Pregnant Pause

I was talking to a pregnant couple last week who told us their doctor said their baby is currently the size of a can of Coke. I thought to myself that this reeks of commercialism. I bet this doctor gets a kicker from Coca-Cola for plugging their product. The couple is going to let me know if, on future visits, the baby is compared to a 16 ounce can or 20 ounce bottle of coke or eventually a two liter bottle.  

Of course, if your physician’s name is Dr. Pepper, you may have other sellout issues to deal with.

 

On (Door) Dasher!!

Some restaurant delivery person dropped off food on our porch one night last week. We only knew about it ‘cause our doorbell camera caught it. We had not ordered anything.  So, I had to guess what neighbor it belonged to.

In these situations, you can’t lift the Styrofoam lid on the package to see what it is. But it would be funny if you did. You could go to your neighbor and say, “Hey Sid, I see you ordered the Mu Shu Pork from Chang’s.  Is it good there?”

When these wrong house deliveries happen, it’s pretty much a lose/lose situation for you. First, you’ve gotta go door to door around the neighborhood ‘til you find the rightful owner. This takes time. Secondly, if anything is missing, they’re gonna think you ate it. “Honey, don’t we usually get more than three onion rings?”

On the positive side, if you get far enough from your house and they don’t know you, they might think you’re the delivery guy and you’ll get a tip, especially around the holidays! Merry Christmas!

 

Side Effects

What’s up with these medicine commercials where it takes the announcer longer to list the possible side effects of the treatment than it does to describe the benefits of the product? I’ve seen one treatment commercial where they list at least a dozen side effects.  The good news is that the actors look pretty happy during the reading. This woman dances around and stuff while the side effects are read. And of course the actors are attractive. And spry. But I still would not likely buy this treatment after hearing those side effect lists…

Maybe if they sang the side effect list to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas, I’d feel less intimidated.  Is that asking too much? They’ve already got the lady dancing…

 

Row C (pap)

Who’s the last person you want sitting next to you on the plane? It’s the guy with the cpap machine! I know. I’m part of the problem. You see us in line, running our cpap cases through the scanner. We’re everywhere. One time I was in line for the scanner, and there were three of us cpappers in a row.  Yeah, it’s great we get to (have to?) take our cpaps on board, but there’s no place on the plane to plug them in. And the flight attendants never have distilled water in their refreshment carts when they come down the aisle anyways. (No, you can’t put Sprite in a cpap.) So we don’t get to cpap on the plane and, while the plane soars, we snore. Loudly. Violently. Snoring like a banshee.

There’s an obvious solution here. If the airlines would let us cpappers use those drop down oxygen masks they love to tell us about then maybe that would stop the snoring. The other solution would be for all of us cpappers to be in one section of the plane. That’s a possibility!

If that happens, and you find yourself sitting in row C (pap), better pack some plugs.

 

Men are from Mars

I was listening to an orchestral performance of The Planets by Gustav Holst recently.  Holst never wrote a movement for Pluto, ‘cause Pluto hadn’t been discovered yet when he wrote The Planets. So, yeah, it must have been kind of awkward there at performances of The Planets after Pluto was discovered. I bet people wouldn’t leave the hall after the performance. They’d stay in their seats saying, “Hey! Where’s Pluto?”, thinking maybe Pluto was going to be the encore. Now it’s not so awkward ‘cause there’s no Pluto planet. Had Pluto been discovered before Holst wrote the planets, and had Holst written a movement for Pluto, I wonder if that movement would have been dropped from performances after we found out Pluto was not a planet. We’ll never know.

Did Disney drop that Pluto guy after the planet was undiscovered? I hope he’s not on skid row living meal to meal…

Lastly, I used to know a woman who lived on Venus Street. It’s true. It was always fun to ask her if she still lived on Venus. Especially when there were other people around.  

 

Winter Wear

We know this woman who wears ear muffs. I’m sure I have a pair or two somewhere. Black ones. Weird. I don’t know why I have them but I do. I think we wore them in the 90’s ‘cause we didn’t wear hats much. Well, anyway, when I see this woman wearing her ear muffs I always speak to her really loudly, pretending of course that I think she’s wearing cordless headphones of some sort. It’s usually good for a laugh.

Do you ever see these people who put on their gloves or hat way too early? Like they’re gonna take an elevator down 20 flights but they have their gloves on while they’re waiting for the elevator? It’s not like their gloves are hidden in their backpack or something – they’re in their coat pockets. Putting them on gives them something to do on the elevator…  

Rain pants are the exception. I don't expect those to be put on in the elevator.