Odd Smell

My wife and I went downtown for dinner one evening recently. Upon getting out of the car, there was a strong odor in the air. My wife thought it was “weed”. I thought it was a skunk. Granted, we were downtown where there typically are no skunks. However, this was a slow night, and I thought one may have wandered by. She thought the valet parking guy had smoked some weed. Maybe he found some weed in somebody’s car. That’s a nice employee benefit if you’re into that type of thing. (“Sure I took it. We can’t have people driving around with that stuff!”)

Well, we never settled our discussion; we never found out what it was. I told my wife that I was willing to compromise my position just to close the discussion. I was willing to split the difference and say that maybe it was a skunk who had indulged in some weed. Stay tuned.

Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?

Remember pay toilets?  We used to see them in the turnpike plazas, and yes, for a dime, you could use a stall. Oh sure, there was always one free stall on the end. But that thing was filthy – they kept it filthy so you’d have to use the pay toilets. So yeah, you’d better have a dime in your pocket. The problem is: you had to pay your dime before you could see the stall. That didn’t seem fair to me. ‘Cause what if you paid your dime and the opened the door only to find a mess at which point you’ve wasted your dime? Or, what if you paid your dime and opened the door only to find somebody in there? I guess there’s a reason we don’t have pay toilets anymore…

The alternative, I suppose, would have been to have to pay to get out.

Sidewalk Saga

I saw it again. I was giving my mother a ride home and we saw a couple walking together with their baby in a stroller in the street when a perfectly good sidewalk was available 10 feet away. We’ve discussed this before here regarding parents strollering their babies in the street. (My computer is telling me that “strollering” is not a word. How can that not be a word?) Maybe it took the warmer temperatures to thaw out my brain, but today we finally figured out the reason for these “street strollers”: these folks walk in the streets because they don’t think they can fit side by side on the sidewalks. This is what we’ve become in America.

So, the answer, I guess, is to widen the sidewalks. Yes. This is going to mean higher taxes and yes, you will lose a part of your front lawn. But if that's what it takes to get these people off the streets, let’s get it done before somebody gets hurt.  

Turn On

Cars are pretty smart these days. I was driving last week and my dashboard started beeping and a message came on that said “Turn signal on”.  I was going to turn left a little ways ahead, so I thought, wow, this car knows I’m turning in a bit and it’s telling me to turn on my turn signal. It knows where I’m going. But then I realized that my turn signal was already on, and had been on for some time and it was telling me that my turn signal was still on.  So apparently, “Turn signal on” means “Turn signal off”. Can we make it any more confusing?

Today I got a confusing “Auto renewal” notice from State Farm. Is this a policy that renews automatically, or is it an automobile policy? Or is it an automobile policy that renews automatically?

Someday, when my car drives automatically, will our kids still get the good student discount on their car insurance? And, as good students, why don’t we get discounts on their health insurance? (“But Aetna, he got a B+ in Biology!”)

Barbeer Shop

My barber shop now has a refrigerator full of beer and water for you to drink while you’re waiting. I like the concept. Nothing works up a good thirst like waiting for a haircut! In all seriousness though, I think this could result in the following:

•          Guys not minding the wait. (“No no. It’s his turn. Pretty sure he was here before me!”)
•          Some crazy haircuts. (“What the heck? Gimme the mowhawk.”)
•          Guys will be happier with their haircuts. (“Is that really me?”)
•          Guys will tip more. (“Does that ATM work?”)
•          Some guys will pay and leave without even getting a haircut. (“I look good!”)

Yes. The beer will pay for itself.

The Summer Solstice

We keep hearing about the first day of summer being the “longest day of the year”. That was a couple of weeks ago I think. It’s nice the way that works out, ‘cause your grass grows fast in June and it’s really long and you can cut it until like 9:45 ‘cause it’s still kinda light out. But wait. What? It’s not the longest day, is it? No. That would be the 25 hour day when we turn the clocks back. But yeah, I get it. First day of summer is the day with the most daylight. Yeah. I get that. But don’t call it the longest day. Nobody even likes long days anyway. (“Man, it’s been a long day. Can we go home yet?”)

Let’s come with a better name for the first day of summer. How about “The Shortest Night”?  I think that name is still available.