Not on My Watch

Watches are cool ‘cause you just look at your wrist and you see the time. Presto! Yeah. My jeweler tells me they still make watches with dates on them. Now, this to me is overkill, like those jars of peanut butter that already have the jelly mixed in. Do we really need this?

The date-watch was one of the not so great innovations of the 20^th century. I suppose there must be people out there who still want the date and the day of the week on their wrist. But, it’s a lot of work to have that date on your watch. Thanks to February and its weird number of days, the date on your watch is never quite right. You used to correct the date at the beginning of each month, but now most of you never look at it so you never change it. It’s a hassle to pull that pin out on the watch and then not remember if you’re supposed to pull it two clicks or three, and then trying to remember if you turn the dial clockwise or counter-clockwise for the date, and sure enough you turn it the wrong way and now you’ve messed up the days of the week. Ahhhh. And you can’t adjust it during class or during a meeting, ‘cause it’s rude to stare at your watch. So you don’t change it and it’s always wrong.

What’s with the watches that have Roman Numerals on the face but regular numbers for the date? Tacky! C’mon. Can we be consistent, please? One or the other, man.

Muchas Gracias

We drove through a small town over the Thanksgiving weekend that had one of those devices set up that tells you how fast you’re driving. I have always found those to be fairly effective in decreasing my speed as I approach them.  This one, though, took it a step further and as my speed got down to the required 35 MPH, the sign flashed “Thank you!” I kind of questioned that at first. Am I more likely to slow down in this town because they are thanking me for slowing down?  Well, I’m thinking that maybe I am. Overall, I thought it was a nice touch. Maybe the “Thank you” could be used on other signs as well. For instance, when a red light turns green, how about a “Thank you for waiting” sign? That might be a nice touch.

Somebody should invent a scale that says “thank you” when you reach your weight loss goal. I think that would go over good. And another idea would be the “Thank you toilet” which could thank you after each flush. At schools, the principal could be the voice. That might help.  

Go for the Juggler

Since clowns are pretty much off limits this year, let’s talk today about jugglers. I think it’s still OK to talk about jugglers, right? They’re not stalking people or running around in the woods. Not yet, at least. I’ve always respected jugglers as athletes. Their act takes a lot of coordination and practice.  We went to a Christmas Dinner last year where the entertainment was a juggler. I found him to be very entertaining; many of the other guests were not very amused, at least not for the full 25 minutes he entertained. He didn’t go nonstop. He stopped and talked to us from time to time. I think I was amazed by the uniqueness of it all – the fact that juggler solo acts still exist in this day and age and that they still get hired. And paid. I was happy to see the guy making a living. I mean, you look up “Juggler” in the yellow pages, and there’s not always somebody there.

Personally, I would like to see marching bands occasionally alternate jugglers with the baton twirlers at halftime shows. I'm pretty busy here with this blog but if somebody could get that going that would be great.  

Gates Brown Mustard

There’s an ongoing debate in America about whether or not ketchup should be put on a hot dog. Obama has come out publicly against it. (I know, I should cite the quote here, but I don’t have it. It’s really not that important.) A Detroit Tiger stadium vendor was fired for harassing fans who put ketchup on their hot dog.  (He was known as “opera man” and he sang very loudly in the stands while selling hot dogs, so he may have had other issues.) So yeah, which is right? Well, I’ve got the answer. About 60 years ago, the Tigers had a famous pinch hitter named Gates Brown.  One day, very late in a game, Tiger Manager Mayo Smith, as he was prone to do, summoned Mr. Brown to pinch hit. Gates, thinking he wasn’t going to get into the game that day, had sneaked off to the clubhouse where he was enjoying a hot dog. In his rush to find a bat, a helmet, and get to the on deck circle, he shoved the hog dog in the pocket of his uniform pants. Sure enough, Gates hit a gapper to right center, and had to slide into second base. When he stood up after the slide, mustard was all over his uniform. But he was safe. There’s never been any mention of ketchup in any renditions of this story.

So there you have it. Obama, Gates, and the singing vendor. Three for three is a pretty good day at "the plate". Mustard-only wins!

It's Good to Touch the Green Green Grass of Home

Since it's been such a warm Autumn, today we're going to talk about grass. Have you ever taken a vacation for an extended period of time and, before you leave, your neighbor tells you that he’ll cut your grass if it grows a lot while you’re gone? Yeah, I’ve been on both sides of this predicament. We went to California many years ago, and our neighbor said he’d cut our grass while we were gone if it needed it. Well, when we came home, the lawn looked pretty good, but it was August and it was very dry, and you really couldn’t tell if it had been cut. I didn’t say anything to him. I couldn’t. I was in a no win situation. If I thanked him and he didn’t cut it, I sounded sarcastic and unappreciative. 

Another time, I did cut a different neighbor’s lawn while he was on vacation. But he never said anything to me ‘cause what if I didn’t cut it, then we’d all feel bad. I was fine with that.

This concept can also apply to shoveling snow or giving haircuts to children for whom you babysit.  

Dentexting

Every six months I receive a text from a dentist confirming the date and time of a teeth cleaning appointment for some woman named Meg.  And every six months I respond to the text that I’m not her and that I already got my teeth cleaned anyhow. But the dentist never responds to my texts.  I even called the office one time to tell them they had the wrong number, and that I was not Meg.  It did no good. This has been going on for years. And sometimes Meg blows off her appointments, and then I get even more texts.  Frankly, I’m dying to know if this “Meg” even exists, or if it’s a phony ploy by the dentist to drum up some business. Maybe he thinks that if he sends out these random texts people will read them and think, “I know this text is not for me, but I haven’t been to the dentist in two years.  This dentist sounds nice in this text, and my tooth hurt last Sunday when I was eating that pot roast. I’m gonna call this dentist and make an appointment!” Yeah.  These guys know what they’re doing.

I think I might show up at Meg’s next appointment so I can meet her (if she exists) and tell her to quit blowing off the appointments so I won’t get so many texts.