meet or maybe a bowling tournament. So yeah, my whole life flashed before my eyes. I thought I was a goner, maybe the first person to die in this new facility. (You’d think that would make you famous being the first person to die in a new facility, but, I asked and it really doesn’t help unless you’re already famous, in which case you become more famous. I consider myself “known” at this point, and certainly on the road to being famous, but perhaps not quite “famous”.)

Well, it turns out that the big number issue was a problem with the font size on the screen. I informed the nurse that she might want to dig into her Thesaurus and find some better words to use should that event take place again. I suggested calling it a “Code Font”.

Pretty, Pretty Goodwill

Have you ever loaded your car up with clothes to go to the Goodwill, but you don’t go there for a couple days, and you go to your kid’s soccer game and the weather turns on you and you have to wear some of the Goodwill clothes out of your trunk to stay warm? And then you find you kind of still like those clothes or you get a compliment on them and you end up keeping some of them so you don’t tell anybody they’re Goodwill clothes? Yeah, I’ve done that too. 

 

I think the Goodwill knows that the clothing drop off can be an emotional time and they try to cheer us up when we’re there. I took some clothes to the Goodwill the other day. As a parent this was a tough trip ‘cause these were mostly my kids’ clothes, and I had good memories associated with some of the items. To help lift my and everybody else’s spirits, our local Goodwill has come up with a coupon program. It works like this: for every 6 donations I do over a period of 2 months, I get a coupon for a 10% discount on anything I buy in the store. Wait. What? I’m not sure who dreamed this up, but yeah, if I can afford 6 donations in a 2 month period, do I really need to be buying stuff there? They gotta be doing this just to make us feel better, right?

I suppose this could come in handy if you’re one of those guys who drops off your dress shirts there and then buys them back after they’ve been cleaned. (See the Uncle Tommy post dated June 24, 2015.) 

Death and Taxes

It’s spring! I saw my first robin yesterday. I was glad to see him ‘cause we’ve got way too many of those creepy worms laying around this year. I also saw the other sign of spring today: the Dancing Liberty Tax Man. He was flagging down drivers out by the street in front of the shopping center. I can never tell if this person is a future accountant, a former dancer, or maybe a guy who majored in accounting with a minor in dance. But seeing this man, unlike the robin, always darkens my day at bit, because: 1) despite the robin being here, it’s cold outside. I feel bad for the guy having to be out in this weather, 2) it reminds me that everything I’ve earned so far this year has gone to the government in the form of taxes, and 3) it reminds me that I haven’t done my taxes yet and that’s hanging over my head. I just don’t see taxes as something to be dancing about and I don’t like to be reminded of them when I’m driving. What’s next, a dancing funeral home guy? 

Some ancient manuscripts say that the apostle Matthew (the tax collector) was an early version of one of these dancing tax men prior to being called to be a disciple by Jesus. I wish someone would come along today and call the Dancing Liberty Tax Man to a new profession.  

Twinsparency

I don’t trust twins. I had a bad experience with some once. When I was just getting started in business I met this guy when we sat together at a luncheon. A week later I saw him on the street and said hi to him. He totally ignored me – not even a nod. Twenty years later I read the guy’s obituary and it turns out he had an identical twin. So yeah. The guy who ignored me was his twin. OK. I get that. But the guy should have told me when I met him that he was a twin and had a local brother. Is that asking too much? And the twin brother should have said he was a twin brother when I said hi to him on the street. A simple “I saw your wave. I bet you think I’m my brother. We’re identical twins, you see.” As twins, these guys owe this to society. That might seem like a lot of weight to carry around but that’s the burden of being a twin I’m afraid. Since my twin experience I have recommended all twins who’ve worked for me to note on their business cards that they are twins and to introduce themselves as such in person, in case someone were to meet their twin and have that twin ignore them or treat them poorly. 

The interchangeability of twins makes me suspicious, from sporting events, to test taking to dating. You never know which twin you’re getting. Of course it doesn’t always work out for the twin. I knew a guy who knew he was going to have to take a drug test at work, and he had a recent history of drug use, so he sneaked away and had his twin brother come in and take the test. That didn’t work so well – the twin brother failed the test. True story.

So yeah. There’s more to being a twin than just being in those Double Mint Gum commercials.

Forklift

Have you ever been out for lunch or dinner with someone with whom you are not romantically involved, and you or your dining partner orders pie, and the waitress or waiter brings two forks?  That’s awkward. Really awkward. So, is this just a matter of the waitress or waiter being nosy about your relationship? Or are there people in the kitchen placing bets on you to see if your companion will share their dessert with you? When this has happened to me, my response to the waitress is always a too strong, awkward “Oh, we’re not together.” 

So, as we try to do here at Uncle Tommy, let’s try to spin this concept into a positive experience or maybe a teaching moment. Yeah, let’s flip this around. Try this the next time you and your spouse are out for lunch or dinner: Just one of you order pie, and then see if your waitress or waiter brings the extra fork. The waitress or waiter’s action here is a byproduct of the vibe that you and your spouse throw off as a couple. If he or she brings you two forks, great! If he or she brings just one, perhaps your affection is not visibly evident and it’s time for some self reflection of some sort. I would not be concerned with one test result. This is not a one and done March Madness type test. This is the type of result you’ll want to repeat over time and average out the results.

Good luck, and enjoy the pie!