Google Gurgle

 

I was dictating into my phone today. It was late morning. I had paused my dictation and was pondering my next words when my stomach gurgled. Yes, I was hungry. Amazingly, the phone heard the gurgle and typed a word. That word was “No”. No exclamation mark, no other words, just “No”.  Unlike “ET phone home” the message was not clear. Regardless, I am amazed that my phone could translate the sound. I have a friend who used to work at Radio shack and I’m gonna ask him about it. 

I don’t think anyone (even the Radio Shack guy) understands what these smart phones are capable of. We’re probably just scratching the surface. Like, has anyone ever had their dog bark into their smart phone?

Tomorrow I’m gonna run around in the back yard and get the neighbor’s dog to bark. I can’t wait to see what he has to say.

Taking Sides

I had lunch with a friend the other day at an old favorite restaurant. The menu had been updated – the prices had been “updated” of course.  It was a nice, well laid out front and back menu. Each page had three columns. And it was laminated. We each ordered a burger. With the burger you get one side. Do you think either of us could find the sides on the menu? The waitress had to show us where the sides were – they were in the middle column on the back of the menu. I got the coleslaw; he got the fries.

But really. Who looks in the middle column of a menu for sides? Is it asking too much that the sides be on one of the (left or right) sides? I don’t care which. She said she’d bring it up to management…

A Play for Spray

The fertilizer man was at our house last week. After applying the (in this case) seed, he called me and asked this opening question: "Do you plan on using your patio this summer?” Now, I thought that was an odd question, and thus, I was not prepared to answer it. I was concerned, thinking perhaps he had found a contaminant in the soil, or maybe detected a gas leak. No. He proceeded to tell me that he had seen a lot of bugs in the yard and I may not want to go out there.  This was his way of trying to get me to buy their bug spray service. I was incredibly relieved when I heard him say that. I think I may have laughed.

I should have told him, “No. Our plans were to only use the patio for the eclipse this year.” Or, “Yeah, our plans are to use it, but let us know what day you need it and we’ll work something out.”

For what it’s worth, I’m still using that cheap bug repellent where you have to catch the bugs and then dip them in the repellent. Hey, you get what you pay for.  

Pick Me Up

My wife and I went through a McDonald’s drive through for coffee recently. We did the normal routine where you drive counter clockwise around the building and order at the speaker thing in the back. This place had the double speaker lanes – we took the one on the left. We ordered and then did the awkward merge into one lane heading for the window where you pay. I paid at the window only to look up and see a sign over the next window that said “Pick Up”.  Fortunately we were still at the cashier window, so I naturally, not yet having had my coffee, asked the cashier, “Where do the cars go? I see the sign for the pick-ups, but where to the cars go?”

She looked at me like I was from Neptune (beyond Mars). So I asked her, after having explained my question, if people ask her that all the time. She said no. I told my wife I was surprised that wasn’t part of her training.

Regardless, I thought, at least now she has something now she can share with her family after work.     

Forty

The eclipse is behind us but we have another big event on the horizon: The Cicadas are coming. And they are apparently very loud. I heard about them today at a luncheon. I asked where they were playing and how much were the tickets. I figured they were one of those insect themed rock groups like The Beatles. Or The Crickets, Buddy Holly’s band. Or Adam Ant. Or my favorite insect themed band, Iron Butterfly.

Boy was I embarrassed when they explained to me that these cicadas are actually noisy bugs and not a loud rock band. Oops. They told me that there are two groups of cicadas coming to the US: the 13-year Brood XIX and the 17-year Brood XIII. No, that’s not a typo. The 13-year Brood is XIX, not XIII.  The numbers don’t match up. C’mon. Are bugs even worthy of Roman numerals?

Let’s save the Roman Numerals for important things like The Ten Commandments and The Super Bowl. And big t-shirts. (XL)

 

His Eye is on the Sparrow

The eclipse was really special Monday, wasn’t it? I really enjoyed it. We all had those special glasses. We bought the party pack – 4 pairs for $5. They worked well, I think. I mean, I could see the eclipse, but I guess I’m surprised that we all put our trust in these incredibly inexpensive pairs of glasses to protect our precious eyes. I have an appointment with the eye doctor next month. I’m kind of nervous to ask him if those glasses were really safe. In hindsight, I shoulda looked at it with just one eye. If I had thought of that, I wonder which eye I would have chosen…

Nobody warned us about the after effects of the ‘clipse. Like, for the past two days at sundown the birds don’t shut up ‘cause they think every night is just an eclipse and it’s gonna get light out again. The bats don’t come out now either.

Or maybe the birds are chirping a lot because they’re all blind from the eclipse.  I’m not sure what excuse the bats have...

I’m saving my eclipse glasses for the fireworks.

Glasses Half Full

We have a big-time eclipse happening tomorrow. It’s gonna get dark in the middle of the day. I can’t wait. And it’s free! Have you seen all the ads for these eclipse glasses? Everybody’s advertising them. And most are getting good online reviews. Wait. What? How can there be reviews on a product that hasn’t been used yet? What am I missing here?

Are there eclipse deniers? I bet there are. People who say that it only gets dark because you put on the glasses. I bet those people are out there. Once they see the bats and the lightning bugs flying around they’ll believe I bet…

I’d look forward to the eclipse even more if it was gonna get light out in the middle of the night. I asked if we might see that, like maybe on the next eclipse, but people tell me that’s not gonna happen. Hey, it didn’t hurt to ask…