The Popemobile

I read somewhere recently that a used Popemobile was sold in Europe to a private individual. I had thought there was only one Popemobile but it turns out they’re all over. (I bet Cuba has one built on a ’58 Chevy.) The Popemobile of course is that vehicle with the bullet proof glass shower stall built on the back for the pope to ride in. He sits in there and waves to people. One of its features is that it can typically go up to 160 MPH.

So yeah, I think it’d be cool to own a Popemobile. I can think of many uses for it:

1.       Pace car for the Indianapolis 500. No one would cheat ‘cause, well, it’s the Popemobile.

2.       Political candidates driving around town – good exposure. People would take notice.

3.       Homecoming parades – You gonna vote against the Popemobile?

4.       Speeding – No cop’s gonna pull over a Popemobile!

5.       Toll free driving – See #4

6.       Food Truck Communion

7.       Uber – pick people up and drive around really fast ‘cause you know you won’t get pulled over.

You’d make all the lights. It’s the Popemobile.

Garage Cleaning

This is the time of year when we all need to clean out our garages. So, yeah, you move everything thing out onto your driveway: cars, golf clubs, bikes, mower, snow blower, scooters – anything that’s not hung on the wall. Then your options are to use the leaf blower and blow out all the dirt, or, you can hose the whole thing down. Hosing is the Phase II approach. Having said that, blowing, the Phase I approach, can be very effective. We know a guy who used to clean his apartment that way.

There comes a point in time when you just have too much in your garage. How do you know when you’ve reached that level? We here at Uncle Tommy’s Select Thoughts think we have that answer. That point would be when, during a Phase I or II cleaning, you have all of your stuff out in the driveway and people stop over and try to buy it, thinking of course that it’s a garage sale of some sort. Also, if you clean your garage on garbage day and the garbage men try to take stuff from your driveway, you need to re-evaluate what you’re keeping.

Truthfully, how many Frisbees do you really need?  

Stall Tactics

I grew up in a time when a lot of people smoked. And they would smoke everywhere. You could smoke in church even. (Well, not in the sanctuary.) Kids would try to smoke in the bathrooms in school. There was a men’s room on the second floor of the high school which seemed to be the smokers’ favorite place to smoke. I had nothing against these guys – they were nice guys who just needed a smoke. In all fairness, the teachers’ smoking lounge was three doors down and there was always smoke rolling out of that door. So, the kids would go in a stall, close the door and light up. Soon there would be a knock on their stall door from the hall monitor at which time they would flush the cigarette down the toilet. But they’d get caught ‘cause the smoke.

I would have liked to have been at the disciplinary discussions. “So you’re asking me if I put my butt in the toilet. I can’t believe you’re asking me that!” I sometimes miss high school…

Products with Women's Names

Today I met a guy who was looking for “Dawn”. I could not tell if he was looking for dish soap or a person. So I think it’s time we take a look at those products that have women’s names:

• Dawn – Was it named after someone? Do you just use it at daybreak? Who was this Dawn and did she get along with…
•  Joy – Who was this Joy? This conversation must take place somewhere: “Have you seen Joy?” “Yeah, she’s out by the sink.” I wonder if there have ever been sisters named Dawn and Joy? If she worked at a Nut Boutique would she be “Almond Joy”?
• Betty Salad – “I’m taking Betty Salad to the potluck.” “Who?”
• Pam – “the non-stick cooking spray”. Not to be confused with “the sticky cooking spray”. “Hey Dawn, please use some Joy to get that Pam off the pan.”
• Mary Jane – Slang or code word for marijuana at one time. I bet there were mix-ups back in the day: “We thought you were bringing some Mary Jane, man. Who’s this chick?” 

Gets confusing doesn’t it?

Costco Diet

We’re halfway through the year now. How’s your diet coming? Have you achieved your weight goal?  Most importantly (and I’m going to continue to come back to this issue) is your real weight lower than the weight on your driver’s license? I think that’s a healthy goal for all of us.

I’ve pretty much kept my weight down. And I know who to thank. Costco! You read that right! I’ve found some success of late being on a new diet that I’ve come to call the “Costco Diet”. This consists of skipping a meal or two daily and replacing it with a stroll through Costco. (I’m a member.) While strolling, I help myself to some of the fine samples there at Costco.Typically you can get all of your dietary needs met: your meat, your vegetable, your salad, a starch, fruit, maybe some fish, along with cheesecake or pie sample to top it off. And some cookie. 

So yeah. In this diet you’re getting exercise while you eat. It’s healthy for you AND for your pocketbook as well. And there’s no clean up afterwards. No fuss. No mess. Just don't try to drive through their gas pumps backwards. They hate that. 

Boat Names

It’s July, so let’s talk about boats! Everybody loves boats, right? Well, when I go to marinas, I see pleasure craft with some pretty tired names.  At one time these names were likely cute, but most of the names were old before the paint dried on the back of the boats. Names like Miss Behavin’, Sea Mist, Nauti Buoy, Money Pit and Aquaholic are popular. Aquaholic is by far the most popular name per internet statistics. None of these strikes us here at Uncle Tommy as being something we really want to commit to as a permanent name painted on the back of a $45,000 yacht. Our boats deserve something better, don’t they?

We here at Uncle Tommy have developed a solution. For a fee of $100, we will name or rename your boat for you. Just send us some information: what you and your spouse do for a living, how many kids you have, your hobbies, religion, nationality and any bad habits you might possess.  We will digest all this information and spit out a name that will set you and your boat apart. 

This will also make it easier for us to find you in the marina when we need an entertaining weekend.